Hard Ride To Nowhere: The End

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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The scene: Outside of the DFO clubhouse. Ballsofsteelandfury is sitting there, next to a brand new red Prius. Otto’s Brain comes rolling out of the Iguana Mart across the street and rolls up to Balls.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey.

Otto’s Brain (irritated): That cashier is really getting on my nerves. He just stares at me every time I’m in there…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well, you do look suspicious.

Otto’s Brain: Very funny. Hey, you look down! Why so glum, chum?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Eh, it’s just… It’s been pretty quiet around here lately. With Moose deciding to hang around in Hell awhile, and Zymm on her island trying to get Horatio back to size, it’s just been…kinda boring.

Otto’s Brain: We could go to Wally’s World of Waffles…I hear they’re testing out a new forty-eight incher!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Nah…

Covalent Blonde comes out of the clubhouse.

Covalent Blonde: Hey!

Otto’s Brain: Hey, CB! Maybe you can cheer Balls up. I tried waffles, but…

Covalent Blonde: Well, we could steal Old School Zero’s new Prius and take it for a joyride. That’d be fun.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Joyriding in a Prius? How fun can that be?

Covalent Blonde: The fun is in telling him about it afterward. His face turns that really cute shade of purple.

Ballsofsteelandfury (glumly): Nah…

Otto’s Brain: Man, you need to cheer up!

Ballsofsteelandfury: I’m fine, just bored…

Suddenly a massive shadow falls over the entire area. The DFOers look around in confusion.

Otto’s Brain: Hey! Who turned out the lights?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Is it another eclipse?

Covalent Blonde (looking up): Uh…no, not an eclipse…

The DFOers look up to see a massive egg-shaped spaceship. It slowly descends, then halts twenty or so meters up in the air and hovers there.

Ballsofsteelandfury: If a giant chicken comes outta that thing…

A tube shoots down from the ship to the roadway. Seconds later a door in the tube slides open and three aliens stagger out of it. These guys are pretty much the definition of “Greys”…slim, hairless, seemingly asexual, large black eyes. They also seem a bit…inebriated. They chatter among themselves for a moment, and then spot the DFOers.

Grey #1 (rushing over): Geep boop bip!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Um…sure.

The Grey hands Ballsofsteelandfury a small cube, then waves his (?) two friends over. They make similar drunken, excited alien sounds and pose next to Covalent Blonde.

Otto’s Brain: I think they want a picture with CB, Balls.

Ballsofsteelandfury (holding up the cube): Sure…why not…

The Greys stand next to Covalent Blonde. One of them crosses his arms and looks intense, another holds up his two-fingered hands hands with a frown and the third points his thumbs at the camera.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Are those…are they making gang signs…?

Covalent Blonde (glancing at the Greys surrounding her): Just take the damn picture, Balls.

Ballsofsteelandfury (holding up the cube): Say…cheese…?

The cube flashes brightly and the Greys make excited sounds. One of them takes the cube from Balls and hands him a strange token, while the other two check out the Prius.

Otto’s Brain: Hey, get away from the car, you guys!

Covalent Blonde: It’s locked, I wouldn’t…

The two Greys open the Prius and get in, then call out to the third, who is patting Ballsofsteelandfury on the shoulder and slurring his alien words.

Grey #3: Geebsh boopsh bipsh.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Right. You bet.

The other two Greys call out to the third again, more insistent this time. He staggers over to the driver’s side and, over the objections of the other two, makes them slide over so he can get in the driver’s seat.

Covalent Blonde: At least they can’t start it without…

The third Grey taps the steering console and the Prius hums to life.

Otto’s Brain (to Covalent Blonde): Tired of being wrong yet?

Covalent Blonde: I will get my drill and turn you into a bowling ball.

The Prius swiftly backs out of the parking spot, narrowly missing Ballsofsteelandfury. The driver’s side window slides down and the third Grey waves drunkenly at Balls.

Grey #3: Goopsh! Gipsh mepsh fipsh!

Ballsofsteelandfury (waving back): OK, yeah. You too, man…

The Prius burns rubber and tears out onto the street. The DFOers watch as it veers down the road until it disappears from sight.

Covalent Blonde: OSZ is not gonna like this.

Otto’s Brain: Eh. Could be worse. Wolfman Rob could’ve stolen it. Again.

Ballsofsteelandfury looks at the strange token the Grey gave him.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Huh. I wonder what the hell this thing is…

Otto’s Brain (rolling toward the tube the aliens came out of): Who cares? I wanna see if we can get into the spaceship.

Covalent Blonde (chasing after him): Hey! Come back here, Otto!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van wanders out of the clubhouse.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, guys. Whoa, like, cool spaceship, man! Whose is it?

Ballsofsteelandfury: That’s kind of hard to explain.

Otto’s Brain (rolling into the tube): Three aliens came down in it, took a photo with CB and stole OSZ’s new Prius.

Ballsofsteelandfury: I stand corrected.

Covalent Blonde catches up with Otto’s Brain in the tube and picks him up.

Covalent Blonde: What were you thinking, rolling off like that?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van joins them in the tube and pulls out a joint.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoo! Let’s hotbox this thing!

Covalent Blonde: Oh, for…

Ballsofsteelandfury wanders over, still looking at the token. As he nears the tube, it starts to light up.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Huh. Um, guys…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van pulls Ballsofsteelandfury into the tube.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, thanks, man! I needed a light –

Suddenly the door on the tube slides shut. The tube instantly retracts into the spaceship. Then, there’s a loud hum and, at speeds unattainable by anything man-made, the ship shoots off into the sky, to be lost from sight within mere seconds. Everything is quiet for a moment. Then…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Old School Zero sticks his head out of the clubhouse.

OSZ: Hey, did you guys hear…? HEY! Where the fuck is my car?!!

To be con-

Oh, hold on. I just got a note. Let’s see, it says… Oh. Wow. It says here that this is the last regular Hard Ride To Nowhere. It’s changing its format next week and will no longer need a narrator. What the hell? I’m being let go? Well, crap! And I just bought a condo in Van Nuys… This sucks!

Hey, I don’t suppose one of the other DFO features could use a narrator? C’mon, I work cheap! Sexy Fridays? Hippo Thoughts? That Goddess thingy…?

Aw, man…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

Also are there any female DFOers?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Covalent Blonde and Doktor Zymm. I Will Dye Blonde and Vontaze Me Bro may have also appeared in earlier episodes, but I can’t remember.

MitchKissingTitsbisky
Member
MitchKissingTitsbisky

Laughed way to hard at drunken alien speak.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Dude, you have no idea how frightened I got when I read the title of this post.

Doktor Zymm
Member

I vote for a future very special episode where the Narrator just follows random people around narrating their lives in an attempt to pick up contract work.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo
Member

I believe that’s amore.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

ZOOM!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THIS CAN’T BE TRUE! I WILL HAVE NOWHERE TO POST LYNDA CARTER AND DEBBIE HARRY PICS IN CONTEXT!! WTF?!?!?!?

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Senor Weaselo
Member

Does this mean… HRTN! IN! SPAAAAAAACE!?

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

Not sure why, but this popped into my head

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iHsr7Chmff8

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

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AFTER DISEMBOWELING HIS LAST NARRATOR FOR NOT ACCURATELY PORTRAYING HIS ROCKIN’ DANCE MOVES, BOLTMAN HAS AN OPENING FOR THIS PUNY MORTAL! YOU SHALL BE PAID IN SUN-BLEACHED HUMAN FEMURS AND LONG-FORM INTERPRETIVE AIR GUITAR SOLOS! [Does the sprinkler] OOOOHHHHHH YEEEAAAHHHH!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

OK, Imma head to the booze store. Then return home and wait to see how badly I fucked up TGISF this week.

You see it’s funny because….ah, never mind.

litre_cola
Member

No more acid trip fridays? I feel like emo-Carr right now.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

You can narrate me anytime.
And of course by narrate I mean “naked spooning”. It’s good work if you can get it.

Can’t wait to see what comes next Beastie. Onward and upward.
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Senor Weaselo
Member

And by “you” you mean…

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Shhhhh…be cool man.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

So, if I post a gif of the big swinging dick from This Is The End, I’m getting in trouble, right?

Senor Weaselo
Member

I don’t have that kind of power, but definitely yes.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I think that qualifies with the “furniture” exclusion. **

** I don’t think the furniture exclusion really exists, but it should.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

People can (rightfully) rag on Jim Morrisson all they want, nothing will change the fact that this is will always be a cool-ass song.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

/snickers
Don’t you think it would be awesome if Lenny Kravitz covered it?
//runs away giggling