AFL Beat – 2018 Round 4

This week,

It doesn’t get more Collingwood than this
It doesn’t get more Carlton than this
And it doesn’t get more St. Kilda than this

Welcome to Balls of Steel’s AFL Beat!


Round 4

The Round started off with an expected rout of Collingwood by Adelaide at Adelaide Oval.  I mean, there’s no way the Pies go into Adelaide and hand the Crows their lunch, right?

That they did. Handily.  Well done to the Pies!

With that surprise coming early on Friday morning

North American Friday night brought about a lot of good games to watch.  The early one featured the GWS Giants playing the Fremantle Dockers in Canberra.  The Dockers are improving, but are not quite there yet.  Let’s call it that the Giants handed them their brunch:

Ok, now is where we start talking about teams handing other teams their lunch, breakfast, dinner, and brunch.  Let’s say that the Richmond Tigers handed the Brisbane Lions their per diem.  Yes, the final score really was 110-17!

To the Doggies’ credit, their game against the Sydney Swans was expected to be a beatdown and was anything but.  The Bulldogs led most of the first half until Sydney took the lead in the 3rd.  Western fought back but, in the end, the Swans barely hung on with a late goal to win by 7.

In the battle of expected Wooden Spoon contenders, the Roos took sweet sweet advantage of their Tasmanian “home” ground and made the Blues look like the Lions did earlier.  The final was 116-30 and I’m not sure which team is in worse shape, the Blues or the Lions.

Finally, in the battle of the Coasts which was actually held in Perth with Gold Coast NOT the home team, the West Coast Eagles made sure to let everyone that expected them to drop this year (yes, me included) know that rumours of their demise have been greatly exaggerated.  Granted, it’s the Suns, but a 139-59 whipping is a 139-59 whipping.

Saturday night brought three more games and a heck of a game at the Etihad between the league-leading Power and the struggling Essendon Bombers.  What a great time, then, for the Bombers to play their best game of the season!  Seriously, this was the Bombers squad that everyone expected would show up this year and make the push deep into finals.  They took care of the Power by 4 goals.

I don’t like the Melbourne Demons Football Club.  It’s funny/weird because I actually really like their players.  Max Gawn is awesome in his ZZ Top beard and Jesse Hogan is the kind of player you would want at your club.  It’s the front office and the fanbase that is hateable.  Thus, it was very nice to see the Hawthorn Hawks toy with the Demons for about half a quarter before systematically dismantling them.  The final score was 115-48.

The last game of the Round had my Geelong Cats playing their first game at their real home of Simonds GMHBA Stadium (fuck it, let’s call it Kardinia Park because that’s what it has always been in the days before naming rights).  As expected, the Cats made short work of the struggling Saints by a score of 103-56.

Let’s take a look at the ladder, shall we?

1 GWS Giants 3 1 0 12 139.8
2 West Coast Eagles 3 1 0 12 136.1
3 Richmond Tigers 3 1 0 12 130.1
4 Hawthorn Hawks 3 1 0 12 126.7
5 Port Adelaide Power 3 1 0 12 117.0
6 Sydney Swans 3 1 0 12 108.4
7 North Melbourne Kangaroos 2 2 0 8 133.9
8 Geelong Cats 2 2 0 8 109.4
9 Adelaide Crows 2 2 0 8 107.3
10 Collingwood Magpies 2 2 0 8 106.7
11 Essendon Bombers 2 2 0 8 99.2
12 Melbourne Demons 2 2 0 8 98.1
13 Fremantle Dockers 2 2 0 8 89.4
14 Gold Coast Suns 2 2 0 8 83.0
15 Western Bulldogs 1 3 0 4 71.9
16 St. Kilda Saints 1 3 0 4 68.0
17 Bribane Lions 0 4 0 0 64.0
18 Carlton Blues 0 4 0 0 61.2

We got a lot of blowouts this week including a couple of truly unexpected ones.  Very few people had Collingwood even staying close to the Crows.  There are no more undefeated teams and we still have only Brisbane and Carlton winless.

Let’s also take a look at the award-winning Balls Graph (TM):

We still have a TON of movement in the middle with only GWS consistently on top and the bottom four (I’m thinking five) more clearly defined.  It’s going to be one heck of a ride this season!


Footy Tipping Contest

Here is where we are after Round 4:

P TIPPER Round Tips Round Margin TOTAL Tips TOTAL Margin
1 Joliet Jake Delhomme 7 98 26 118
2 Sunrisesunrise 7 100 25 167
3 SonOfSpam 6 65 24 101
4 WhyEaglesWhy 7 60 24 116
5 Spanky Datass 7 65 24 119
6 Litre_cola 7 66 24 127
7 BALLS 7 84 24 171
8 BFC 7 67 21 146
9 Dolph Ucker 7 81 20 154
10 JPF 6 74 16 160
11 nomonkeyfun 5 88 16 185
12 blaxabbath 5 55 15 141
13 Game Time Decision 3 38 15 177
14 Sharkbait 2 48 13 184

We’ve got two new entries this week!  Well done, gents!  Also a hearty well done to Joliet Jake Delhomme, who continues to tear up the tipping and is now all alone in first place.  Everyone except one person got their footy tips in.  Does that mean foot fetish pic???

You should know me by now.



AFL Round 5

Here is the schedule for this week (all times Pacific):

Friday, April 20, 2018

2:50 AM (Late Thursday Night) – Sydney Swans v Adelaide Crows at the SCG

Oh, the schedule is not kind to the Crows.  Going to Sydney after losing to the Pies at home spells losing streak.

8:45 PM – St. Kilda Saints v GWS Giants at Etihad Stadium

Another chance to watch the Giants at a decent hour.  They should make a meal of the Saints.

11:35 PM  – Carlton Blues v West Coast Eagles at the MCG

The Blues have to win eventually, right?  RIGHT?!?

Saturday,  April 21, 2018

2:40 AM (Late Friday Night) – Port Adelaide Power v Geelong Cats at Adelaide Oval

This is now a really dangerous game for the Cats.  Having the Power coming off an embarrasing loss means trouble for the visitors.

3:10 AM (Late Friday Night) – Fremantle Dockers v Western Bulldogs at Optus Stadium

Despite West Coast losing the opener, it looks like the Perth home field advantage is back as neither Fremantle nor West Coast have dropped a game at Optus Stadium since.

10:20 PM – North Melbourne Kangaroos v Hawthorn Hawks at Etihad Stadium

The Roos may be coming back down to earth after this game while the Hawks are looking better and better.

11:40 PM – Brisbane Lions v Gold Coast Suns at the Gabba

Hey look!  Gold Coast gets to play a game in Queensland!  Too bad it’s in Brisbane’s home ground.  At least they’re not the designated “home” team…

Tuesday, April 24, 2018 (WHAT THE?!?)

2:25 AM (Late Monday Night) – Melbourne Demons v Richmond Tigers at the MCG

Yes, we have games on Australian Tuesday night and Australian Wednesday due to the ANZAC holiday. The first one pits the Demons against the red-hot Tigers.

10:20 PM – Collingwood Magpies v Essendon Bombers at the MCG

While the second one pits the surging Pies against the surging Bombers.  Special guernseys will be worn for both games.  Also, interesting note, the same four teams involved in the ANZAC Day games will play each other next week to make sure no one gets an unfair advantage.


I do love the unique guernseys that the teams bring out for special occasions.  Here are the ones for this year’s ANZAC Round:

Essendon Bombers
Collingwood Magpies

Collingwood’s 2018 ANZAC Day Guernsey features the traditional “Rising Sun” ANZAC Appeal shield and Remembrance Red Poppy. It recognises the 100th anniversary of the end of the First World War, honouring all 57 Collingwood players who served in that conflict by featuring their names on the guernsey’s central white stripe. The black stripes also display archival images of a number of those players in uniform, and the Ode of Remembrance is included on the inner neck.

Richmond Tigers***

Designed by PUMA, Richmond’s on-field apparel partner, the 2018 Anzac Day Eve guernsey carries a watermark of an Australian solider, standing in a field of poppies, and also features the 2018 Anzac Appeal logo. The Lest We Forget motif and the match details also appear on the reverse of the jumper. And finally, as per all guernseys worn by the Tigers in season 2018, the guernsey proudly displays the gold 2017 AFL Premiers logo.

Note:  I couldn’t find Melbourne’s 2018 ANZAC Day guernsey.  I have a feeling they will simply wear last year’s.  Also, I saw that the Melbourne Demons Shop sells them for outrageous prices.  In other words, fuck the Demons.

I have to say that I really really like Collingwood’s ANZAC Day guernsey.  If I actually was a Pies fan, I’d buy that in a second.  Only $130 Australian for the Adult version!


That’s all for this week.  Next week will be pretty weird, schedule-wise. You will most likely get two AFL Beats, one on Monday an another on Thursday. All part of the fun in the world’s greatest league.  Suck it, EPL!

See you next week.



International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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/last night

Me:”It’s snowing.”

Me: [getting up for a pee at 4am] “Huh, it’s still snowing.”

Me: [8am, tossing a bagel in the toaster] “Wow. It’s still snowing.”

Me [at noon, making a sandwich for sonny-boy] “Hoo boy. It’s still snowing.”

Me: [typing this joke at 3:30 EST] “IT’S STILL FUCKING SNOWING!!!”


Pure snow? What’s the street value of your yard now?


“After you cut it with slush, maple syrup and a six-pack of Labatt’s Blue? About 4 Toronto Maple Leaf season tickets.”

-Jacques “Sorry/Not Sorry” Escobar, Canada’s most-wanted Drug Pin


Let’s Play A Fun Game Time: how did your parents meet?

Me? My nacsent uncle was working with my soon-to-be dad. Dad drove uncle home all the time and was invited in for supper at one point. Dad eventually asks uncle, “who be that sister?” From there it was a short trip from first date to fucking in the back seat of a roomy vehicle to unwanted pregnancy to ‘doing the right thing’.



Mine were High School sweethearts. It was a really great story….

Until Dad died and Mom started telling me shit I didn’t know before.

Not enough brain bleach on teh planet.


So, my biological parents met in college. Nothing unusual there.


I didn’t know my Dad isn’t my Bio Father, until I was 17. This is where things get interesting.

For ease of reference,
“Dad” = the man who raised me, technically my adoptive father.
“Father” = my blood bio relative.

My Mom and my Father went to college together, got married, etc. I wouldn’t come along for a few years after they got married.
My Dad met his first wife in college, got married, etc.

My Dad’s first wife, and my Father were siblings. After I was born, my Dad and my Mom started an affair. My bio parents get divorced, she gets pregnant with my sister, and the my Dad marries my Mom. We move out to the West coast for a couple of years, while out there my Dad adopts me, everything seems normal to me until I’m 17 when my Mom tells me this whole sordid story.

I didn’t have any contact with that part of my family until then. I had no clue they existed. My bio-Father had died the day before my 5th birthday in a motorcycle accident.

So, my Dad is my Uncle, and I’m not from Pennsyltucky.


nomonkeyfun (artist’s conception):


Mine were both working at a summer camp for disabled kids.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

My parents were both guards at a concentration camp and met while working in the torture pavilion. Love at first sight.


This is where I am.

Senor Weaselo

I’m watching Mainz-Freiburg hot German Lesser Footy action… because Jonathan Pearce is commentating, so he’ll probably mistake armor as armament again. Yes, that’s a shitty Robot Wars joke.


Probably the best college football game I’ve ever watched. Enjoy.


Anyone else stuck in the house because it won’t fucking stop snowing? This ain’t right. This ain’t right at all.

Game Time Decision

It’s raining on top of the 6 inches of ice pellets we go Saturday and Sunday. Still not going out unless i have to.

checks seasonal weather and see that we won’t even get to the low.

Game Time Decision

and the plow just came by and dumped ice\snow\crap half way up my driveway.


That’s Mr. Plow to you


Don’t let the Plow King hear you.
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Game Time Decision

if they can get here, they can have the job.
it’s like trying to shovel soup


[runs in breathlessly]


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I bet the Bombers were inspired by the events in Syria.


Cool CenturyLink Repair Dude: I’m pretty sure I found the problem. I don’t know why no one checked it before now. There was a relay further up the line shorting out. I’ve replaced it. Here’s my card. If that doesn’t fix it, please call me directly. Please don’t call CenturyLink anymore.

Me Laughing Uncontrollably: They’re not too happy with me are they?

Dude: No. No they are not.

Me Still Laughing Uncontrollably: Yeah well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Dude: Honestly, I’m surprised none of your neighbours further down called to complain.

Me: If you knew my neighbours, you wouldn’t be surprised. They’re idiots. If they can get on eBay and FarmersOnly dot com, they’re happy.

Dude Laughing Uncontrollably: You’re funny.

Me: I know.


So what’s his DFO commenter name?


Usually these kinds of stories involve a pizza guy, but go on…


Boom Chicka Wa Wa.

Hey, at least my speed is now at the marginally acceptable shitty rate I’m paying for. And not the horrifyingly bad shitty rate it’s been for the past 6-12 months.


Holy shit. Youtube works again.

I can’t wait to try out porn later.


Remember you promised to be drinking a Dark and Stormy Daniels while you did it.


Oh shit, I forgot about that.

I need to go buy some Jack Daniels.


Who is JPF?


I took some underdogs to try and make up points in the tipping pool and man was I cockteased with that first quarter by Melbourne

Game Time Decision

holy sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, those 3rd jersey’s are awesome

If they had sleeves and I didn’t have pipecleaners for arms i would seriously consider getting one


Yeah I can’t imagine a scenario where I wear an afl guernsey. Seriously considering a GWS polo, though.


Nervous Sounding CenturyLink Guy On My Phone: Ummmm hi…is this Mr. Xxxxxx?
Me: Yes.
Guy: We understand you’re not terribly happy with our service.
Me: That is correct.
Guy: Would it be OK if we sent a tech out today instead of tomorrow?
Me: Ummmm…Yah.
Guy: Someone will be there shortly.
Me: Thank you very much. I really do appreciate you choosing us for your telecom repair needs.
Guy: Huh?
Me: It was a joke. Never mind. See ya soon.


Happy that Geelong got back to going in the right direction. Sorry I missed it. I might watch it on replay today.

Fuck Hawthorn and Sydney.