Out With A Wimper: The Final Oakland Raiders Preview

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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Ok, settle down. Yes, yes — it’s the Raiders. The pre-LA rendition of the post-LA version of the west coast’s most punchline of a sports franchise. If their population were white, Oakland would be cutting in on Cleveland’s national exposure as the most suffering fan base. The team that inspired such characters as Tony Sparano’s Football and Guy Robbing Convenience Store In Raider’s Helmet. Yes they’re last in the NFL’s preseason power rankings. Yes they’re flirting dangerously close with the CBA’s salary FLOOR. And, sure, they’re still playing at the same stadium with the sewage problem with a Twitter account. But this preview isn’t just another excuse to bash on the Raiders with a signature one-liner we can tweet out to gain clicks. Go to other sites for that predicable #content. This is [DFO] — try having a little class sometime.

What’s that? We have a @[DFO] Twitter account? Oh….is it too late to add in a line about, “When I heard Ballghazi was settled, I had no idea it would change the Raiders LIKE THIS….”? Oh, it is? Fuck it. Just do the boring version then.

 

A little thing called ‘presentation’. You might have heard of it.

Send in the Raiders.
Those daffy laffy Raiders.
Send in those woeful, O-dot-Co ful, paid-so-technically-pro Raiders.
Send in…the Raiders. (sobs)

After replacing Raiders fans most relatable coach in years (mostly due to his love for shallow graves), noted axe enthusiast Jack Del Rio has taken over the helm of this once-proud franchise. Though he packs a very mediocre record, the optimist sees that he may very well be the Mark Jackson this team needs to get their legion of young (read: cheap) players out of the cellar. And after missing out on every single big name high dollar free agent in the offseason, coaching is literally the only hope for the Raiders to field a respectable team in 2015.

Respectable team — that means not almost blowing a game because you’re busy celebrating a 3rd down sack.

Respectable team — that means not letting Tre Mason put up 34 fantasy points on you the next week in a 52-0 shutout by the Rams.

Respectable team — that just, in general, means playing at a level that doesn’t prompt your veteran defensive presence to use the terms “suck” and “embarrassment” in a post-game presser.

Hope for 2015 started with the addition-by-subtractions of Darren McFadden and Matt Schaub. Michael Crabtree seemed like a perfect fit for the Raiders in 2009 when they passed on him for speedy brickhanded WR Darrius Heyward-Bey, leading to an eventual Crabtree holdout that lasted until October of his rookie season. In a true Commitment to Excellence, Oakland picked him up on a one year deal. Additional positive roster adds included DT Dan Williams, Super Bowl 48 MVP Malcolm Smith, and first round draft pick Amari Cooper.

“It doesn’t hit you til you sign on the dotted line.”

oblig.

In other good news, the Raiders will now be paying their Cheerleaders at or near minimum wage. So, you know, that means there will be at least a couple non-Raiders in the stadium on Sundays who earn a taxable income.

That all said — 2015 is going to be a long season for any Raiders fan with any expectations (read: Raiders fans). Parody in the NFL has its limits and, while I don’t know the specific boundaries of said limits, I do know what side Jack Del Rio and a second year quarterback fall on. With Crabtree and Cooper on the outside, Carr’s passing game will at least be appealing — but probably ineffective as Latavius Murray is not an amazing pass blocker and the current #2 back is Trent Richardson.

Oh — did I not mention another preseason add was Richardson on a three year $3.8 million dollar contract? Hmmm — well, he was. Now back to the real optimism — the Raider defense!

Defensively, the Raiders should also be a force against teams that don’t call pass plays over four yards. But, if the Manning does get gutsy, Taylor Mayes is available to finally end Wes Welker’s playing-on-borrowed-time career/life (Note: I did not know Welker was a free agent when I wrote this but I’m leaving it in so I can justify embedding the Mayes video). With Ken Norton Jr. at the helm and another year of the Big Khalil Mack Attack — the only question mark is going to be in covering receivers. But, you know, that’s assuming Mack and Dan Williams haven’t already brought down the quarterback and torn him limb from limb.

Special teams are still anchored by The Polish Powder Keg, first round draft pick Sebastian Janikowski, who will now be supported by noted punter target, Trindon Holliday.

Wait til you see this in a baseball infield!

Prediction: 5-11, then 9+ wins for the next six seasons* —  The Raiders ate tens of millions in dead money in 2013 and 2014 to clear the books for a fresh start. The team is now out of the darkness and at ground zero. Obviously this is not the ideal free agent situation but GM Reggie McKenzie is showing a team trending upward (and southbound about 400 miles) and, as cases such as Seattle and Arizona have shown, a lot can change in just a couple years. On paper, the Raiders have the makings of a strong future — young, cheap, serviceable quarterback; WR threats; defensive anchors; experienced coaching; loyal fans; 3 Super Bowl rings — yessir, it’s hard to argue that any influence could stop this perfect storm of rebuilding…

Macro-Sabre Metrical Analysis (TM)
Macro-Sabre Metrical Analysis (TM) — Click to enlarge/clear up

*Oh.

Disclaimer: if you follow my Instagram account, you know Raiders Backup Quarterback Christian Ponder moved in about two miles from my house over the summer. But still, I’m a purist. No ads on [DFO] means no favoritism with teams, sponsors, players, or neighbors. Be they a pro football player, a school teacher, or that dude across the street from me who was bitching about how long that place on the corner (right next to him) took to sell while his Christmas lights are still up — no one is safe from these takes.

blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Big Black RichardMoose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfurySenor WeaseloBrettFavresColonoscopy Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just so you know; Maintenance Page Off and You do not have sufficient permissions to access this page.

This is how the NSA started data mining. Jus sayin’.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/6560cbfd25924de66d0e23c393cf657f/tumblr_mjpsn28lMv1qjouuqo2_500.png

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Today is the first day I’ve missed MNF. :single tear:

Cuntler

The Raiders cut Trent Richardson. NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Your pie chart appears to be missing the control from the undead wedge.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But really; the NFL is a better place when the Raiders are competitive and not in LA IMO.

King Hippo

I’m not going to say that I haven’t enjoyed the “beat them like 49-10 most of the time” era because verily, I have. But the days when the games were important, and featured guys like Dennis Smith, Karl Mecklenburg, and Steve Atwater getting in fights (and holding their own!) will always hold a special place in my horsey heart.

As long as the Donks keep winning. Losing to the Raiders is never any fun. But better to lose to them when they’re no longer shitty. And I actually think they will be no longer shitty this season. 8 or 9 wins, and the 2nd wild card.

Hippo on the limb. Find a gif of THAT, Moose!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

That’s just hilarious!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is one with a dude that looks fucking painful. PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS,

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Big Black Richard
Big Black Richard

Just wanted to say that I’ve jumped out of an airplane once, and the air is COLD up there even when you’re wearing clothes. I can’t even begin to imagine skydiving naked. Frostbite of the testicles can’t possibly feel good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

When it is in the division a nemesis always makes a better story than a punching bag. Cakewalks with punching bags are for lazy fans, those that need to counter their sense of inferiority through the team they happen to root for.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/945d5a34c7768d59bfd8ec6025af8455/tumblr_nqjhhfw3uY1qhzi2jo4_250.gif

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

“Parody in the NFL has its limits”

Rest assured, we will never reach a limit when it comes to parodying the Raiders.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spur
Spur

I will always have a soft spot for the Raiders. Al Davis putting Tom Flores and Jim Plunkett in leadership roles meant a lot to Hispanics.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

AND those two were good….. unlike since then.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

and by that I mean the Raiders being shitty since then, although I’m not sure how exactly that could be misinterpreted.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/d264c7eac08515f8710c42d3db8ff25a/tumblr_ntbrdyRguY1rc7zl1o1_400.gif

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

#TwoOfTheGoodOnes

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Let’s try this the old-fashioned way:

Old School Zero

Just please tell Mr. Mack not to break Danny Woodhead. Thanks in advance.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

As with The Raiders fans of the last several years; nobody wants to get fucked by the pig.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/a982c4e44443aa5de5ae297fb621351f/tumblr_mhpkrk2Ftu1r3gb3zo1_250.gif

Why Thank You Eddie
Why Thank You Eddie

+1’s to the bloke who can photoshop Jared onto the pig.

SonOfSpam

Could someone please revive the Raiders-to-San-Antonio rumors? It’s a perfect fit, since San Antonio does not have a football team, and they have been conquered by Mexicans, and it would give many players a chance to Remember The Alamo as they forget their own names.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
makeitsnowondem

Should’ve saved this one for Secdee Friday.

Cuntler

“Can’t spell ‘Secdee’ without S-E-C!” – Texas A&M fans

Enrico Pallazzo

FWIW Khalil Mack is Flacco-like with his ELITEness.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blordinaryfagicmox
blordinaryfagicmox

Not yet she doesn’t…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

That is disturbingly hypnotic.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

Much less child porn than I would expect in Marc Trestman’s Van.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nope; Marc is much more fastidious, what the fuck are you thinking? This van is all Raider fan.

nomonkeyfun

I didn’t realize they realized Batman on BetaMax.

nomonkeyfun

released, dammit, not realized.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Actually I read it that way….. scary.

Horatio Cornblower

Love the empty Champagne bottle.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also, I mentioned this in the open thread but would like to reiterate it here: I would like to amend my season predictions to include that Derek Carr will bite off his own tongue by Week 8.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Seriously, look at this shit:

http://i.imgur.com/CVELEtR.jpg

Senor Weaselo

That’s because of the football-through-his-torso zombification, so it’s okay.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m WAY too optimistic about the Raiders to be objective, but Khalil Mack (I’m hoping the nickname “Mack the Knife” will stick) is a goddamned MONSTER. He had two sacks in just the first half last night and he absolutely dominated anybody that tried to get in his way. On the Cardinals first offensive series he was basically tackled by TWO offensive lineman just to keep him from murdering Palmer. He’s gonna be great this year.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also, Cooper looks totally legit. I have zero concerns about his propensity to quit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that worked out great. They are getting better and have several pieces…. but.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/dbcfb4bf0872a30ebf6e4ef37c0d70f4/tumblr_nnp8wxPt4O1rh844qo1_400.gif

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yep, that’s what I keep telling myself to expect.

blordinaryfagicmox
blordinaryfagicmox

“Mack Truck” seems like the brain-numbingly obvious choice for nickname, so it will probably stick; relegating some much better options.
Mack 10, only if they move to LA, and by LA I mean Compton.
Mack the Ripper.
Mack in the Box(field).
Mack, tap, bang.
Darkest Timeline Mack Morris.
Did I say better nickname options? That was a typo.

monty this seems strange to me

Mick Mack paddywhack, break a QB’s bone

jjfozz

Every time Berman says “da raidaz”, I want to bash his fucking head in with the skull of Al Davis

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

He can be saying “Hello,” and I want to bash his head in. I think if Berman, Joe Buck, and Collinsworth were ever on an announcing team together, my focused rage would burn through the TV and slaughter the three of them.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I didn’t think it was possible to make Joe Buck look “good”, but you just did.

entropy

You just want to read the news story where DFO and “slaughtered by television-focused rage” get used in the same sentence, don’t you?