Hard Ride To Nowhere 2018 Draft Day Special

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: The Door Flies Open clubhouse, where the DFO is supposed to be gathering for the NFL draft. Darkest Timeline Zach Morris and Old School Zero are there, but the clubhouse is fairly empty otherwise.

DTZM: Geez, where is everyone? I figured this place would be full by now.

OSZ: Well, you know, everyone has stuff going on these days, chief. I mean, Moose is off running Hell, Zymm’s been pretty busy on her island and Balls and CB are running around in my Prius somewhere.

DTZM: You still think they’re the ones who took it?

OSZ: What else could’ve happened to it? It’s not like aliens stole it.

Suddenly there’s a loud “WHOOMPH” sound from behind the door to Doktor Zymm’s lab. Smoke pours out from under the door.

OSZ: What the hell…?

DTZM (running for the fire extinguisher on the wall): Fire! Crap! FIRE!

OSZ: I always knew letting Zymm keep a spare lab here was a a mistake…

As smoke continues to billow out from under the door, DTZM pulls the fire extinguisher off the wall. It makes a hollow clanking sound. DTZM stops in his tracks and gives it a puzzled look. He shakes it and it rattles again. He pulls on the handle to activate it and acrid smoke pours out of the nozzle.

DTZM (confused): What the…

OSZ (nose twitching): Oh, man….that is some good shit!

DTZM takes a whiff, then coughs for several seconds. Then he takes another whiff.

DTZM: Marc turned this into a bong, didn’t he?

OSZ: Yeah. The day after you bought it.

DTZM (taking a hit off the fire extinguisher): I’d be mad, but this is good shit…

OSZ (taking a hit off the fire extinguisher): At least we’ll be high as hell when the clubhouse burns down.


The smoke from the laboratory wafts into the clubhouse. Through the haze several figures emerge.

DTZM (squinting through bloodshot eyes): Hey, is that…

Doktor Zymm steps out of the laboratory, followed by The Wee Baby Seamus and Moosemas Gorilla, on whose shoulder Horatio Cornblower is sitting.

Doktor Zymm (taking off her lab goggles): Vell…it vorked!

TWB Seamus: Och! Ye sound surprised, Dok!

Doktor Zymm: Ja, vell…I vas not entirely zertain zat my Matter Energy-Activated Transporter vould vork.

Horatio Cornblower: What? You told us you tested it!

Doktor Zymm: Vell, I did. But zose tests vere not entirely zuccessful…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower: He’s right, Zymm! We’re not your guinea pigs, y’know.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, not all of you, true…

Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio Cornblower stare at Seamus.

TWB Seamus (shrugging): Eh, it’s a living. Plus, I get a great medical plan and full dental!

Horatio Cornblower: Whatever, man. Just don’t come crying to us when Zymm gives you an extra head.

DTZM: Hey, however you got here, it’s great to see you guys!

OSZ (passing the fire extinguisher to Seamus): Yeah, it’s been way too long since we got the gang together.

Seamus pulls the fire extinguisher’s lever and takes a yuuuge hit.

DTZM: Whoa, take it easy there, guy! That’s some stong weed.

TWB Seamus (exhaling a massive amount of smoke): Och! This is Mary Jane?

OSZ: Yeah… Why? Did you think we were actually inhaling potassium bicarbonate?

TWB Seamus (obviously lying): No.

OSZ: Yeah, right…


Yeah Right (sticking his head out of the kitchen door): You guys called?

OSZ: Not really, but… Hey, how’s dinner coming?

Yeah Right: Well, we had kind of a setback. It turns out Teddy’s not really a fan of open flame, so when I lit up the gas stove he locked himself in the walk-in freezer.

DTZM: Is he okay?

Yeah Right: Oh, yeah, cold doesn’t bother him at all. But it took me over an hour to coax him out again, and by then he’d gotten hungry and… Well, he sort of ate the side of beef I had hanging in there.

TWB Seamus (taking another hit off of the fire extinguisher): Och! I’m workin’ up a good case of the munchies here…

Yeah Right: It’s fine, guys. I sent WCS over to the Iguana Mart to pick up a few things.

Cut to: The Iguana Mart. WCS is at the counter with his arms full of bags of chips, cookies, pretzels, crackers, caramel corn, animal crackers, nuts and Diggler’s Donuts. He peeks over the pile of food in his arms at the Iguana Clerk.

WCS: Hey, are you still carrying ¡SPONCH!?

Iguana Clerk (glaring with suspicion at WCS): Thbpt.

Cut to: The DFO clubhouse again. The DFOers are getting themselves set up in front of the TV to watch the draft, and passing the fire extinguisher around.

DTZM: It’s great that you guys could make it, but it still feels like there should be more DFOers here, y’know?

As if in answer, Doktor Zymm’s RV suddenly come crashing through the far wall of the clubhouse, Low Commander behind the wheel. It screeches to a stop in the middle of the room.


Beerguyrob exits out of the RV, followed by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, Hardboiled Detective, Lord Revisisle, Brocky, a yellowish blob and Harpo Marx. Low Commander brings up the rear. They’re dressed in a wild variety of fashions, from Rikki’s dayglo green banana hammock to Revisisle’s full suit of powered armor and Beerguyrob’s retro-apocalypse spiked shoulder pads. Low Commander, however, is still in his silver jumpsuit.

OSZ: Whoa! Where have you guys been?

Beerguyrob: The future.

DTZM: The…

Hardboiled Detective (pointing a thumb at Harpo Marx): And the past.

Harpo honks his ever-present horn.

OSZ: The past? Hey, did you guys get me…

Lord Revisisle (pulling out a mint copy of Giant Size X-Men #1): Yes, yes, we didn’t forget.

OSZ (grabbing the comic book): Woo-hoo! Take that, mrcomic_book69! Now I don’t have to pay your inflated eBay prices!

DTZM: Well, wherever you came from…

Doktor Zymm: Whenever.

DTZM (glaring): What-ever. It’s still great you made it.

Yeah Right (reaching between the couch cushions): Ah, I dropped the remote. Where the hell is it…

Suddenly there’s an explosion of fire & brimstone. Everyone gasps…except Seamus, who’s really hitting the fire extinguisher. And OSZ, who is carefully placing his Giant Size X-Men #1 in a protective Plexiglas sleeve. And the RV guys, because they have seen some shit. And…

Look, really only DTZM gasps.

Future Moose steps out of the smoke, followed by Señor Weaselo.

Señor Weaselo: Hey, guys.

Horatio Cornblower: Moose! Weaselo! Hey, how the hell is Hell?

Future Moose: Ugh. It’s a bureaucratic nightmare. Satan was not much of a records-keeper, and I have decades of backlogged souls to get through. And Asmodeus is a real dick.

Señor Weaselo: On the other hand, we have some great rock concerts going on down there! The place has really been bopping since Lemmy showed up.

Future Moose: I’m just happy to have a few days off. It’s good to see you guys…

Future Moose breaks off and stares at Doktor Zymm.

Doktor Zymm (self-consciously): Vat? Do I have something in my teeth?

Future Moose (pointing his pitchfork at Zymm): Is that…is that…

Doktor Zymm opens her lab coat. Everyone gasps this time. Everyone. Because under Doktor Zymm’s lab coat she’s wearing…

Low Commander (horrified): An Oakland Raiders jersey?!!

Moosemas Gorilla: OOK!

Horatio Cornblower: Holy crap, Zymm’s gone native!

OSZ: Oh, the horror…

Doktor Zymm: It’s just a jersey…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: That’s what the Nazis said!

DTZM: I don’t think it was…

Yeah Right (finding the remote): Hey, found it! C’mon, guys, the draft is about to start!


WCS runs in with his arms full of junk food. He trips over the yellowish glob that came out of the RV and bags go everywhere.

WCS: What the…

Beerguyrob (catching a bag of pretzels): Ah, that’s Lemon Jello. Don’t mind him, he’s cool.

Brocky: Yeah, just don’t let him sense fear. Because then he’ll melt your face off and eat it.

WCS (nervously, as Lemon Jello crawls up onto his chest): Really…?

DTZM (shushing everyone): Quiet, you guys! The first pick is about to come in!

Brocky: Who has the first pick this year?

OSZ: The Browns.

Brocky: Whoa, this must be the beginning of their decades of dominance!

Everyone turns to look at Brocky.

Brocky: Ah, I’m just kidding. They never stop sucking. Even after the first apocalypse and there are only three teams left.

DTZM: Three teams…?

Beerguyrob: Yeah, they have a really short regular season. But the play-offs are a blast.

OSZ: Here it comes, guys!

Roger Goodell (on the TV): With the very first pick of the 2018 draft, the Cleveland Browns select…

To be continued…


Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Old School Zero

I can’t tell you how touched I am that not only did you keep me in the story, but you got me hella baked. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna down a bunch of edibles and get back to the Yakuza game series. Those goons on the street ain’t gonna tiger drop themselves.

Senor Weaselo

Hey, Lemmy can finally get his knife back from Keith. (Seriously, Lemmy was a roadie for The Nice. And lent Keith his knife for the first instance of Keith sticking knives into his Hammond organ.)

How did I skip over this again?


PK still owes me a new car.

King Hippo

awwwww, I miss Lord Revisisle. Hope he shows up to bitch about the Jest tonight. Great stuff as usual!


I feel a great disturbance, as though a million CHOCO TACOs suddenly cried out in terror.


Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Do NOT ask for the puddin’!”

— Darren Sharper


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Zymm giving tWBS extra head was an unexpected sexy twist…


As soon I read that, I told myself “Don’t say it, don’t say it”.
But I knew someone would say something.
Shoulda known it’d be you, LOL.
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Tell WCS to go back to the store and get Funyuns, dammit. I mean WTF???


“And a couple more fire extinguishers. No. Regular ones. For reasons…”


Brocky: Whoa, this must be the beginning of their decades of dominance!

Everyone turns to look at Brocky.

Brocky: Ah, I’m just kidding.

This is so similar to what happens to me in real life it’s not even funny.

Either I’ve done so much stupid shit in my life people never give me the benefit of the doubt or my social awkwardness is a genetic defect that manifests itself as an X-Men power that turns off others people sarcasm detectors.

It’s like they think I’m drax, but without the huge muscles and sensitive nipples


Is…that MY name? I’m…I’m actually IN HRTN?

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Do we have a pool on which DFOer will try and eat you first?


Well I suppose there’s one now.


Reminds me of that bit on the orville where the slime dude voiced by norm McDonald was partially eaten by another dude

Horatio Cornblower

Sadly, this is more reality-based than my mock draft picks are likely to turn out to be.

It turns out I agreed with Peter King on something 8 out of the first 10.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I just found out that my new boss is a Wulfpacker, and given my only experience with NCSU-ers is from around here, I’m terrified.

I wonder if she’ll be hitting the office fire extinguisher on day one…

Horatio Cornblower

If she’s anything like our Wolven she’ll be bringing the fire extinguisher with her on Day One.


We really need a clubhouse in Wyoming to get away from idiots and family members. If only Wyoming existed.

yeah right

Hey, Mark turned my Instant Pot into a bong too!

Oh. I get it. Instant. Pot.

Nice to have the gang back together.