Overture / It’s a Boy / 1921

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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INT. BUFFALO WILD WINGS – DAY

A grey-haired, thickset older man dressed in a very expensive suit walks to the hostess station at the front of the Buffalo Wild Wings in Mountain View, California.  He smiles absently as the hostess engages in her script about shared seating, and once she has finished points to one of the elevated bar tables, where a single man is already seated.  He discreetly extends a fifty-dollar bill towards the hostess.

DAVE GETTLEMAN: I’d like to sit there, please.

The hostess blinks a couple of times, smiles, and pockets the money.  She grabs a single menu, leads him into the restaurant. As they pass an electronic jukebox, GETTLEMAN taps her on the arm so she pauses, then punches a series of requests into the machine.  He swipes a platinum American Express card through the reader, and the music begins to play.

The waitress leads GETTLEMAN to the table he has requested, and gestures to it.  The man already seated there looks up.

JEREMY LAWRENCE: Hey there, friend, have yourself a seat.

GETTLEMAN: Thank you.

GETTLEMAN glances at the beer list, then somewhat distastefully at the half-full glass in front of LAWRENCE, and taps the menu to indicate his choice to the hostess, who has wisely chosen to linger. 

LAWRENCE: A Coors man, eh?

GETTLEMAN: When necessary.

LAWRENCE: [listening] Is that…classical music?

GETTLEMAN: It’s classic rock.

LAWRENCE: But all them there trumpets…

GETTLEMAN: [blinks at him, perhaps re-evaluating a strategy] It’s a British rock band, called The Who.

LAWRENCE: The What?

GETTLEMAN: The Who. 

LAWRENCE: [shakes his head] I’ll take some Rascall Flats, thank you very much.  Don’t much care for that foreign stuff.  I guess England’s okay, though.  Y’know, I don’t blame ’em one bit for not wanting to stay in a union with the Frogs and the Krauts.  Unions are what’s killin’ America, it’s no surprise that…

GETTLEMAN: [interrupting] You sound like you might be a bit of stranger in this land yourself.  You’re not from here, I take it?

LAWRENCE: Good Lord, naw, I’m from the South. Y’know, this California place isn’t too bad, though.  Not nearly as bad as they make it sound on Fox News.

GETTLEMAN: I prefer New York, myself.  A much better media market for those who happen to be interested in lucrative…endorsement opportunities.

LAWRENCE: [looks at him more closely] Wait…aren’t you…

GETTLEMAN: Oh, I’m sure I’m probably not who you think.  I’m just some random fellow in a bar that you started chatting with.

LAWRENCE: Yeah, but…

GETTLEMAN: I certainly wouldn’t say that I recognized you.  To me, you look like any other football fan who came to town to attend the National Championship.

LAWRENCE: [brightens] Well, yeah.  My son is…

GETTLEMAN: [interrupting again, more forcefully] Not to be rude – I’m sure you have a wonderful child – but I’m here to talk about football, not family.

LAWRENCE: Football is family.

A pleasant-looking woman slides in next to JEREMY LAWRENCE.

AMANDA LAWRENCE: [brightly] Hi honey.  Who’s this?

LAWRENCE: Just some feller…

GETTLEMAN: That’s right, just some fellow.  A football fan.

AMANDA: Oh, how nice!  We’re football fans too!  Say…you look like you’d be a fan of the…[gently taps her left temple]…let me guess…New York Giants!

GETTLEMAN: [smiles with relief] That’s right, ma’am, I am.  A very big fan.

AMANDA: I’m sure you have lots of very strong opinions about the direction the team will be taking in the next few years.

GETTLEMAN: I do, I do.

AMANDA: Well, I’d love to hear all about them.  Honey, would you mind stepping outside and checking if we’ve still got time on the parking meter.  I sure would hate to get a ticket.

LAWRENCE: I put in enough money for three hours.

AMANDA: Just…be a dear and check for me.  I know, I know, I worry too much.

LAWRENCE: Anything for you, my sweet potato pie.

AMANDA LAWRENCE kisses JEREMY LAWRENCE sweetly on the cheek as he moves away from the table, then takes over his stool directly next to GETTLEMAN.

AMANDA: So.

GETTLEMAN: [smiles thinly]

AMANDA: It doesn’t look like the Giants are going to be a very good team in the next couple of years.

GETTLEMAN: No, they are in dire need of a rebuild from the ground up, and this year’s class isn’t particularly rich in the kinds of assets that it would take to do so.  I’d imagine management is going to be rolling over this year’s draft capital into more picks for 2020.

AMANDA: And no matter how foundational those picks turn out to be, those Giants are not going to win many games with offensive linemen and cornerbacks.

GETTLEMAN: No, not in 2020.  It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if they ended up with the very first pick in 2021.

AMANDA: Huh.  I understand some of the standout underclassmen quarterbacks would be available around that time.

GETTLEMAN: Indeed.  Provided they stay healthy.  It’s hard to imagine some of them having any higher draft stock than they already do.  Nowhere to go but down.

AMANDA: That’s true.  But I worry that teams get sour on players that get off to a fast start, and then coast until the draft.  Say nasty things to collapse the prospects’ draft stock and then save money by picking them up further down.  A lot of people were very eager to drag Nick Bosa’s name through the mud.

GETTLEMAN: And yet he’s still projected to be taken number one.  As a very avid fan of the Giants, I can assure you that talk of that kind is simply theater.

AMANDA: Theater, you say?

GETTLEMAN: Theater.  It’s all a lot of song and dance.

The music stops, and there is a brief pause before the next song starts.

AMANDA: Speaking of song and dance…I sure do enjoy this one.

GETTLEMAN:
Got a feeling ’21
Is going to be a good year
Especially if Trevor and me
See it in together

AMANDA:
So you think ’21
Is going to be a good year?
It could be good for you and T.
But small market teams, no never!
I had no reason to be over optimistic
But somehow when you smiled
I could brave bad weather

——— [DOOR FLIES OPEN] ———

ELI MANNING smiles as he recognizes his team’s general manager and comes over to say hello, then pauses, beginning to frown as he notices the “Clemson” lanyard around AMANDA’s neck.

AMANDA:
What about the boy?
What about the boy?
What about the boy?
He saw it all!

Gettleman gets up from his stool and grabs Eli by the lapels. 

GETTLEMAN:
You didn’t hear it
You didn’t see it
You won’t say nothing to no-one
Never in your life
You never heard it
Oh, how absurd it all seems
Without any proof
You didn’t hear it
You didn’t see it
You never heard it, not a word of it
You won’t say nothing to no-one
Never tell a soul
What you know is the Truth

Author’s Note: I feel compelled to warn you in advance, I have absolutely no idea where this is going, if anywhere.

 

 

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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UnsurprisedMoose -The End Is Well NighscotchnautSenor Weaselonomonkeyfun Recent comment authors
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scotchnaut

“IT’S A BOY!”

-Jerry Sandusky, answering the question, “What would you like for Christmas next year?”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

THANKS OBAMA!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

libtard kids.

nomonkeyfun

P*ts will win the excellent Owl next season. Tom Brady will mysteriously come down with a horrible disease for one year, all of the other quality players will have nagging hamstring injuries. NE get 1st overall pick, Trevor Lawrence gets a new step dad.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That’s the last time I play as the North Tower.

Game Time Decision

More like Adam’s apple

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

A True Bro
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m a real law-talking boy today! I got paid, filed my first suit with a stipulated judgment. Once the judge signs off, it’s done. And it’s only taken me most of my life to get here.

Maybe next I can tackle women.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Maybe next I can tackle women

There’s your second suit all set to go.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Indeed!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Unlike some GLOOOORRRREEEEEEEEEE BOOOYYYYYYSSSSSS, I actually have a functional tackling form.
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SonOfSpam

Way to go, esquire!

Wanna hear a good lawyer joke? j/k there are no good lawyers

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Eli is going to be in so much trouble when Olivia gets home and sees the tantrum he threw in his room.
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Game Time Decision

There’s no way Eli is allowed to have anything electric in his room.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Not after the vacuum incident

SonOfSpam

Brilliant. Don’t care where it’s going. Love everything about Mrs. Lawrence.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

He’s a Fortnite Wizard
There has to be a twist

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

I have absolutely no idea where this is going, if anywhere.

But enough about the Giants offense.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Maestro

Oh my god, this is brilliant.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think I banged Amanda once…… it was years ago, probably just someone who looked like her.

Downfield Matriculator
Downfield Matriculator

So then Lawrence Taylor is Uncle Ernie . . . but for girls?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

A blind Eli gets an XBOX ONE for Christmas?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I want one.