Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 7, 2018 Season

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Another week in the books, further differentiation at hand.

We definitely have a runaway leader for Superb Owl favourites, in the 7-0 RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! crew.  After playing a few close matches, LA’s finest decided not to be cute and disposed of the Tomsulas with brutal efficiency.  Todd Gurley continues his “even more obvious than 2017” MVP campaign.  Santa Clara might be borken now.

Similarly, the Chefs pace the AFC, after blasting Cincy on SNF, 45-10.  I’m not sure the game was really as close as the scoreline would indicate.  Mahomes-y could have put up pretty much whatever number he wanted, but at some point mercy kicked in.

After that, I see of tier of maybe four, though the cutoff is more nebulous.  Interestingly enough. these four all played one another on Sunday.  N’Awlins went into Charm City and escaped with a 24-23 win, thanks to Justin Tucker’s first ever professional missed extra point.  I take it as a heavenly rejoinder to criticism of the Titans decision to go for 2 in London (see below).  Overall, this was just a really good game, closely fought and showed the Saints having some ability to fight (and win) outside their comfort zone.

I’d have the P*ts and Bearistocrats! in the next tier, as well.  New England is beating good teams now, and I am as disgusted as anyone by it (but have to acknowledge it as more than a passing fad).  Chi**** just needs to solder up its leaky defensing unit, and hope that Biscuit del Verdad’s athleticism outweighs his idiocy most weeks.  They certainly make for an interesting watch, at minimum.

Shitty Clippers are 5-2, but nobody believes it’s real – and for good reason.  They tried hard to give away the London fixture, but Tennessee failed twice on the winning 2-point play.  It was deffo the right decision, though.  King Laserface was throwing all over the Tits’ secondary, and would have had a significant advantage in overtime.  One close to 50/50 play was the best odds play TN had, and kudos to them for not playing it by the book.  Also, the “sure” extra point is no sure thing, anyway (see Tucker, Justin and his amyl poppers eyes from yesterday).

Minny-SEW-ta climbed to 4-2-1 with a road win over the Jest.  I just can’t take a team led by Captain Dingleberry seriously.  Sorry.  Adam Thielen is having an amazeballs season, though.

Don’t look now, but the once-heroic Iggles may have a fatal case of Superb Owl hangover.  A boring 17-0 Q4 lead turned bananacakes fast, with Cam going Superman for reals and directing 3 TD drives to take the lead.  A long PI penalty put Philly in great field position with more than a minute left, but Dakota Jeebus couldn’t manage another first down.  21-17, Black Panthers.  Nice statement win for them, too.

Philly gets similarly reeling Jacksonville in next week’s final London fixture of the season.  This week’s disaster piece was a home shellacking to the 500s, of all sides.  20-7, complete with a BORT! benching.  Yes, backup Cody Kessler got the only 7.  Ouch.

I suppose the Redacteds might just be the team to watch in the NFC Least.  Ryan Kerrigan finally has enough help to shine, as he did making with the strip-sack-TD to cement the 20-17 home win over DAK! and the non-gendered Cowpersons.  Well, I say “cement” but a series of questionable decisions and execution gave the Pokes a chance to tie the game late, but fortunately they got a (perhaps dodgy) penalty, pushing the FG attempt back to 52-yards, letting Goddess Bless do Her thing.

Speaking of kicker adventures…poor #ThePauls.  They scratch and claw their way into OT, aided by Canyonero missing an extra point, then a 40-yarder at the end of regulation.  Defense comes up big, forces a punt in the extra period, but they fumble.  But defense puts Rapey Jameis on his back, looks like they will at least secure Glorious Draw…until they get enough of a chunk to try a 59-yard FG on 4th down.  Which is what #ThePauls tried a few weeks ago, it only gives up field position and costs you the sure point.  Right?  Nope, Canyonero makes a new career long, and Baker Mayfield does a great ManningFace imitation.

Did you notice anything about the Lions’ win in Miami?  Me neither.

Finally, we had Most Glorious Scorigami in Humpville, with the home side demolishing Horse Balls and the Bills, 37-5.  Thank fuck for hopelessly awry shotgun snaps, eh?

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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King Hippolitre_colaballsofsteelandfuryblaxabbathLow Commander of the Super Soldiers Recent comment authors
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litre_cola

CANYONNEEERRROOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sorry, always cracks me up.

SonOfSpam

Classy equalizer by Ozil!

(Some accent guy on the TV just said that. I assume it has something to do with migrant caravans.)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Without looking, those of you who don’t already know, guess which round pick the Cowboys gave to the Raiders in exchange for Amari Cooper. Please be serious and give it your best guess.

SonOfSpam

My best guess is LOL. Also, can’t wait til Gruden fucks it up, whatever it is.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

.22 rim-fire

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

YEEE HAWWW!!

This is like Roy Williams all over again.

nomonkeyfun

I don’t think he’ll do to well as a WR in the league now.

Ducks objects thrown by Woven sort.

blaxabbath

So OAK will have Picks 2, 30, and 31 next year?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Amari Cooper to the Cowboys for a

Spoiler
1st
.

While I enjoy the Bears’ regular displays of hilarious ineptitude, rooting against them has never felt quite right. Rooting against the Cowboys will be much easier.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Well the numbers will still line up, but AC/DP sounds like a “film” directed by Balls more than anything.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

THESE TITANS, I CALL THEM THE WONDERBRAS BECAUSE EVERYTHING WAS LOOKING GOOD UNTIL THE LAST SECOND AND THEN LEFT ME REALLY DISAPPOINTED UPON REVEAL.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Have you ever gotten a weird targeted ad that had nothing to do with you?

This was on my Facebook page, which I only have relatives as friends. I had to click on it because I was like “what the fuck is that” so I had to find out. They got me.

I think it’s a machine for punching holes in dictionaries or Bibles or something pretty thick. It costs $4315.70. I don’t need any holes punched through any thick books that badly. I don’t need any holes punched in anything for that matter, nor have I expressed any interest in hole-punching, not even subliminally, and if I did I would not buy this one. No sale.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I get the same thing with cock rings. I’ve no idea why I get those ads…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Really? No idea?

litre_cola

What is it going to take for me to get you in to this hole punch? – A Balls directed joint.

nomonkeyfun

In other news Roger Goodell will be announcing his next strong and brave move against domestic violence and dispensing an 8 game suspension of Rae Carruth, while sucking his own cock.

https://deadspin.com/rae-carruth-has-been-released-from-prison-1829909358

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Usually when the Bengals take a beating like that, it’s because they just attacked Siegfried and Roy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That needs to be bannered.
Holy shit I just did a spit take I was laughing so hard.

Somebody give me my admin privs back already!!!!!!!

Game Time Decision

seconded

yeah right

I know they were your preseason pick to click but I’m not getting the love for Chicago. They lost to Miami! Please take a quick gander at the NFC north standings. You only need a quick gander because those standings won’t be changing.

Thank you and keep doing the lord’s work.

ballsofsteelandfury

I heartily support this take.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I emotionally support this take.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I physically support this take. (Have to protect the knees, you see.)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Bears are a fun team that cannot be counted on. Clear metaphor here. Don’t marry her, and buy slash resistant tires.

Don T

Re, Tits going for two from the one yard line and calling for a pass
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theeWeeBabySeamus

My team scored 78.70 pts this week. That’s not too good.
Funniest part?

If I hadn’t plugged John Brown (BAL) back in at the last minute over Albert Wilson (MIA)….?

I wouldn’t even have made 60.

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I am not good at the fantasy footballingz.

(There’s gonna be a lotta assholes hitting the waiver wire this week)
((If imma go 2-13, Imma go down swinging))

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Hey, you have a win!

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s been so long ago I forgot.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Seeing as I am a new, refined Mr. Cole, I will refrain making the obvious homoerotic, puerile “a**holes hitting the waiver wire” joke.

However, you do suck desiccated Albanian war criminal dick at fantasy football.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Tough, but fair.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Homoerotic jokes are a-okay with me. It’s the homophobic ones that leave a bad taste in my mouth.

ballsofsteelandfury

Try pineapple juice.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Glad someone caught that. You see, I am not making fun of putting penises in one’s mouth, I am making fun of bad-tasting penises.

SonOfSpam

Make him rinse it off after he fucks you. I mean, duh.

theeWeeBabySeamus

NEVAR GO ASS TO MOUTH.

litre_cola

This went sideways in a hurry. Every morning have a cranberry-pineapple smoothie. 2 birds 1 stone.

Game Time Decision

Benching Blake Bortles belies belief

ballsofsteelandfury

Bortles blows baboon balls.

blaxabbath

Better believe it, buddy.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Bad Bortles ballgame bewilders bystanders.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kind of terrifying that the fewest points the Chiefs have scored this season is 27. I am having a hard time maintaining faith that they will implode hilariously in the playoff this year.

Fronkenshteen

#justbeatthepatriots

ballsofsteelandfury

They will get outscored by either the Pats or Steelers, Mahomie will make a costly rookie mistake, Reid will make a costly coaching blunder and that will be that.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Don’t worry. Andy Reid has your (baby) back (ribs).

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah yes, Andy Reid being in possession of a food item that I would like him to give to me, that is wonderfully reassuring.

walkingthedog
walkingthedog

What if they played their games in Wichita?

Fronkenshteen

For the 100th time; someone please justify Marvin Lewis’ continued employment to me. 10 points against the KC defense? That’s some Jeff Fisher/Mike McCoy shit.

blaxabbath

I could have filled this week’s Quotables with nothing but that SNF game. CIN was absolutely embarrassed out there.

walkingthedog
walkingthedog

Truth biscuit should be Biscuit de la verdad or Galleta/Bollo de la Verdad (if we’re going all in)… He was fun to watch, like Big Ben with a worse team around him at that age.

ballsofsteelandfury

I vote for Bollo!

blaxabbath

Bollo is the gunslinging bad boy who works hard and plays even harder.

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Game Time Decision

Is it just me or does this not look like a cologne ad?

Bollo For Him

ballsofsteelandfury

Must be musk.

Don T

I second the sentiment

Don T

😂😂 “Bollo” is also slang for vagina 🤣🤣

ballsofsteelandfury

And, thanks to the AFC North’s ineptitude (0-3 this weekend), the idle Steelers, Hippo’s Most Hated team, are in first place.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You can’t see it, but I’m flipping you off right now.

ballsofsteelandfury

Hehehehe… oh, I can see it all the way from here, in the dark. 🤣😂

theeWeeBabySeamus

Justin Tucker needs a good smack. Not a full beatdown…. yet. He’s not in Buck Showalter/Ubaldo Jimenez territory, of course. But at least a good smack.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think that’s a bit of an overreaction, don’t you think? I mean, he’s one of the most consistent kickers in the league. One bad day shouldn’t change that.

– Mason Crosby

theeWeeBabySeamus

If I gave a shit about the Packers, I’d smack him too.

ballsofsteelandfury

“Can you smack us in the butt, tWBS? Gently, but firmly please. ”
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theeWeeBabySeamus

“Maybe a few times, but only after you take that shit off. And take a shower. Because you really do smell like cheese that’s been out in the sun too long”

– tWBS

blaxabbath

“tWBS isn’t here but come on in anyways.”

-Joe Mixon