Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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INT. FOX SPORTS STUDIOS — WESTWOOD, CA

A producer mimes a countdown from five and, when reaching one, points a finger to the FS1 personality standing in front of a green screen.


Erin Andrews: And, finally, in news related to the perpetual carousel that is NFL coaching hires, New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels broke his radio silence last week, providing his first interview with the Providence Journal — his first engagement since backing out of an agreement to take the Colts head coaching position in February. As expected, McDaniels elected to speak with a friendly publication where McDaniels was free to express his desire to be an NFL head coach again but was not pressed on the details of his actions in February with Indianapolis. Why the Journal would think it appropriate to publish a piece that is so heavily-edited in an futile attempt to frame McDaniels as anything other than a man whose word is meaningless, I find inappropriate, at best. As a member of the sports media, I feel this lack of professionalism and candor by the Journal is a direct reflection of the poor state of media in this nation, overall, where a man like McDaniels — whose skills as a coordinator have been marred by a head coaching resume that includes an 11-17 record, Patriots-esque cheating scandals, and Tim Tebow. After then reneging on a formal, if verbal, agreement with the Indianapolis Colts that caused him to go into hiding this offseason —

— Door Flies Open —

America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani: Excuse me. These are lies. All lies. May I clear this all up for you?

Andrews: Oh, I see we have a guest. Of course, Mr Giuliani, I assume you are representing Coach McDaniels?

Giuliani: Among some of my other clients, yes, I am focused only on issues related to Josh McDaniels.

Andrews: I see. Well, I appreciate your time and, please, tell us where you would like to start?

Giuliani: Well, why don’t you tell me what we’re talking about?

Andrews: Well, Josh McDaniels verbally agreed to take the Colts head coach position then declined the job the same day — after the hiring announcement had been made by Indianapolis — without ever providing an explanation for the situation.

Giuliani: Verbal agreements mean nothing, Erin. You know that. I mean, you agreed to being filmed through your hotel peephole.

Andrews: I did not and, in fact, won a $55 million dollar lawsuit over the incident. Also, the Colts could not offer McDaniels a written agreement on February 6th, under the league rules at the time.

Giuliani: Exactly. The system worked for you. But now we’re going and changing it and just letting anyone sign on to be head coach with any team at any time? How is that an improvement? Especially when you read these coaching contracts and they just jump school to school without any sort of loyalty or accountability for their own word. I think there’s a lot to be said for Josh and the way he stayed loyal to New England.

Andrews: But he accepted the Colts job. Then he reneged without explanation. How is that loyal to anything?

Giuliani: You’ll see that he signed with New England. The Colts didn’t put it in writing. Look at what he did with New England. Promises kept, Erin.

Andrews: McDaniels is now saying, of course only in interviews with friendly press, that he wants to be a head coach again and has suggested that it may not be in New England. Based on his history, shouldn’t he offer an explanation as to what happened in February? Isn’t his credibility shot?

Giuliani: The Providence Journal is friendly press? Really? For who? Because I’ve never seen a Patriots fan reading anything other than The Daily Stormer. So, maybe the Providence Journal is friendly press because they’re reporting on an interview rather than providing baseless analysis?

Andrews: So what did happen then?

Giuliani: Look, Josh did the Colts a favor. He’s been in the league for years. He knows the Colts. The Colts know him. It was just one hand washing the other. I mean, you know, there were reports floating around during the hiring process that about a Patriots assistant who had been subject of an odd sexual assault incident way back in the nineties and, you know, without names, the Colts may have had reason to believe the subject was Coach McDaniels.

Andrews: You’re referring to the Matt Patricia incident? Or was there a separate incident with McDaniels?

Giuliani: Erin, we’re talking about South Padre Island here! This stuff goes down all the time at these Spring Break destinations. I don’t know of any incidents related to Coach McDaniels but I didn’t know about Coach Patricia’s either so, you know, I think both men are clearly innocent.

Andrews: So why did McDaniels accept the Colts job at all in the first place, even verbally?

Giuliani: Look, Jim Irsay — who wants to take Josh out partying next March, by the way — said that maybe he couldn’t hire him as a head coach without knowing all the details and so they asked him to distance himself after the announcement. Of course, once Indianapolis completes their investigation, they’ll reissue the contract offer to Josh. I’m confident of that.

Andrews: Why would the Colts issue the statement that McDaniels had verbally agreed to be head coach if they were still looking into him though?

Giuliani: Who knows that the Colts are ever thinking, Erin? I mean, they announced that they were going to hire a 5-time Super Bowl champion with head coaching experience who is innocent of sexual assault and seems like an excellent fit to structure an Andrew Luck offense. But, you know what you’re getting with Josh McDaniels is all. He moved up for Tebow. He was fined $50,000 related to the Broncos filming a 49ers walkthrough in 2009 while he was the Denver head coach. Indianapolis has no idea what they’re doing out there.

Andrews: So you think these assault allegations, as I understand your statements, are nothing?

Giuliani: The Matt Patricia ones? Absolutely. I mean, look, you’re running a segment on a guy who backed out of verbal agreement — one that, mind you, we don’t even know if it actually existed because the Colts didn’t have the foresight to document the deal in writing — when it means nothing.

Andrews: I think it means something if McDaniels wants another head coach interview outside of New England in the future. You don’t think all of this wouldn’t preclude him from being hired elsewhere in the future?

Giuliani: Josh McDaniels has done nothing wrong. I mean, come on, do you think his agent would drop him just for reneging on a verbal agreement?! He’s one of the best offensive play callers in the game. Obviously there is something more and he was valiant to not let the Colts be dragged into the headlines now, the way Matt Patricia has done to the Lions. Now, it’s probably deep insight into the association between the TB12 PED ring and the Patriots organization — or further information about what is surely a host of other Patriots cheating scandals — that New England simply didn’t want him to go and so they paid up to keep him around and, thus, keep him quiet.

Andrews: So what knowledge does Josh McDaniels have relating to Alex Guerrero and systemic rule-breaking by the Patriots administration?

Giuliani: These are previous administrations. How can you connect Josh McDaniels to any previous Patriots teams? You can’t.

Andrews:  By the rings. He was with the team through all of their Super Bowl wins.

Giuliani: Which is why it made complete sense that the Colts — a team that hangs conference championship game participation banners in their stadium — would want to hire him as a coach but, come on, he’s overqualified for that job!

Andrews: How is he overqualified when his one stint as a head coach was little more than a disaster?

Giuliani: He won a playoff game with Tim Tebow! Look, you clearly don’t understand football or the NFL. I don’t understand it myself either. That’s why you leave it to professionals like Josh McDaniels, a 5-time Super Bowl champion.

Andrews: You just stated Coach McDaniels had nothing to do with those teams. Now you’re crediting him with those titles?

Giuliani: Who knows? The janitor gets a Super Bowl ring. And they never used to, mind you, because the restrictive tax code would have crushed anyone not making front office money for receiving such a gift.

Andrews: So you don’t think Josh McDaniels, should he want to receive future head coaching offers in the NFL, owes anyone an explanation for his decision to reneg on a verbal commitment to the Colts?

Giuliani: If anyone owes an explanation, it’s Indianapolis for leaking the verbal agreement in the first place. They created this mess and I hope they learned a valuable lesson from all this. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment over at sound stage 7B for some voice over work on the animated Teen Sheldon series. Giuliani out.

blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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nomonkeyfun

Just reminder, when any redneck relatives talk about the “morality” of Trump/Rudy and how horrible Obama the man was.
The moral Republicans have each been married three times. Have each broken up at least one of their marriages because of affairs.
Rudy’s first wife, was his second cousin. He got that marriage annulled 14 years after it happened because they did not get a dispensation from the Church. He claimed that he thought they were third cousins.
His second wife, went to court to bar his then mistress, now third wife from meeting their children or entering Gracie Mansion, the “White House” of NYC for Hizzoner. That now third wife has filed for divorce recently.
“The Donald”, we all know his story, some of us just have had to deal with it in tabloids for over 30 years.

Also, to rag on Rudy in a non-personal way. When he was mayor, he created a Emergency Operations center to run the city in the event of terrorist attack or natural disaster. The address, 7 World Trade Center. Yes, the genius who lectures so much about terrorism built a command post next to one of the biggest targets in the world. The first attack on the trade center happened before he became mayor.

The man is a first class idiot.

The real reason I typed this was to be able to post these gifs.

nomonkeyfun

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Enjoy not sleeping for the next year.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Trump knew J. Edgar Hoover?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

A Roman Catholic Italian-American? Not in Hoover’s FBI, goddammit.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

You will never win a by-your-logic argument with these bad-faith argument motherfuckers. Save your time and energy for literally anything else.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani:

/Kills self at the memory

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You really know how to shake things up!!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Not wearing OSHA-mandated personal protective equipment. Would happily fit her for said equipment, 9/10.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Could be large vibrator and not jackhammer… maybe.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Is mattress. No person. You too curious. Mind your lane.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Do you think Giuliani didn’t confuse Josh McDaniels for Stormy Daniels in all of this?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Both were paid to shut the fuck up. Josh is a better faker tho.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

Teen Sheldon? I dont want to live in this world anymore

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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