Making Ezekiel: Your [DFO] Law and Fantasy Football Mailbag

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Attorney, Funnyman, Dick-Joke Artist.One day I may refuse to save your life.

Twitter: @fakeapoth
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By far the most common question submitted this week was about where you should take Ezekiel Elliot in your upcoming drafts.  The second most common question submitted was if it is ethically proper to take Zeke in the draft.   I’ll take the second question first:  If you want to win at fantasy football, you have to be ruthless.  You can’t get your belt loop caught on emotional doorknobs like fan allegiance and the the personal conduct of the players.  Last year I rode LeGarrette Blount and his 1,161 yards and 18 TDs all the way to the playoffs.  You think I wanted the Patriots to win?  Lord Jeebus, NO!  I wanted Blount to score 9 TDs and have the Patriots still lose by 20.  That’s the way you have to approach this.  The NFL didn’t suspend Zeke because they believe he assaulted his ex-girlfriend: they suspended him because they keep fucking up these matters and they are concerned about the optics.  Rest assured, they will find a way to fuck this thing up also in a way that pisses off every side and denies meaningful justice to both Zeke and the alleged victim.

You don’t need to concern yourself with any of that.  You are a pretend owner who needs to rack up pretend points in your pretend game of football so that you can win some money and/or esteem from your dirtbag friends .  Zeke is one of the top running backs in football playing behind what is possibly the best offensive line in football.  Draft him and win.  As far as when to draft him, obviously we will know more after his appeal hearing later this week, but I’m drafting 9th in my primary league and he won’t get past me.  Draft him early and try to get his backup somewhere in a later round.

Legal – One of our managers got “side-swapped” by some kid who was driving the car of some dirtbag lawyer who is in the ‘collections’ business. It left a ding on both vehicles (not anything I’d report to insurance) and, when our manager pulled over to exchange information, the kid yelled at him and drove off. We filed a police report that day (well, got a tracking number, technically, but still asserted our claim). The next day, the lawyer calls us (apparently the kid got the plate number off our vehicle) and starts his $2k shakedown. We tell him to go [bleep] his dirty [bleep]ing [bleep] of a mother and take us to court. Apart from the fact that the kid hit us, it’s simply his word versus ours. So we get sued and, after pointing out that we reported the incident the day of the incident and they waited until after the first shakedown call a day later (and counter-suing), this thing has been silent for like 6 weeks. I don’t know/care where this is going legally because I get what this fucking scammer is doing. My question is, once this is formally over, how can I be the biggest pain possible in this guys side? I’d like to make a complaint to the state bar that he’ll, at least, have to be bothered to respond to. So what kind of words/phrasing do I need to utilize to make sure the board can’t ignore my complaint but, at the same time, keep me out of trouble?

First, I’d go back to the police and insist on them filing charges for leaving the scene of an accident.  In New York, leaving the scene of an accident is  a violation of the Vehicle and Traffic Law, punishable by up to 15 days in jail and a $250 fine.  You may want to encourage the police to investigate whether there is any sort of pattern of this person’s car leaving the scene of an accident and then attempting to shake them down.  You can help the police by going to the website of your local county clerk and searching for lawsuits filed by this scumsucker.  Next, all states have a forum where you can file ethics complaints about attorneys.  Attorneys are required to act ethically at all times: there is no “off the clock” concerning attorney ethics.  You may want to consult an attorney on how exactly to make the complaint, but most state bar association websites can point you in the right direction.  File an ethics complaint, attaching your police report and any other supporting documentation, including any notes you may have made of your recollections at the time.  Attach your phone records showing that he called you.   The important thing is that the driver of his car left the scene of an accident and he’s trying to squeeze money out of you AND filed a lawsuit in bad faith.  Also, maybe, and this is only a suggestion, but maybe don’t mention his dirty [bleep]ing [bleep] of a mother in the complaint. Maybe?

Football – Per CBS this years ‘Next Matt Ryan’ will be Wilson, Dalton, or Tyrod Taylor. Thoughts?

This article is bunk.  I do expect a nice bounce back year for both Wilson and Cam Newton who look healthy after some injury problems last year.  But if you ask me who will be the most improved quarterback for fantasy football this year?  I gotta go with t his guy:

“But you promised we could go for ice cream after the game! IT’S NOT FAIR!”

The addition of Brandon Marshall makes the Giants passing offense scary good (assuming ODB’s ankle injury is fairly minor).  Ray Lewis, OJ Simpson, and Aaron Hernandez  ODB, Shepard, and Marshall are a veritable murderer’s row.  All three excel at going up and getting the damn ball.  In a three receiver set, you can’t double any of them because the others are individually too dangerous to leave without safety help, and the Giant’s quick-strike offense prevents Eli from having too much time to think.  I predict Eli has his best fantasy year yet.


I have a legal question for you.

Good.  That’s what I’m here for.

I got divorced 7 years ago as she cheated. In Canada you have to be separated for a year prior to filing for divorce. During this year she was in a motorcycle accident and lost her foot. (not joking). She made a lot more money than me at the time but also was awrded 500k in insurance money. I did not go after it or any other payments from her during the divorce. Due tour separation and no co habitating at the time did I have any legal right to the insurance money?

Legally, you are entitled to a side of moose meat, a case of Molson, and a Special Edition BluRay of Strange Brew.  OK fine, I’ll do some actual research.  But first, I want to congratulate you, dear reader, for not being a total scumbag and pursuing your disabled ex-wife’s settlement money.  I like to live by the maxim of “just because you can (be a scumbag), doesn’t mean you should (be a scumbag).  And the same goes for you subway nailclippers, goddamit.  There’s no specific rule against it, but  th’ fuck outta here with that shit.

Back to the question: under Canadian law, spouses are entitled to half of the net family property, which is calculated by determining the net value of assets minus liabilities on the date of separation compared to the that on the date of marriage.  Any money that either spouse comes into after the date of separation is not obtainable by the other spouse.  So no, you wouldn’t have a claim on it because the accident happened during your separation.  Also, under Canadian law, certain things such as life insurance proceeds, gifts, inheritances, and personal injury awards may be exempted from the marital estate, so you didn’t blow your chance by getting separated too early.  Of course, an unethical lawyer can just make a claim on the proceeds anyway and hope that the ex realizes that settlement is always cheaper than fighting. Note: I am definitely not a Canadian lawyer, so please consult a Mountie or whatever the fuck you guys use up there.

Under American law, it’s slightly more complicated.  We have both “common-law property” states and “community property” states.  In common-law property states, any property purchased by one spouse is the property of that spouse.  So don’t worry, your prized collection of Tommy Wiseau’s filmography on VHS is safe.  If property is bought together, such as a house or car with both spouse’s name on the deed, then the value is split evenly.  In community property states, all assets acquired during the marriage are considered “community property” and both spouses are equally entitled to them.

In community property states, an personal injury award is community property during the marriage, but is normally awarded to the injured spouse on divorce.  In common-law property states, the award is the property of the injured spouse.  However, if personal injury award is used to pay common debts, such as a mortgage, or is deposited into a joint bank account, it may become community property, regardless of its original designation.  You should consult your lawyer about how to property designate and bank a personal injury award so that you don’t run the risk of losing it in divorce.

Fantasy: 7th pick in a 12 team snake draft. Who ya got?

Best WR or RB available.   You can’t go wrong there.

Do you think it is possible to play fantasy football at a high level without watching a single NFL game in a season?

I think it’s possible, but you need to at least have a general understanding of some players’ abilities and matchups.  Most of that stuff you can glean from reading blogs and advice columns [HINT HINT].  Last year, I couldn’t watch on several Sundays and Thursday and Monday games are usually painful and I still made the playoffs.  But watching red zone on Sundays is fun, right?  Even as the NFL squeezes every last bit of joy out of the game, I still like watching for at least a couple of hours a week.  So I say watch, but don’t fret if you can’t devote 20 hours per week to the NFL.  YOU’RE DOING OK.


So if I’m walking through a grocery store with my kid, and I say something about thunder, and she jokingly starts singing that horrific Imagine Dragons song that keeps mentioning lightning and thunder, and a guy walks by and says “Hey, that’s a great song!” I can legally murder that guy, right?

Legally, you can’t murder that guy.  Whether a jury will actually convict you is a horse of a different color.

That’s all for this week.  I need some more questions though!  Keep sending me your questions either in the comments, on Twitter, or at

This column is for entertainment purposes only. This is general information and not formal legal advice or legal representation.  If you need any of that, you need to go see an attorney in real life.  Legal problems are often serious and fact-specific; this is a dick joke blog.  The advice given in this column is non-binding and nothing contained herein shall constitute an attorney-client relationship.


Attorney, Funnyman, Dick-Joke Artist. One day I may refuse to save your life. Twitter: @fakeapoth Instagram: @leeapoth

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I’m totes disappoint my legal question was ignored.

But I already know the answer. Won’t stop me from doing it tho.

Again, you think I’m joking. I’m not.

(well done tho….please come visit me on death row)


Question for next week: who are the best rookies for FF production this year?




Thank you for answering my Imagine Dragons question. My follow-up will be about jury selection and how to assess people’s musical tastes.


That would be an interesting way to weed out jurors, based on whether they are stupid enough to still actively hate any music if they are over the age of 25.

Or, because I want to share this gif as much as possible, see how they react to you doing this.
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Senor Weaselo

I think it’s okay if you yell “Babalu” but I’m not totally sure.