Your “It’s Saturday Evening, So You Know What That Means?!” Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

 

It rained on the Vancouver 4/20 party yesterday, and I don’t think any of them cared. But it’s Saturday, the night when real people party.

I’m almost 50 – I’m home doing laundry. OH YEAH – DOWNY SOFT!

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Maple Leafs at Bruins – 8:00PM | NBC / CBC
  • NBA:
    • Rockets at Timberwolves – 7:30PM | ESPN / TSN5
  • UFC:
    • UFC Fight Night
      • Prefight: Barboza vs. Lee – 7:00PM | FS1
      • Prelims – 8:00PM | FS1
      • Actual Main Event card – 10:00PM | FS1 / TSN2
  • NASCAR:
    • Toyota Owners 400 – 6:30PM | FOX / TSN

Tonight seems like a night to bring out the special bottle of Longmorn my lovely wife bought me on her last trip through SFO’s duty free shoppe. The Whisky Exchange says Longmorn is “Aged in a combination of hogsheads, sherry casks and bourbon barrels, it has a sweet and spicy whisky with notes of ginger and toffee.” Well, that’s good enough for me.

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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UnsurprisedBrick MeathookSenor WeaseloRikki-Tikki-DeadlyBrettFavresColonoscopy Recent comment authors
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Senor Weaselo

Gritsawx got no-hit. Senor hopes this means the regression to the mean begins now so he can stop chewing his nails more than usual. It is one of my many bad habits, after all.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If I didn’t know better I’d have thought this song was written by Jamarcus Russell.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My poor wife is sick so I’m coping by drinking.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Win win

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They shrunk a saber tooth tiger down to kitten size. This would be more fun to watch if my own cat was inside. She caught two lizards at the same time today. She’s caught hundreds of lizards (many more than once; it’s catch and release with those guys) but this is the first time she’s done two at once.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I got asked to officiate a buddy’s wedding. Who knows the rules in CA?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s the beautiful thing about California – THERE ARE NO RULES!

blaxabbath

Build * That * Wall *

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“Officiate” as in “perform the ceremony?” Wow. Invoke some Native American mysticism, even if you’re just making it up. Burn some sage for spiritual purity they really love shit like that out here, although you can probably just use pot now. If you need a best man JSD will do it and he has a guy who’s good with tuxes too.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

!

Billy Zane as P.T. Barnum on Legends of Tomorrow! Such fun.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Listen to your friend, Billy Zane. He’s a cool guy.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

This fucking wedding…holy shit what a mess. I show up at noon. The rental tuxes look like shit.

I’m sorry…I refuse to look like shit, especially if my photo is being taken. So I have to call my guy Dmitry. Everyone bitches from this shithead family…until Dmitry does is fucking work. Its not cheap…but it is fucking worth it. He took a family of rednecks with sleeves and pants all different lengths and he made them look like fucking models.

If you never wore a fitted suit…you are missing out gentlemen.

So I get the groom’s people not looking like ass and I meet the bride. She is Turkish. She has family flying in from Turkey. No one told me this shit. None of the ceremony, or the post wedding shit is going to be in Turkish.

I go to my shithead coworker that made me his best man out of the blue…”You got to kick someone. I need to shove someone in as a groomsmen”

“Wait? But its my family”

“Anyone in your family fucking speak Turkish?”

“No”

“Fucking kick someone. I can get Wociejeck here. He speaks Turkish. You WILL pay his bar tab”

“Its a cash bar”

“I swear to god Steve…I am ready to fucking walk. Fucking just do this”

It takes me crazy fucking begging to get Wociekeck to show up. Its literally “You can get shit faced and hit on anyone you want ONCE the ceremony is done”

My boy pulls through in spades. He is a pro. He doesn’t touch the booze until after the ceremony and the toasts. Her family is ecstatic. The preacher is happy. And no one looks like a fucking hick redneck idiot. It turned out to be a blast.

I left and Wociekeck was in his regular, frightening Polish drunk phase. I swear to god, he was making out with the bride’s mom I think.

Who the fuck does this? My coworker waited until like a week ago to tell me he was getting married and I was his best man. We don’t fucking talk about shit. I had to give a toast and I still have no fucking idea where he went to college.

I am not trying to boast…but I seriously made chicken salad out of chicken shit. It was like one of those shitty movies about fixers.

blaxabbath

Sounds falsified.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like stories.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But seriously, I really enjoy these. Except now I’m envisioning a reboot of “Wedding Crashers” starring Rob Bironas. This version is a lot less of a comedy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How is it not even 10pm? I’m not even drunk in public, I’m drunk and just got to my home.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Oh la dee da look here at Mr. Fixed Address, everybody.”

– Ryan Leaf

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Odd 13 Codename: Superfan is not as good as n00b but will get the job done.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Bartolo Colon is fucking amazing. That is all.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Well, it’s been through a lot of it.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

/plus one apostrophe ‘s’

Fronkenshteen

Just not Marchand. Just not Marchand. Just not Marchand.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Suspended indefinitely? Please be Marchand, please be Marchand, please be Marchand.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Two icings in a row (whatever that means) should be a penalty, delay of game, like puck over the glass.

Senor Weaselo

Apparently some kid is trying to save Toys R Us. With a lemonade stand.

Kaity Tong: “Good for her.” DRIPPING of condescension.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Isn’t it ridiculous that my favorite cocktail shaker is the one I got for free with a bottle of Ketel One? I like it so much that when I saw more at a garage sale I bought not one, but TWO backups?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Plastic-wrapped base, metal top. The top half goes *inside* the bottom half, which makes it much easier to hold while shaking so it doesn’t fly apart.

herodotus450
herodotus450

But why do you need to shake the vodka before pouring it into a glass?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Guh, straight vodka? Who do you think I am, a character in a Shonda Rhimes show?

herodotus450
herodotus450

“Shondra” is how I pronounce Sandra after too many vodka jiggers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Das boot!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Oh package of on-sale sliced hot salami in the fridge, I know you planned to live to see one more sunrise, but let’s be real here: it ends tonight. You don’t want it, I don’t want it, but there it is.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You can rest easy knowing he died a hero’s death.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“honey, where’s you hide the salami?” – Mrs. Herodotus450, not believing that he ate the whole thing.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

IT’S HAPPENING!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

It had jumped back up to +2500 before that.
Son of a mother!!!!!!!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Alright, can we just agree next time you get that number (HAHAHAHAHAHA) you jump on it?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m an idiot.

Leafs are panicking.

No free moneh foar tWBS.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

It didn’t happen

-Ron Howard

theeWeeBabySeamus

+3500, but nope.
Not gonna.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Off the pipe!

-Samuel L. Jackson

theeWeeBabySeamus

What have they got? 27 seconds more of PP?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, that looks correct.
Hey other tWBS, maybe next time check first before asking.

Senor Weaselo

It says 33, I’m currently watching the Dirt Jets find a way to implode. Hopefully it will complete itself and be quite amusing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was looking at gametracker and it said it happened at 18:33. But they are not the most accurate source probably.

King Hippo

NO SMIRE

Senor Weaselo

No, more like a chortle. It was a game-tying grounder that rolled all the way to the wall for a triple!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Armando Benitez making a comeback at short or what?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m rooting for ya. In spite of the fact that it’s going to cost me an imaginary $3000 when it happens.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Intermission music?
INTERMISSION MUSIC!!!!!!

herodotus450
herodotus450

herodotus450
herodotus450

Oooh I hate Boston so much, definitely want them to lose. But, oooh, I hate Toronto so much, definitely hope they lose. Buuuut, ooooh, I hate Boston so much, definitely hope they lose.

Game Time Decision

Go Team Comet

herodotus450
herodotus450

Sounds like the beginning of Hippo’s next favorite book.

Senor Weaselo

They’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel with Pokemon evil team names, aren’t they?

theeWeeBabySeamus

FWIW, Bovada has unlocked it again now.
Overall Bruins’ ML +850. Regulation ML +2500.

Yes I’m tempted but I DON’T BET ON HOCKEY OR BASEBALL DAMMIT!!!!!!!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

That regulation ML looks great now. NEVAH FORGET!

theeWeeBabySeamus

It actually jumped to +3000 just before that. Now +1100.

DAMMIT!!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sonofabitch. If they score on this PP Imma be so pissed I didn’t put some down on +3000.

King Hippo

tis ok, I’d pay $50 to see the Massholes lose.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, Bruins’ regulation ML only went up to +650 even with half the 2nd gone, but this PP upcoming just dropped the shit out of it.
Hippo’s +600 looking like good timing.

King Hippo

good timing getting in on the Dirt Jest when they very briefly went to +195, too (also only bet $50, que lastima).

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well, that just popped Bruins’ reg ML up to +800.

See, I was right after all. Now I feel smrt.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Where’s it now?

Stupid GAMBLOR

theeWeeBabySeamus

After the 4th goal, my guys locked it. It had jumped to +800 at 3-1.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

IT’S LIKE 2004 NEVAH HAPPENED!

NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Senor Weaselo

Ozzie Albies just managed to herp and derp on consecutive plays. I haven’t seen Atlanta have that questionable defense since… well, Dan Uggla actually, it’s not a Sherman joke this time.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

So maybe I haven’t been paying attention, but when did Toronto and Boston get hockey teams? Was there another expansion? When I think of ice hockey I think of towns like Phoenix and Nashville and San Jose; Boston and Toronto make me think of greasy little immigrants dressed in rags all huddled together afraid of being eaten, that is when I think of them at all, which is never. I hope this clears things up and let’s be careful out there folks. God bless.

King Hippo

seriously, can we not pay him and Buddy to comment full time?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I accept Paypal.

theeWeeBabySeamus

What? No Bitcoin?

Senor Weaselo

We only accept Dogecoin here.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If Brick ever shows up for a gathering I’m going to feel tremendously let down when he turns out not to be seven feet tall.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

This expansion to the north because of GoT is exactly why Gary Bettman is an international disgrace.

Fronkenshteen

If you like Velvet Underground & haven’t heard “The Complete Matrix Tapes”, you should.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

op. cit.

King Hippo

skip to 50-second mark, and the magic begins

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

If I wanted to take a nap I’d watch golf.

Game Time Decision

or baseball

King Hippo

a’ight, finally got me 6-1, $300 will be nice solace when the Massholes get 4 goals in the 2nd period.

King Hippo

seems like a bet on Massholes to win in regulation ought fetch MOAR than 5:1 odds. Fucking stupid hockey GAMBLOR

theeWeeBabySeamus

You didn’t!?!?!

King Hippo

I am waiting fer +600

theeWeeBabySeamus

Give it a little into the 2nd, you’ll get +800 probably.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

2-0 is the most dangerous lead.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m about to have my first mint julep of the year.

King Hippo

let us know how casually racist it makes you feel in ur tummy

yeah right

We should be coming up on Derby day.
Does a shot of bourbon count the same?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Can’t wait to see your new hat!

King Hippo

who was that fucking weirdo?

theeWeeBabySeamus

STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!!!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

Was someone mentioning laundry? Where did my maid go?

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King Hippo

always happy when I remember this song exists (they Catalan, so it is topical FOAR teh Copa):

King Hippo

I see Leafs, Eh’s terrorist is back in the lineup. Will this make a difference for us Masshole-hatahs?

WCS

FACK NO

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve commandeered the record player at this brewery. If any objects to Janis Joplin they will feel my wrath

blaxabbath

I prefer Jackie Jormp-Jomp.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I love that chick. I will help you eliminate anyone who objects.

Fronkenshteen

Yo Seamus! Portobello caps turned out fucking delicious! Thanks for the tip, man. PHRASING!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Good deal, glad to hear it.
Most folks toss oil in too, but I hate that. Make’s ’em too greasy.

blaxabbath

I was considering this item. I would also like this aforementioned tip.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Portobello mushroom caps marinade. Garlic, balsamic vinegar and a little bit of dijon mustard.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I want to see Nazem Kadri commit a felony on the ice tonight. Let’s go!

King Hippo

inshallah, brutha

Horatio Cornblower

Tonight?

Horatio Cornblower

I took my dog for a 3+ mile walk today and now he’s passed out.

But the little fucker made sure he stole my favorite chair first.

blaxabbath

My damn legs are so wrecked today. And I gotta still go grab something and cook for when the mrs gets off her shift tonight.

Where’s that Arby’s mailer now?!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Nothing matters. Pain is the default. Do as the hedonist does, no one truly cares upon death.

Get a Beef n’ Cheddar.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And when the mrs gets home tell her….I’VE GOT THE MEAT!!!!!

I’m sure she’ll think it’s funny.

(also it’s been nice knowing you)

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

The commercial with Bo Dietl talking to the black pitmaster that contains the line, “That’s longer than I smoke my meats” is a favorite of my father and me. Whenever something time related comes up, we say it, laugh out loud and feel the heat of hate radiating from my mother.

Senor Weaselo

And then he ran for mayor and was hysterical at the debate. Hysterical, not cromulent.

WCS

Seems to be Laundry Day all over DFO. Two loads left, and then it’s bourble o’clock.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I’m only good for one load a day anymore.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

A small load. And the whole process takes forever, too.

/Wonders what the point is of having this junk anymore

ballsofsteelandfury

Phrasing

ballsofsteelandfury

Phrasing

Horatio Cornblower

Laundry day here at the Cornblower household too. One load left, which I’m almost certainly going to forget about and leave in the washer overnight.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

My staff is doing the laundry today. Anyway I think that’s what they’re doing (that’s those machines in that one room, isn’t it?)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How much beer is too much beer?

theeWeeBabySeamus

If you’re still asking that question, you’re still fine.

Senor Weaselo

Until it starts leaking out of you as other fluids. Sorry, other non-yellow fluids.

Don’t hurl.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s the last time I ever send you beer, heretic.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Saving yours for later. But three breweries later…

Horatio Cornblower

I do love a good multi-brewery tour.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I too am doing laundry while trying my best not to murder my niece.

Also, my male duck has gone missing. I am not happy. Little jerk better be back tomorrow for morning feeding or I am going to launch an investigation.

Senor Weaselo

I’ve hoping one is not related to the other.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not that I know of.

Usually they come to the house twice a day for feeding when they’re hungry and want to take a break from doing other duck stuff out on the lake wherever they go. Sometimes they don’t show. But when they show they are always together. Tonight, the female showed without the male. In 2+ years that has never happened before.

And he’s kinda puny and sickly for a male mallard soooooo….yeah. We’ll see.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently mallards have a life expectancy of 5-10 years in the wild. Ask the female how long they’ve been together but be subtle.

theeWeeBabySeamus

“Hey baby, I hear you’re single now”

Senor Weaselo

Toyota Owners 400? Is NASCAR even trying with their sponsorships?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Imagine how far down the list they went before calling about “Toyota Owners”.

PERFECT DEMOGRAPHIC!

Senor Weaselo

I’m going to add NASCAR sponsor to my resumé next to my Time Person of the Year award.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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scotchnaut

“I drank all the drink. Can I go sleepy-baby bye-bye time now?”

/question was rhetorical, btw

yeah right

But it’s only 3:30 Scotchy.

scotchnaut

“Saturday, eh? I’m guessing the Leafs lose.”

-History, the last 51 years