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Hello, friends. It’s a tradition unlike any other. It’s The Masters. I’m Jim Nantz, and it’s my distinct pleasure to bring you one of the great events in all of sports. It’s Augusta National Golf Club, the Mecca of professional golf. The pride, the heritage, the
Yes, The Masters embodies all that’s right in golf: old, rich white men having the ability to dictate and micromanage however they see fit. It harkens back to a better time, and we here at CBS are proud to bring it to you. I’m Jim Nantz, reminding you again, that’s it’s The Masters—
Oh, fuck this. I can’t, and won’t try to keep up that shit. I apologetically love golf. I have since I was a kid, when my older cousin took me to a driving range when I was maybe ten or eleven. Yes, I spent my high school and college years when Tiger was murderdeathkilling his way to dozens of regular PGA Tour wins, and 14 majors. But, I was never enamored with him. I don’t love or hate him; he’s just another guy to me. I do love the majors, though. They’re 16 of the best days of the sports calendar. Well, I love most of the majors. The Masters can eat the turds out of my cats’ litter box.
The Masters represents every douchy, antiquated, regressive, and asinine golfing and social stereotype. They flaunt it, they celebrate it. The assmunchers who run Augusta National Golf Club are happy to remind you that rich white men have always, and will always, run things. They run the tournament akin to a military junta; step out of line, and you’re gone. Ask Gary McCord. It’s ass. As I said, Augusta National runs this thing with an iron fist. The crowds and galleries of fans are required to be referred to as “patrons.” You can’t run. You can’t have a cell phone, though I don’t have too much of an issue with that. It’s not rough, it’s the “second cut” of grass. Up until 2013, women were strictly forbidden from gaining membership. When they finally allowed women on the grounds, the first two invited for membership? Condi Rice and Carly Fiorina. Fuck ANGC.
The only reason I get somewhat excited annually for this circlejerk is because it’s been eight months since the PGA Championship. My major golf itch needs scratched like Bill Belichick needs to bang your mom tonight. Otherwise, I just don’t get the build-up for this one. Give me the US Open or PGA anytime over this.
Anyway, as much as I loathe the dickfaces that ruin any semblance of fun, the golf promises to be good. So, here’s a few things to watch for:
World No. 1 Jason Day is looking to win his second consecutive major, after blitzing his way to the 2015 PGA Championship. He’s already won three PGA Tour events this season, and a couple other tournaments overseas. He’s got the talent, he’s got the mental toughness, and he’s got the hot hand.
Jordan Speith won this last year, and then followed that up with a victory at the US Open. Not bad for a 21-year old. In his two starts in The Masters, Speith has a second-place, and won the green jacket.
Rory McIlroy can became the sixth man to complete the career Grand Slam. His play as of late has been shaky.
2012 and 2014 winner, Bubba Watson, already has two wins this season, and if he’s not screaming at his caddy, or trying to convert you to Jesus, he’s got a great chance. It’s an even-numbered year, after all.
Three-time champ Phil Mickelson has also been playing quite well as of late, though his last win anywhere was the 2013 Open Championship. Still, the general consensus seems that Lefty’s got one or two more chances to add another green jacket to his collection.
2011 winner Charl Schwartzel (who?) also has a Tour victory this year, and another in Europe. The South African birdied the last four holes in 2011 to slip past Rory and Day to steal the title. Don’t be shocked to his name on the leaderboard.
Lastly, 2010 Open Champion, Louis Oosthuizen has a couple of wins in Europe this year, and has a couple of top-5 on the PGA Tour so far in 2016.
The top guys are all playing well. There’s a definitive feeling that the 2016 Masters will be a coronation for Rory, Speith, Day, or even Rickie Fowler or Bubba. Dustin Johnson could even get make a—- no, no he can’t. He’s this generation’s Greg Norman, but, he does get to bang Paulina Gretzky, so don’t feel too bad for him. There’s a lot of excitement, and a lot of buzz this week for all the top guys, which is exactly why someone like Danny Willet or Robert Streb will have a new piece of green clothing on Sunday evening.
Oh, and fuck Jim Nantz.