Latest posts by Cuntler (see all)
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Head Coach: Jim Caldwell, baby!
Key Players: Matthew Stafford (QB), Golden Tate (WR), Marvin Jones (WR), Ameer Abdullah (RB), DeAndre Levy (LB), Ezekiel Ansah (DE)
Key Losses/Suspensions: MEGATRON. Nothing else matters.
Notable Draft Picks: Taylor Decker (OT, Ohio State), A’Shawn Robinson (DT, Alabama), Graham Glasgow (C, Michigan), Miles Killebrew (Southern Utah)
Notable Free Agent Signings: Marvin Jones (WR), Anquan Boldin (WR), Jeremy Kerley (WR), Andre Caldwell (WR) [Yes, the Lions signed any and all wide receivers. Hopefully they didn’t resign Matt Millen, though!], Rafael Bush (S), Tavon Wilson (S), Johnson Bademosi (S) [Yes, and safeties].
50 Questions for 2016 (written while sober, as drinking and thinking about the Lions could drive a man to suicide):
- So Megatron retired, which kind of sucks for everyone, doesn’t it?
- Do you think there is a chance the Lions will be better without him (*snicker*)?
- Do you think Megatron retired because he went to Matt Stafford’s wedding and they made him wear one of these hats?
- So was it greedy for Stafford’s wife to sell her Lions tickets because she is a millionaire?
- Or is it okay because, for fuck sake, they are Lions tickets?
- Golden Tate is a pretty annoying player, right?
- Did he bang Russell Wilson’s ex-wife, or is that just a rumor?
- He definitely stole donuts from Top Pot, though, which makes me wonder why Pacific Northwesterners get so fired up arguing about what the best donut shop is?
- Donuts really aren’t worth arguing about, are they?
- I wonder if Detroit has a signature donut?
- Detroit does have a signature pizza, which is delicious. Aren’t regional pizza arguments the worst, as taste is subjective?
- Do you think Stafford, obviously a fan of donuts and pizza, has a favorite donut and regional pizza style?
- Stafford is from Texas, so I wonder if there is a Texas style of pizza?
- Why are Stafford’s eyes so close together?
- Do you think he sees dead people, too, since he sees ghosts on the football field all of the time?
- I wonder if Lions fans miss Ndamukong Suh?
- Why are the Lions collecting defensive lineman with difficult names to spell (Haloti Ngata, Ezekiel Ansah)?
- Is Ngata any good anymore?
- Does anyone know who these people are: Quandre Biggs, Nevin Lawson, Glover Quinn, and Rafael Bush?
- Are they actually the members of a British-Invasion era band called “The Lyons”?
- Did you know the Lions are called the Lions because the majority owner of the team at the time, George Richards (who brought the Portsmouth Spartans to Detroit in 1934), said “the lions are the monarch of the jungle”, and he intended for his team to be “the monarch of the NFL”?
- How did that work out for you, George?
- Does it bother you that lions are called the “kings of the jungle” but live in the open savanna?
- The Detroit Tigers are named after the Detroit Light Guard military unit, who fought in the Civil War and the Spanish-American war, and the Detroit Red Wings are named as an homage to a Montreal sporting club and the auto industry, and they both have great logos. There are about 1,000 better names and logos than the Lions and this, right?
- Do you think Detroit is called “the Paris of the Midwest” because its name was originally in French (Detroit was named by French colonists as le détroit du lac Érié, meaning “the strait of Lake Erie”)?
- Did you know that Dan Orlovsky is still the back-up quarterback for Detroit?
- Do you guys remember [BRAND NEW MINNESOTA VIKINGS STARTING QUARTERBACK] Shaun Hill*?
- Or Joey Harrington?
- Wow, Scott Mitchell sure got fat, didn’t he?
- That Orlovsky safety is the definition of Lions football, isn’t it?
- Or maybe this play?
- Or maybe the no-call in the Dallas playoff game?
- Or maybe the fact that the “Calvin Johnson rule”, the ultimate distillation of the unfairness, failure, and stupidity of the NFL, is based upon a great play by the best player on the worst team, and its interpretation has somehow hurt the Lions but helped the Packers?
- It’s not a surprise that an article about depression and suicide was written about two ex-Lions quarterbacks, is it?
- This isn’t a question, but writing about the Lions is making me depressed.
- Is there anything positive to say about this team?
- Wasn’t Barry Sanders the best?
- Did you know the Lions are getting cheerleaders this year, leaving the Bills, Bears, Browns, Packers, Giants, and Steelers as the only teams without cheerleaders?
- Did you know the Bears haven’t beaten the Lions since 2012?
- Who would win a real fight between a bear and a lion?
- Isn’t it strange that they had to use tiger roars in “The Lion King” because lion roars don’t sound as ferocious?
- The Ford family really has no idea what they are doing, do they?
- Do you think the Ford family would better manage the team if they embraced their Nazi sympathizer roots?
- Walt Disney liked the Nazis too, probably?
- I mean, seriously, how can a team be so bad for so long?
- If someone forced you to choose between becoming a Browns fan or a Lions fan, who would you choose ?
- Does anyone who reads DFO even root for the Lions?
- Can failed 2014 draft pick Kyle Van Noy turn his career around and live up to the off season hype?
Most Likely Scenario for 2016: Detroit goes .500 in the division and finishes third, with an overall record of 7-9. They will have several marquee division wins over Minnesota and Green Bay, and several terrible loses to the Titans and Redskins. The wheels keep spinning.
Best Case Scenario for 2016: Aaron Rodgers is injured, the Vikings regress without Bridgewater, and the Bears are the Bears. Minnesota goes 7-9, Chicago goes 4-12, leaving Detroit and Green Bay tied at 9-6 going into Week 17 and setting the stage for an epic, winner-takes-all battle at Ford Field. The Lions, up by two, give the Packers the ball back with 25 seconds left. Pinned at their own 27 yard line with 3 seconds left (due to two straight running plays and timeouts called by Mike McCarthy), Rodgers throws a Hail Mary to a wide open Devante Adams, who drops what would have been a sure touchdown at the Detroit 25 yard line. However, the Lions are called for three penalties: roughing the passer, defensive holding, and pass interference at the 25 yard line. Replays show that Rodgers was not touched, that a Packers lineman was literally stabbing Ziggy Ansah with a knife, and that the Lions defender on Adams, newly acquired safety Chris Conte, never held Adams and actually fell over his own feet near the 50 yard line, leaving him 30 yards away from the drop. However, penalties remain unreviewable and Mason Crosby drills the 42 yarder. Sad ass-eating commences, as Detroit goes 9-7 and misses the playoffs. Green Bay then loses the wild card game to the Seattle Seahawks at home. The officiating crew is chosen to officiate the Super Bowl between Carolina Panthers and the upstart Cleveland Browns, led by record-setting rookie passer Cody Kessler.
Worst Case Scenario for 2016: Killed by a Minnesota dentist.
*RIP, Teddy Bridgewater.