The Dak Prescott School of Maturity: Chapter 4



Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

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The four newest members of Delta House make their way to the entrance of their new home.  The house is dilapidated beyond description, with flaking paint, broken and boarded windows, and random pieces of garbage strewn across the lawn.  As the four of them drag their luggage up the stairs, a spooky specter materializes in front of them.

GHOST OF AARON HERNANDEZ: Whooooo goooooooes theeerrrreeee?

Startled, the four boys recoil in horror.  Realizing the bother boys are about to run, ELI MANNING swallows deeply and finds his resolve.

ELI: Wait, wait, I read about this in Goosebumps.  I know what to do.  [he steps forward] Foul spirit, away with you!  Go back to underworld from which you came!

AARON: Prison? Nah, fuck that.  You see this? [points to a ring of bruises around his throat] This was my ticket out.  I am never going back.

ELI: Very well.  Um…foul spirit, what is your business here?

AARON: Relax, bro!  I’m just the house ghost.  I’m here to give the brothers here a heads-up if the Agua come around.  Ain’t no thing. None of you homeboys is wearin’ a wire, right?

CAM: Of course not!

AARON: [nods in approval, pulls out a pipe and applies a jet flame lighter to it, then offers it to the boys] You boys like to get wet?

ELI: Oh, sure! After I won my first Super Bowl my mom took me to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor…

ANTONIO: [Cutting Eli off] We’d better not.  I talked a lot of shit about Martavius when he got suspended; I don’t want to be a hypocrite.

AARON: [hisses as he exhales] Suit yourself.  Just know that you can get smoked for turnin’ down free shit in the Delta.  What are you guys doing here, anyway? The party’s not till tonight.

DOUG: We just got assigned to the house…

AARON: [is startled he almost drops his pipe]  SHIT!  [looks down at DOUG MARTIN]  Sorry, didn’t see you down there, little buddy.  Damn.  I’m the one who’s supposed to scare you.  [shakes his head to clear it] So you boys are the newest members of Delta House, huh?

CAM: That’s right.

AARON: All right, then.  You just head upstairs and see the Head Boy, he’ll get you set up with your rooms.

The door creaks open behind the GHOST OF AARON HERNANDEZ and he ushers the boys inside.  As they drag their luggage in through the door and it begins to close behind them, he begins to dematerialize.

AARON: Oh, one last thing.  What happens in Delta House stays in Delta House.  Make sure you boys remember that. This place could always use a new…bluntmaster…


If anything, the interior of Delta House is even worse than the exterior.  The boys hold their noses as they pick their way through the various piles of garbage that litter the living room. 

ELI: [stepping over an Oakland Raiders cornerback] Oh my God!

ANTONIO: [pushing aside an Oakland Raiders linebacker with his foot] What a dump!

DOUG: [finds himself eye to eye with the biggest cockroach he has ever seen]

CAM NEWTON leads the four upstairs and they head down a line of bedroom doors until they finally reach what appears to be the right room. 

CAM: [knocks on door]

VOICE: [from within] Hang on, hang on…

— [door flies open] —  

BLAKE BORTLES: Hey, you must be the new guys!  [reaches out to shake CAM NEWTON’s hand]  Welcome, welcome!

CAM: Hi.

BORTLES: I’m so glad you guys got assigned to the house!  We’re gonna have so much fun. [offers fist bump to ANTONIO BROWN]

ANTONIO: [smiles, bumps him]

BORTLES: [looks over DOUG MARTIN] You play volleyball?

DOUG: [starts to scowl]

BORTLES: [with a complete lack of sarcasm] Cause we need a new setter for the house intramural team.  All we’ve got now are big lanky oafs like me.  I bet you’re real quick on your feet – you got some wheels?

DOUG: [is won over by BORTLES’ charm; shrugs and smiles bashfully] I dunno…I guess…

BORTLES: [turns to ELI] And you!  Man, you’ve been my idol. For years!

ELI: Wow, what a nice thing to say.

BORTLES: [turns to his female companion] Boys, this is my special lady friend Melissa, say hi.

MELISSA: [is gorgeous, chews hair, nods hello]

Suddenly the lighting in the hallways dims – almost like a cloud has passed over the sun or a bulb has suddenly gone out.  The bright, friendly glimmer in BLAKE BORTLES’ eyes seems to…change somehow.

BORTLES: [to Melissa] All right, it’s time for you to get lost.  I gotta get these idiots settled in.  I’ll see you Thursday, right?  All right.  [slaps her on the ass]

MELISSA: God, you’re such an asshole sometimes.

BORTLES: Yeah, but only sometimes.  You know you love it.

BLAKE BORTLES admires her as she walks away, and gestures for the boys to do the same.  

BORTLES: There’s nothing like first-round talent, is there?

ELI MANNING, CAM NEWTON, and DOUG MARTIN, smile at each other knowingly.  ANTONIO BROWN glowers. 

CAM: You know, I was…

BORTLES: [gets right in his face] WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU TO SPEAK, CUMRAG?  [points to the ground] Ten pushups.  All of you.

The boys hesitate, confused by the abrupt change in BLAKE BORTLES’ demeanor.


The boys hit the deck and knock out the pushups. 

BORTLES: [to DOUG MARTIN] You.  Ten more.

DOUG: For what?


DOUG: [gets back down and does ten more]

BORTLES: All right, follow me, shitstains.  [leads them down the hallway] A couple of dickheads got kicked out for cheating on their maturity midterms, so we’ve got a pair of open rooms you can split.  There’s bunkbeds in each…

CAM and ANTONIO: [simultaneously] I call bottom bunk!


ELI: Sweet.

BORTLES: …and we’re having a bunch of sluts from Ben-Gal House over for a party tonight…[leads them into a storeroom]

BORTLES: …and as our slaves I mean pledges, you guys are going to be responsible for changing out the kegs.

Suddenly the dank storeroom seems to brighten. 

BORTLES: Man, you guys have been hoofin’ it around campus with your luggage all day…you must be thirsty.  You want a beer? [fills a red cup and holds it out]

ELI: Um…

BORTLES: [pulls it back] Wait a minute…how old are you?

ELI: [pauses] I…

BORTLES: WRONG!  [laughs, smiles] Don’t hesitate!  When someone asks you how old you are, you tell them “twenty-one”.

ELI: But I’m thirty-six.

BORTLES: Thirty-six? [pinches Eli’s cheek, turns to the other pledges]  Are you kidding me?  Does this babyface look thirty-six to you?

All the others shrug. 

BORTLES: No way.  No WAY.  Nobody’s ever gonna buy that a guy this smooth-faced is thirty-six.  Go with something a little more plausible.  The school is pretty uptight about checking ID’s, so you guys gotta be careful when you’re working the door – we could get our charter revoked.  Pop quiz: if a little honey tries to sweet-talk her way past you and says she forgot her driver’s license, what do you do?

ANTONIO: Turn her away?

The room darkens again. 

BORTLES: What? No!  Jesus, what is wrong with you stupid pledges?  You send her around back and let brother Chmura deal with her.

CAM: Brother Chmura…

BORTLES: Oh man do we have our work cut out for us…

To be continued…six hours later…

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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BLAKE BORTLES: Hey, you must be the new guys! [reaches out to shake CAM NEWTON’s hand]

[… but misses, poking Eli in the eye]


How the FUCK did you get the lettering to fade? That’s bloody brilliant!


That first picture reminded me of something…

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This just keeps getting better.
Loving the two-faced Bortles, LMFAO.

King Hippo

these always make me ridiculously happy

Don T

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Don T

I lost it at Raiders.


The “Chanandler Bong” on the door was the kicker for me.
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The Delta could easily lead the AFC South this year.