Hard Ride To Nowhere: The End, No Really I Mean It This Time, Seriously, Guys, This Is It

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: The Door Flies Open clubhouse, where Old School Zero and Darkest Timeline Zach Morris are cleaning up the debris from Doktor Zymm’s RV crashing through the wall.

OSZ: Man, what a mess! I can’t believe this.

DTZM: Ah, what are you gonna do? It’s just cool most of us are in the same timeline again.

OSZ: Sure, but it would be nice if it wasn’t the darkest timeline…

DTZM: Ah, it’s not so bad. It’s not like the Pats won the last Super Bowl after all.

Both men suppress an involuntary shiver. OSZ glance over at the pool table, where a pair of brown cowboy boots are sticking out.

OSZ (walking over to the boots): Y’know, I’m getting really tired of Beastmode not doing anything around here…

DTZM (grimacing): Just let him be. You know what he’s like when he’s awake.

OSZ (pulling on a boot): No way! He can at least help us clean up…

OSZ falls back, boot in hand. He lifts it up and shakes it, dumping out straw.

OSZ: What the…?

DTZM (peering under the table): Huh. It’s…a straw man…

OSZ: You mean he escaped?

DTZM (smiling): Looks like it.

OSZ: Holy crap, when did that happen?

DTZM (grinning): Don’t know.

OSZ: But he’s running around loose out there! Who knows what kind of trouble he’ll get into? This is not good…

OSZ pulls the pile of straw-filled clothes out from under the pool table. Behind him, grinning like a maniac, DTZM does a little jig.

OSZ (looking at the clothes): Man, this is not good. I wonder if anyone else has seen him. Don! Hey, Don!

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Don T opens a door in the hallway and steps out. From the room behind him you can see strobe lights and there’s the steady thrumming of dance music. Don T himself is wearing tight-fitting jeans and sunglasses, and nothing else. And the dude is cut, man. He looks like Johnny Mundo after a protein shake and a two-hour workout.

Don T (as he leaves the room): Duty calls, ladies.

Women’s voices (from the room): Awww….

Don T (approaching OSZ): What’s up, OSZ?

OSZ (holding up a straw-filled concert tee): Beastmode escaped! Have you seen him?

Don T rubs his perfectly-chiseled chin and frowns. Behind him, DTZM is now doing a fairly-decent John Travolta dance routine to the beat of the music.

Don T: Can’t say that I have. Sorry.

OSZ: Shoot! Hey, you’re a lawyer… If Beastmode goes and, I dunno…eats someone, or burns down Levi’s Stadium or something, is that going to come back to haunt us?

Don T smiles. The shine of the perfect white teeth almost blinds OSZ.

Don T: No, no. We’re good, little buddy. Now if you’ll excuse me…? I have a few friends to get back to.

OSZ: OK, sure. Thanks, Don!

Don T (heading back into the room): Guess who’s back, ladies?

Women’s voices (from the room): Yay!!!

Don T (as he closes the door): Whoa, whoa! Put those tops back on! There’s no nudity in the clubhouse…!

OSZ (to DTZM, who is moonwalking back wards out of the clubhouse): Don T must have really enjoyed going to Canada. He looks like a new man.

DTZM (giddily moonwalking away): Freeeeeee-dooooommmmm!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly enters the clubhouse, passing DTZM on the way.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Wow, he looks happy. Did he take some drugs? Does he have some more of them? What kind of drugs were they?

OSZ holds up a pair of straw-filled jeans. A little button falls out.

OSZ: No, it’s not drugs. Not entirely, at least. It’s this.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (picking up the button): Denim? Straw? Is the straw some kind of drug?

OSZ (sighing): No, it’s Beastmode! He escaped at some point, and now he’s running around loose some-

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly clicks the button and disappears. OSZ blinks.

OSZ: What the hell…?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly blinks back into existence again.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Whoa!

OSZ: Rikki, what happened?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Dude! I think I know where Beastmode went, man!

OSZ: Prison?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: No, c’mon…you have to check this out!

OSZ: I don’t want to go to prison, Rikki….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: It’s not prison, man! It’s more like… C’mon, just click the button! It’ll be fun!

OSZ: I’m delicate, Rikki. I’m not made for prison life.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (grabbing OSZ’s arm): Dude, c’mon… This is gonna blow your mind…

What say you, Gentle Reader?

Do you dare click the button, to see what lies beyond?

Do you want to find out what happens in Prisoners on the Pleasure Planet?

Then simply click the button…

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Don T

Yeah, Canada’s awesome. Public health care and a power grid made of metal do wonders for anybody.

Skinny jeans… Cabrón 😂🤣

blaxabbath

First Friday I’ve ever had the opportunity to sit down and read HRTN. Great work! I look forward to next week’s edition!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My take on the whole “Yanny/Laurel” thing.

Is this a picture of a kitten or a puppy?

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Senor Weaselo

It’s a picture of adorable, case closed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My own pets’ take on the pose.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

So, he was made of straw this entire time… [Strokes chin]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RIKKI: That explains why he was so afraid of fire.

They look at each other.

LCSS: One last time, for old times’ sake?

RIKKI: [nods, pulls pack of matches out of pocket, lights one] Oh Beastmode…we mixed up some skittlebrau…

BEASTMODE: [comes running around corner with tongue hanging out]

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So Beastmode has returned to his home planet?

Just Lurking
Just Lurking

Long time listener, first time caller…
Hesitated to click on the orb, thought it might link to auto fellatio pron
Pleasantly surprised

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Merv Griffin?

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/does anyone get this joke?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Those drunk tests in Germany are hard.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RIKKI: [clicks button] Now I’m at doorfliesopen.

RIKKI: [clicks button again] Now I’m at hardridetonowhere!

RIKKI: [clicks button repeatedly] Doorfliesopen! Hardridetonowhere! Doorfliesopen! Hardridetonowhere!

BEASTMODE: [punches RIKKI in the face] Here in hardridetonowhere we don’t tolerate that kind of crap, sir!

Senor Weaselo

tWBS: You call that a TGISF? This is a TGISF!
Senor: Hey man, that’s a blunt!
tWBS: All right, you win, I see you’ve played sexy-blunty before.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“The version I play is called sharpie-blunty.” – Ray Lewis

“Ooh, we’ll play!” – Terrell Owens and Josh Gordon

nomonkeyfun

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SonOfSpam

WHOA.