A Tradition Unlike Any Other (Barf)

Hello, friends. It’s a tradition unlike any other. It’s The Masters. I’m Jim Nantz, and it’s my distinct pleasure to bring you one of the great events in all of sports. It’s Augusta National Golf Club, the Mecca of professional golf. The pride, the heritage, the racial purity.

Yes, The Masters embodies all that’s right in golf: old, rich white men having the ability to dictate and micromanage however they see fit. It harkens back to a better time, and we here at CBS are proud to bring it to you. I’m Jim Nantz, reminding you again, that’s it’s The Masters—

Oh, fuck this. I can’t, and won’t try to keep up that shit. I apologetically love golf. I have since I was a kid, when my older cousin took me to a driving range when I was maybe ten or eleven. Yes, I spent my high school and college years when Tiger was murderdeathkilling his way to dozens of regular PGA Tour wins, and 14 majors. But, I was never enamored with him. I don’t love or hate him; he’s just another guy to me. I do love the majors, though. They’re 16 of the best days of the sports calendar. Well, I love most of the majors. The Masters can eat the turds out of my cats’ litter box.

The Masters represents every douchy, antiquated, regressive, and asinine golfing and social stereotype. They flaunt it, they celebrate it. The assmunchers who run Augusta National Golf Club are happy to remind you that rich white men have always, and will always, run things. They run the tournament akin to a military junta; step out of line, and you’re gone. Ask Gary McCord. It’s ass. As I said, Augusta National runs this thing with an iron fist. The crowds and galleries of fans are required to be referred to as “patrons.” You can’t run. You can’t have a cell phone, though I don’t have too much of an issue with that. It’s not rough, it’s the “second cut” of grass. Up until 2013, women were strictly forbidden from gaining membership. When they finally allowed women on the grounds, the first two invited for membership? Condi Rice and Carly Fiorina. Fuck ANGC.

The only reason I get somewhat excited annually for this circlejerk is because it’s been eight months since the PGA Championship. My major golf itch needs scratched like Bill Belichick needs to bang your mom tonight. Otherwise, I just don’t get the build-up for this one. Give me the US Open or PGA anytime over this.

Anyway, as much as I loathe the dickfaces that ruin any semblance of fun, the golf promises to be good. So, here’s a few things to watch for:

World No. 1 Jason Day is looking to win his second consecutive major, after blitzing his way to the 2015 PGA Championship. He’s already won three PGA Tour events this season, and a couple other tournaments overseas. He’s got the talent, he’s got the mental toughness, and he’s got the hot hand.
Jordan Speith won this last year, and then followed that up with a victory at the US Open. Not bad for a 21-year old. In his two starts in The Masters, Speith has a second-place, and won the green jacket.

Rory McIlroy can became the sixth man to complete the career Grand Slam. His play as of late has been shaky.
2012 and 2014 winner, Bubba Watson, already has two wins this season, and if he’s not screaming at his caddy, or trying to convert you to Jesus, he’s got a great chance. It’s an even-numbered year, after all.

Three-time champ Phil Mickelson has also been playing quite well as of late, though his last win anywhere was the 2013 Open Championship. Still, the general consensus seems that Lefty’s got one or two more chances to add another green jacket to his collection.

2011 winner Charl Schwartzel (who?) also has a Tour victory this year, and another in Europe. The South African birdied the last four holes in 2011 to slip past Rory and Day to steal the title. Don’t be shocked to his name on the leaderboard.

Lastly, 2010 Open Champion, Louis Oosthuizen has a couple of wins in Europe this year, and has a couple of top-5 on the PGA Tour so far in 2016.

The top guys are all playing well. There’s a definitive feeling that the 2016 Masters will be a coronation for Rory, Speith, Day, or even Rickie Fowler or Bubba. Dustin Johnson could even get make a—- no, no he can’t. He’s this generation’s Greg Norman, but, he does get to bang Paulina Gretzky, so don’t feel too bad for him.  There’s a lot of excitement, and a lot of buzz this week for all the top guys, which is exactly why someone like Danny Willet or Robert Streb will have a new piece of green clothing on Sunday evening.

Oh, and fuck Jim Nantz.

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2018 Tradition Like Any Other Preview and Afternoon Livethread – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]ballsofsteelandfuryJerBear50WakezillaWCS Recent comment authors
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2018 Tradition Like Any Other Preview and Afternoon Livethread – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] of getting drunk, taking the dog for a walk, and sleeping. Anyway, we’ve been done this before. I got that one right. So, I’ll say it’s either Rory finishing the Career Grand Slam, […]

Wakezilla

There’s been a lot of press lately about the US women’s soccer team wanting to get paid the same as the men. I found it odd that many people were using success as the reason why US women should get paid the same as men.

It’s a dumb argument to make because the parity in men’s soccer is way bigger than in Women’s. Realistically, US, Japan and France are the teams that have a solid shot at winning the World Cup. Canada was the 8th ranked country and was going to get home calls in last year’s world cup and they didn’t have a hope in hell of winning the world cup.

In men’s soccer, the top 30 teams could do some damage at a World Cup, if not win it. The women’s Dutch team is ranked 15th and them making the quarters seems more like a pipe dream than a team ranked in the 40s in mens.

With that said, the US women’s team are rock stars and should be paid the same or close to the men’s team.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I will vote for Donald Trump before I vote for Hillary. I will watch the world burn under him rather than see her be President.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Thank our non-existent gHod that Drumpf will drop out before you can do so.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

No, he won’t.

Wakezilla

I don’t blame you.

But what if it is Cruz?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I abstain. I will not vote for her, but Cruz is a psychopath who wants to kill us all.

Wakezilla

In that case, vote Jill Stein!

laserguru

I have a brother who just started driving for Uber. Today, there was a woman who needed a short 2 dollar ride to get a money order, he obliged because you know you have to keep your 5 star rating and shit.

This woman had a dog.

A fucking dog.

Not a service dog but her precious little doggie that she couldn’t leave at home for 12 fucking minutes.

If he says no, maybe she gives him a bullshit rating but if he accepts everyone who rides in the freshly cleaned and vacuumed car smells her fucking dog.

I’m calling bullshit.

I ain’t a dog guy first of all so there’s that but who the fuck does that?

Service dogs only.

That ain’t asking for much.

This fucking town and their dog ownership, man. I was in the grocery store where they have freshly cooked and prepared food and some dipshit dog owner thought they could bring a dog in the fucking grocery store.

WRONG!

Am I out of line here or is this common sense?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

My brother has nearly given himself an aneurysm over this shit (The other L.A. bullshit that drives him insane is assholes in six-figure sports cars with goddamn handicapped placards) until he realized it wasn’t worth it to yell at some self-absorbed asshole over something so relatively trivial.

That being said, I hope your brother told her to shove that dog up its own ass and leave it on the curb because as I recall, the Uber driver rates the passengers, too. If she’s going to be a bitch by asking, then go scorched earth and salt the ground with her tears as no one ever picks her up again.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This nonsense is fucking up life for real disabled people because I’ve already seen the signs up here barring all animals except seeing-eye dogs because that is the bare legal minimum of accommodation required under the ADA. It’s pissing people off and it’s going to end up with the ADA being changed because right now not only can’t you ask for proof of disability but it’s illegal to ask for proof even though any dickhead with $20 can buy a service animal vest on Amazon for their stupid ratfuck shitdog.

JerBear50
JerBear50

Better yet, big ass full dressed motorcycles with handicap plates.

JerBear50
JerBear50

My ex used to manage a fast food place. There were people that would lose their shit when they were told they couldn’t bring their fucking dog into a restaurant. When did that even become at all permissible, let alone an entitlement? What the fuck is wrong with people? I’m a dog lover but I realize not everyone else is, and you don’t just get to take them wherever the fuck you want.

And as long as we’re venting, don’t take your stupid, shitty kid to a nice restaurant. I don’t want to listen to your squalling fucking brat anywhere, let alone when I’m dropping two or three bills for dinner.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I was seated next to one of those little fuckers once and it started bawling right into my ear. Luckily it’s the one I already have problems with so I just flat out said “It’s a good thing I’m already deaf in that ear” to its mother because fuck her.

JerBear50
JerBear50

It’s infuriating. You chose to have kids. That means you don’t get to always do the same things everyone else does. Your decision to have children doesn’t mean the rest of the world should have to deal with their shit because you couldn’t or wouldn’t find a fucking babysitter.

Wakezilla

Dogs in restaurants is messed up. Even worse is when they tie the dog up outside and go eat, resulting in the dog howling because of the smells and being left outside for over an hour.

The fucking Kids in expensive restaurants thing sets me off. If you can’t handle your precious little snow flake then do take out.

Conversely, people hooting and hollering in expensive restaurants where I can hear them across the restaurant also deserve to get shot.

JerBear50
JerBear50

For a while, restaurants were starting to institute no-kid policies, or if your kid sucks you will take your dinner to go policies. I thought it was fantastic, but there was a surprising amount of backlash which might be why I haven’t heard about it lately.

Wakezilla

I was just thinking about this. Vancouver was supposed to implement this, but then it got shot down I guess.

Wakezilla

I’ve never used Uber before, but, I would imagine preferences like no smoking/no pets is something that would be in the driver’s profile?

I guess it depends on the city. People in downtown Vancouver love dogs. Many of the richie riches have dogs (small ones) as an accessory (which is stupid). In a city like Vancouver, I’d imagine as long as the dog is the size of a Chihuahua or toy poodle and in a kennel, you’d have to take her. But in a city like Calgary, you easily get away with telling her to fuck off.

Wakezilla

Whenever I think about Donald Drumpf running for President, I always think he’s going to pull out (giggity) before the Elephants need to make a final decision.

Him “running” reminds me of Lex Luthor’s storyline in Justice League: Unlimited: (start around the 1:28 mark)

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

Total coincidence….but I just discovered that butt and this song sync up almost flawlessly.

Wakezilla

Has too much endurance for a jiggling ass. Probably taking meldonium. 2.5/10 would not bang.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Am I the only one hearing “Ride of the Valkyries” while watching this?
http://bouncebreak.com/gif/bounce/a-nice-spinner.gif

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Not over my raging [redacted]

Wakezilla

HNNNNNGH.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

After I’m done with my food (still too hot to eat, btw) I might have my own CME.
Stress relief….woooo!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Back in the old days people LIKED otter puns! Wide eyed otter….. ‘n’ such!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I made that fine balance of weird, random and off-putting…. SWEET!

http://img1.joyreactor.com/pics/comment/comics-erection-forlackofabettercomic-doctor-550593.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, no balance whatsoever, but still.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

What the hell is a “golf”?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

I dunno, I think it fits.
He’s sizing up the hole and pulling out the wood.
YOU’RE WELCOME.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL…I said “it fits”….giggity.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

Rory. That’s fun to say.

Rory.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, if this is too hard core NSFW I can understand if you remove it:

http://40.media.tumblr.com/1c879d5d2f70783b6edb2ecc58dd5092/tumblr_nukm726t7j1qhl5rgo1_500.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

The only thing he wipes out are the nonbelievers!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I really do gotta go find something to eat. Haven’t eaten all day (seriously).
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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Sorry…this just occurred to me…
JACK o’ Lantern.
/ignore me..I’m hypoglycemic

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

To coin some Moose verbiage…this is BOTH HRS and SFW (but just barely the second one…and depending on where you work maybe not even. Your mileage may vary. But definitely HRS…WOOO!!!!)
http://liberallifestyles.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/bik-20.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Christmas Ape Falls In Love

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NSFW.

But HRS*
h
ttp://45.media.tumblr.com/1f83a14acbc8b5d686e4c1cce1534dce/tumblr_ntw9bs96N51t0u9igo1_400.gif
*highly refreshing, soothing

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes…yes it is. Both.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I lied, but only because I can’t leave out Cotton.
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/587/262/faf.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m starting to think maybe I had a sheltered childhood. This kinda thing almost never happened to me.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

Actually that edit wasn’t NSFW after all. Yay.