2018 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Preview

*Camera goes on to reveal Donald Trump inside Trump Tower late at night. Trump is holding and reading from his ipad, with a smile on his face, until he reads the latest headline on AOL’s main page*

Trump in a sarcastic voice: Oh you really nailed me there, Oliver. I’ve been burned. I might just call up Pence right now and tell him that he’s the president. Jesus, what a fucking dipshit. Besides, I’m doing rather well for myself. He’s as bored with his job as I am president. Ugh, fuck it. I’m going to my happy place.

*Fade to black. The camera goes back on to reveal Trump is in Tampa, Florida, inside his favorite strip club, Bangtasia. He is in a VIP room that resembles an executive boardroom. Trump is sitting on a chair, behind an executive looking desk, eating scrambled eggs, a slice of  burned white bread with a butter spread, and a few slices of bacon*

DT: love brunch at Bangtasia! The food is excellent and the ladies are real salt of the earth at 11am. I…

DJ’s voice interrupts Trump’s line of thought as he announces the next act: Everyone-put-it-together-for…. Catinkaaaa!

Trump: Catinka? I love it! This name really urinates with me.

/out walks Catinka in a black, business casual attire. She has a whip in hand, a pissed off look on her face and she starts to do a Russian folk dance.

Trump: Whoah! Catinka, urine trouble with the Don! I love it! I’m going to have a good time. I..

/On all her fours, Catinka crawls to Trump, and she looks like she has bad intentions in her eyes.

Catinka in a Russian accent, akin to Alison Brie’s character, Zoya the Destroya: How are you today, comrade?

Trump: I love that French accent! Please, Catinka. Call me daddy. I’m going to make you rich as your are beautiful.

Catinka, without batting an eye and in a posh, North East American accent: No problem, daddy. I’m so glad you’re here. Everyone else here are losers and not as cool as you.

/Camera quickly zooms out to reveal no one is in the room. It is after-all, a VIP room.

Catinka: What can I do for daddy?

Trump: Catinka, I need to be cheered up. What do you know about my favorite team, the Tampa Buccaneers?. . . Or as I like to call them, the FUCK-an-eers. I know it’s shocking to some that the Bucs are my team, especially when the Glazer family donation of over $250K doesn’t come anywhere close to being one of my biggest donors from the NFL. I have a handful of owners that contribute over a million dollars to me, so you know my love for Tampa is legitimate. With that said, Robert Kraft, Jerry Jones, Woody Johnson, Stan Kroenke, Dan Snyder, Shahid Khan, and Bob McNair are good people. You know what they say, the friends that get herpes from the Help together, stay together.

Catinka with a fake laugh. She’s clearly good at faking things and would easily be one of the best actresses in Hollywood:  You’re so funny, daddy. But I’ll do it for you. Their coach this season is Dirk Koetter.

Trump: Dirk Caber? I loved him in ‘Pumped Pissed and Pounded’ and ‘Sugar Daddies.’

Catinka with a perplexed look on her face: Yes, daddy. You have…an interesting taste in pornography.

Trump: The best money can buy, Itinka. Don’t you forget it! Is their Offensive line still exactly how I like my women: easily penetrable and doesn’t put up too much of fight?

Catinka: They are a little bit better, daddy. They added former Ravens center, Ryan Jensen, but are still weak at left tackle and right guard and have no depth. So if one of their oft injury prone lineman get hurt, urine for a bad time if you’re a fan of the Bucs. Even still, the linemen are healthy now and despite the pass blocking looking better in training camp and in preseason, the rush blocking is looking just as bad as last year.

Trump: That’s terrible to hear about the running game going to struggle. Same thing happened in the 80s with Ricky Bell. He became so embarrassed to be a Bucs running back, he couldn’t even step outside without feeling burned. Is Ronde Barber’s twin brother, Peyton still the starting running back?

Catinka: Peyton Barber isn’t. . Yes. Peyton is still the starting back. Ronald Jones was drafted in the second round and was expected to surpass Barber before the season began. Unfortunately for him, he has looked more like Charles Sims than Warrick Dunn. In other words, Tampa isn’t going to have a running game this year, again.

Trump: Urinanlaysis for the backs sounds bleak, Itinka. That might give some wiggle room for my boy, Jizz Rodgers to come out of nowhere and win the starting job. What about the wide receivers, Ivinka? /puts $100 down Catinka’s blouse and does a little groping

Catinka with a fake, pleasurable groan: Mmmm. These guys are deep,like how deep you’re going to be in me, daddy.

Trump: That’s what I want to hear, Ivanka!

Catinka: Don’t use my real name. /Catinka says with a whisper and winks

Mike Evans is a guy worth having on your fantasy team. If he had a consistently good quarterback, most people would consider him a top 3 receiver instead of one in the top 10. Desean Jackson is worth taking a look at in terms of a late round fantasy pick. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder. If you aren’t sold on him and need a receiver on your team, Chris Godwin could become the clear cut number 2 receiver by the end of the season. He would make an excellent sleeper pick or a early waiver wire pick up in fantasy drafts. He may not make the team, but, don’t sleep on Jesus “Bobo” Wilson. Jesus for the god aspect and Bobo because that’s a fun name.

As for their tight ends, Cameron Brate and OJ Howard are no Ken Dilger or Jimmie Giles. They’re better!

Trump: Sure, but not Kellen Winslow JR. Though, I believe he’s going to be quite the receiver by the end of the summer. I mean, 86 years old? Should have gone with the “too ugly for me” defense.

Catinka:You really nasty, daddy. While both tight ends are good, they’re going to handcuff each other in fantasy football because neither have really separated themselves from the other and they’re OK with that. Speaking of nasty, their defense is going to be nasty again this season.

Trump: You’re so smart and beautiful, just like my daughter. Tell me more.

Catinka: The defensive line is still lead by Gearld McCoy, who now has some help because Eagles players Vinny Curry and Beau Allen are on the team.They also added Jason Pierre Paul and drafted Maui from Moana.

Trump: I see what’s happening here and it sounds promising! Pair them with the already strong linebacking group of Kwon Alexander and Lavonte David and the Bucs’ defense is cooking.

Catinka: There’s only one problem, daddy.

Trump: What’s that, Ivanka?

Catinka: Chris Conte is still a starter.

Trump: Well, at least he speaks perfect English. I like that about him. It also sounds like the defense is going to need some bullet proof jerseys to with stand all the bullet passes going through Conte to the opposing team’s wideouts. The other players are going to really have to grab for the ball right by the laces to ensure they get more interceptions.

Catinka: Sure thing daddy. Speaking of grabbing, we haven’t even mentioned the quarterback situation.

Trump: America’s president loves America’s quarterback! You know Famous Winston is great when you have guys like me, Backstreet Boys’ Nick Carter and Hulk Hogan love the nig—uh, I mean what quarterback situation?

Catinka: Jameis Winston is going to miss the first three games for inappropriately grabbing a female uber driver.

Trump: What? That’s how we used to say hello, back in my day. Who’s taking over those games? /Trump stuffs a couple of hundred dollar bills down Catinka’s garter belt.

Catinka: Ryan Fitzpatrick. Did you know he went to Harvard?

Trump: Well, if he’s from Harvard, the Bucs are in good shape.If it goes as well as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortex being afraid of Harvardian Ben Shapiro, they may have to keep starting Fitzpatrick.

Catinka: You know it Daddy. He’ll make Tampa great again!

Trump all excited: I see what you did there! Now you’re going down the right stream. What do you think Tampa’s record will be?

Catinka: Well, the franchise fully supports Famous Jameis, so, if Fitzpatrick works his magic and wins one of the first three games, I think the Bucs will finish with a 7-9 or 8-8 record. If the Bucs start off the season going 0-4 going into their bye week, I think they’ll finish with 4 wins and Johnny Football will be their starting quarterback next year. If the latter happens if will likely mean that Winston finished the transformation of becoming Jamaracus Russell,

Trump: Ivanka, you never cease to amaze me! Say, how would you like to make a quick ten grand?

Catinka: I thought you’d never ask. I drank lots of water and I’ll go grab the shinjo.

Trump: Thanks. You know what they say, behind every great man is a woman pegging him

–Fin–

 

 

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Low Commander of the Super SoldiersWakezillanomonkeyfunSonOfSpamIan Scott McCormick Recent comment authors
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I probably shouldn’t have read this while eating lunch.

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nomonkeyfun

There is no way he goes to a strip club, they aren’t garish enough for him.

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Ian Scott McCormick

I believe her stage name is The Feckless Catinka

yeah right

It makes total sense that his favorite QB would be Commander Crab Legs.

LemonJello
LemonJello

There was a distinct lack of MRSA in this preview, For that reason, I can only give it eleven out of ten stars.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Now we’re just publishing literal transcripts without adding anything?

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

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ballsofsteelandfury

Also, this may be my favourite preview EVER.

ballsofsteelandfury

Please, for the love of God, tell me Bangtasia is a real place.

If not, i’m opening a strip club and calling it that.

SonOfSpam

Or at least put that on a sign over your bedroom door.