Your Saturday Morning Lesser Footy Thread. Now with Obituaries!

Good morning,

It’s Soccer Saturday and Matchday 38 of 38 in the EPL, meaning we will have a Champion today.

Hippo hands Wakezilla a note. Wakezilla reads the note

All the EPL games are on Sunday and not today? Well that’s some bullshit. Way to let the Americans win, England.

Seeing how the season has come to an end, our contributors have decided to write an obituary for their respective team for this season. Let the therapy begin.

Team: Manchester United

Position: 6th with a slight possibility of 5th but lets face it, they aren’t winning Sunday.

Wakezilla line that sums up the season: United was playing checkers while Liverpool and City were playing chess/ Fuck me.

Initial Thoughts: The first half of the season looked like United was on a wild roller coaster ride that would end up with them safely qualifying for Champions league.  This was large in part due to Jose Mourinho and his “play not to lose” bullshit system getting shit canned and getting replaced by Ole Gunnar. Then the second half of the season happened and fans felt like they were victims of baby shaking syndrome.

Manager:  Ole injected life into a club that seemed destined for 10th place or worse and took United streaking. As a result, United`s powers that be appointed a guy with 0 experience at the top level after a 20 game sample size. To the surprise of no one, as soon as Ole gained experience, teams made adjustments. What`s terrifying for United fans is that Ole has yet to overcome these adjustments and as a result, United is getting out coached and losing. They have won 2 of their last 8 matches and have tied some of the bottom feeders of the league, as well as gotten slapped around by middle of the pact clubs.

Verdict: I like the guy and I know it’s incredibly harsh to judge before his first full season—as well as the summer transfer window– but I’m starting to think Ole should just step down in the summer. He seems in over his head and should cut his teeth managing in a smaller league. If he does hang around, he needs to take a page out of Klop and Pep’s page during their first transfer window and get some defense.

Goaltending: Up until Early January, if De Gea wanted a million a week, United fans would have been totally cool with it. Then February came and De Gea suddenly forgot how to play goalie. He cost United quite a few games down the stretch because he got caught cheating/distracted, resulting in him letting in some softies.

De Gea praying for a revamped defense

I can relate to De Gea. I was an Ice footy goalie and there were some years I was on some bad teams where I knew we were pretty much screwed if I let one in. As a result, I would try and do everything—meaning, I would try and square up to the shot while also trying to block the clear pass to the other player because I knew my defense weren’t going to pick up the open man—which would at times result in me giving up a softy, like De Gea.

Verdict: I love De Gea and 51% of me hopes he stays, where the 49% of me hopes that PSG pulls up a brinks truck to Old Trafford and United can use some of that money to get a formidable replacement and spend the rest on getting some help on defense. Either way, De Gea deserves a better team in-front of him.

Defense: They’re shit.

This “formation” was sadly seen a lot this season by United fans.

What a dumpster fire

Inexplicably, Luke Shaw was somehow named United`s best player this year. Just look at this . Fuck me. (he`s #23).

Offense:

Higuain joined Chelski in January and scored more Premier League goals than Alexis Sanchez United. Send Sanchez’s ass to any club in the world, free of charge. Just get him the fuck away from this club.

Anthony Martial

Martial did lots of scoring off the field, too. Pictured: Not Martial’s Pregnant girlfriend

After getting caught banging an instagram model that wasn’t his pregnant girlfriend, Anthony Startial sort of dropped off. While his lack of assists are a little concerning, this season, his average has increased to 0.61 goals per 90 minutes. Of players who have played over 1000 Premier League minutes this season, only Sergio Aguero and Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang can better this average in the Premier League. What is even more impressive is the fact that Martial’s xG total for the season is just 6.59. This indicates he should have scored closer to six goals rather than ten given the quality of chances presented to him. After having his confidence ruined by Mourinho, Martial looks to be recovering, which is good. Hopefully this means he’ll be taking the next step next year.

Jesse Lingard has not scored a goal or assisted for United in 2019. Fuck me. Despite that, he was named United’s top young player of 2019. “Fun Fact”: EPL analystRoy Keane criticized Paul Pogba for not being that senior player role model for Jesse Lingard to look up to. Gary Neville agreed. LINGARD IS OLDER THAN POGBA.

Marcus Rashford will likely be a great player one day. While he showed glimpses of what might be something special, down the stretch—and possibly due to injury—Rashford looked like he couldn’t cut it in League 2, let alone the EPL. Pogba was starting to look like he was going to murder Rash with some of those horrendous attempts on net after a beautiful pass by Pogba.

Big Rom has been an enigma for United. Even when he’s scoring, he has had more bad touches than Bill Cosby and doesn’t do much without the ball. I think he’s too slow and would be better off playing in Serie A, which is where he expressed he wanted to go lately. Here’s hoping a team like Inter or AC over pay for Big Rom so United can use that money to buy some defense.

Verdict:

Big Rom doesn’t score here. . .
Or here . Fuck me.

Paul Pogba:

Pogba is a central midfielder and has 13 goals and 9 assists, which is fantastic. Seriously, compare his numbers to Modric, De Bruyne, Kroos, Thaigo or any other central midfielder just to see how impressive those stats are for a CM.  His numbers are even more impressive because more often than not over the past 10 games, Pogba has been designated to play CDM due to United’s midfield being overrun lately. This is because outside of Pogba, the midfield has been the drizzling shits. Yet, people still expect him to score more, all the while shutting down the other team. Therein lies the problem with United. Their fans and homer analysts like Keane and Neville are treating lesser footy in the EPL as the same game as it was during the Fergie era. That is no longer the case. The game is faster and more specialized. The complete midfielder no longer exists because the game is too fast.  Pogba can be a complete midfielder, just he cannot do it all at once.  No one can.

Furthermore, some fans and pundits like to point out Pogba isn’t as great for United as he is for France. No shit. Threading balls are easier to complete when Mbappe and Greizmann are receiving the passes, not Lukaku and Alexis. Playing stellar defense is a lot easier when you have Matudi and Kante supporting you, not Matic and Herrera. In all honesty, outside of Pogba, is there anyone on United that’s even good enough to play on a better team? At this moment, no and that’s the problem with the club.

The kicker in all of this is that many fans and pundits want Pogba out of Manchester, despite the fact he was the only player outside of City and Liverpool players to make the PFA team of the year. Factor in he didn’t win United’s player of the year or youngster of the year (which went to a guy older than him who hasn’t put up and goals or assists in over 5 months), and it seems obvious United foolishly wants Pogba gone.

Verdict: I know it’s an inevitability that Pogba will leave. However, United need to hold onto him for at least another year because Pogba leaving the club this summer would be confirmation that United is a place where talent goes to die and that they truly are no longer an elite European Lesser Footy club. Good luck rebuilding and recruiting top players with that perception.

Final thoughts: Blood rival Liverfailure could win the Champions league title while Derby Rival Man Shitty could win the EPL.

United aren’t skilled or fast enough to win a title the way the EPL game is played. There’s less broken plays and more periods of possession. If you watch City or Liverpool, they beat you with speed offensively and defensively. On defense, they present you with three options and they’re all bad. Two of those options involve a player being covered, and the other option is a player that is open, but ripe for a quick turnover and a terrifying counter attack. The fourth option is to just kick the ball down field, but then you just gave a superior team the ball.

On offense, both teams use their speed to always have a supporting player near the guy with the ball, which creates a lose/lose scenario for the defender. The defender can challenge the player with the ball, but one successful pass and that defender looks stupid and it’s 1-0. The defender can give space between he and the player with the ball, and then the player with the ball goes around the defender and scores. That’s why it’s more complicated than just running two yards to challenge a player. This is a franchise who should be challenging for titles, not hoping for a Champions league spot. Until they adapt their game to the modern style, there’s going to be some painful years ahead.

TL/DR version:

Balls comments:

So,  as you all know,  I don’t have an EPL side,  but rather root for Barça.  It is therefore appropriate for me to write their obituary for the season as it is truly over.

Yes,  they won La Liga and yes they still have a chance to win the Copa Del Rey, but this was,  for the second year in a row,  a disaster of an ending.

Like last year,  Barcelona crashed out of the Champions League after building a hefty first leg victory.  The signs that history would be repeated were there when Dembele blew a golden chance to make it 4-0 in Barcelona and Messi went to the ground in disbelief as the referee blew the whistle to end the game.

I think he knew.

Notwithstanding Messi and Luis Suarez,  Barça has lacked scoring all year.  And Luis Suarez will soon have surgery on his leg and is out for the rest of the season. I personally like Coutinho,  but he honestly hasn’t delivered and will soon be sold.

So,  I guess it’s a dick move to say that a season in which the team may very well win the domestic double is a disaster,  but it is.

Let me put it to you this way: If you can have a foursome with Charlie’s Angels (70s version, 80s version,  or 00s, your preference) and you end up having only a threesome with the least attractive two, because you fucked up and called the hottest one fat, wouldn’t you be disappointed?

King Hippo (Everton):

Well, another season, another 8th position and empty trophy case. That’s the surface version, but using some nuance – you can see signs of immense optimism leading into 2019-20.

Since Man City got a late 2nd (in a 2-nil win) on 6 February, no opponent scored at Goodison the remainder of the season. A run that included a draw over the hated Redshite (which is 95% likely to be the difference in the title race), and wins over Chelsea, Arsenal, and United. Each more dominant than the last. It’s Top 4 form, really. Oh, and it wasn’t a “home form only” thing, with the Toffees on a run of 8 clean sheets in 10, headed into the finale at Spurs. Hoping for Pochettino to rest everyone on Sunday, to make it 9 in 11.

And yes, that is in large thanks to the backline additions of Lucas Digne (as good as any LB in the League, go ahead and fight me) and Big Kurt Zouma. Man, that guy is a fucking rock in central defense. Also, DM Idrissa Gana Gueye continues to serve as our “Poor Man’s Kante” – a proper professional who didn’t kick up a fuss when we refused to send him to PSG (his dream move) in the January window.

Hippo ballot for end of season awards follows.

Player of the Season:

1) Digne
2) Zouma
3) Gana

Goal of the Season: Digne v. Man United, as seen here:

Young Player of the Season: Dominic Calvert-Lewin

Litre_Cola (Fulham): What the fuck was that? This season showed so much promise after being promoted from the Championship by making John Terry cry. Mighty Whitey did all the right things in the offseason. They threw money at their inadequacies and were supposed to back to battling for 7th like ten years ago. I believed in our Serb manager with his brand of Serbian Sex football and having his fellow countryman as our centre forward was promising. Problem is that Serb sex football leaves large gaps at the back (ahem) and sweet Jesus did they take a fucking in the beginning of the season. Serbian Sex Footy does not work in the prem because these boys can kill you with one mistake, and the back four of Fulham made a lot of mistakes.

Sexy Serb got fired and the Khan’s brought in Claudio Rainieri. The Cottage faithful believed (myself included) that he could save us from the drop. His reputation and nickname of the Tinkerer was just that. He couldn’t settle on a lineup, benched our prodigy Ryan Sessignon, and was a complete disaster show. After the Khan’s fired him they gave former player Scott Parker the caretaker job and he instilled some defensive instinct (gasp!). The last few weeks they look like they could have stayed up playing this brand of football (Beat Everton 2-0). Sadly a lot of the players who I think could help for promotion will be leaving in the offseason. I do not see the Khan’s spending out now that they got a parachute payment due to the drop. Seri, Mitrovic, Sessignon, Babel (who was superb) will all move on and we will be stuck in the Championship for the foreseeable future. Our young captain re-signed for 4 years which was a shock so that is a sign that all is not lost.

Player of the season: Calum Chambers, if Arsenal don’t want him, we will take him back any time.

We will sell Sess to Tottenham, Mitro to West Ham, Seri to some Italian team as his game is more suited to their game, Babel needs another shot for the Euros, the two french guys will go home and we will be fighting hard against Luton Town. Fuck me.

They are developing the riverside stand of Craven Cottage which will be cool because currently you walk along the river and get to the Cottage but have to go all the way around the stadium to continue down the river. They can’t do much else to the old girl as she is a listed property (1896) and it has to be preserved.

It was a year to be forgotten, guess I will be paying for an international membership next year so I can catch some hot Bristol City action. Fuck.

To the games!

Sadly, the only games that matter today are in Germany, as the champions in Serie A and La Liga have already been determined.

Bayern vs RB Leipzig and Dortmund vs Dusseldorf are the two matches worth watching today.

A lot has changed over in the Bundesliga. Earlier this year, Bayern looked like they might finish a distant third behind RB leipzig and Dortmund.  Now, Bayern can win the Bundesliga with a win or Dortmund loss.

Maybe the current Bayern players picked up the slack once Bayern became associated in signing all the top, young players rumoured to be sold during the next transfer window.

Predictions:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and

 

Enjoy the games!

 

 

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ballsofsteelandfuryyeah rightBrick MeathookArmedandHammeredMr. Ayo Recent comment authors
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

yeah right

I got some extra stretching in before the walk and felt good. It is 70 degrees and sunny and crystal clear out. About a mile or so in I realized I feel REALLY good so I pushed the pace up and started moving. The engine was running top notch so I really started to open things up.

I did 7 1/4 miles in an hour and 40 minutes absolutely pain free. Not even a twinge.

I haven’t felt that in years.

I’m really gonna pound some beers when I get home from the store.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

So, I am at my parents, helping my dad who has dementia and can no longer walk or talk. However, he does yell and scream in a mumbled and completely unintelligible way occasionally. During his latest outburst their dog started howling along with him. Dad stopped his outburst, looked at the dog and clearly yelled “Shut up”. Hearing him finally say something clearly and also using a very often used phrase actually made me feel better.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

I meant to say helping my mom care for my dad.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Oh man, that’s rough.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

It isn’t easy, I don’t think he is long for this world, he is not eating or drinking, but knowing him he would prefer to no longer suffer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don T

I’m on my way to a wake, but had to stop here to pay my respects to Real Madrid:
BAHAHAHA🤣🤣🤣HAHAHA
This season, the fútbol world was trippin’ on Real giving its fans so, much, misery.
See, it’s always about Real fucking Madrid. Real announced having poached the coach of the Selección Nacional TWO DAYS before Spain debuted at the World Cup. The opportunist, Julen Lopetegui, was sacked by Spain the same day, and Real fired his ass a coupla months later because J-Lops didn’t hack it. It was the perfect storm for comeuppance and, boy: it was sweee ee eet-ah.
Real does what it wants. They deemed Ronaldo dispensable, and CR7 was equally anxious to continue paying the Spanish Treasury after pleading guilty to tax evasion. Real and Ron are out of this season’s Champions League final; what a delightful baby-and-bathwater scenario.
Fans grinned when Real’s front-running fans thinned out early. The runway was clear for the merengue die hards, who elevated their hopes like so many 737s.
When the season was lost, Real hired Zidane to coach again. Under him, Real lost to destitute neighbors Rayo Vallecano. No one bets on Rayo: smarter money has been put on the Washington Generals.
Real Madrid, from the bottom of m: congratulations on your trophyless season. Seeing your fans celebrating madly Liverpool’s destruction of Barcelona was delicious. Wonderful memes, sure. But even better: the only thing RM fans have been rooting for since February was Barça’s misfortune. Well, Real fucking Madrid, WELCOME TO THE MIDDLE. Do enjoy your stay.
Cabrones.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“Here, you drive.”

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s beautiful.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Scooter on scooter violence.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Watford obit: I went there on our Eurotrip (PG at best version) last summer and it was very pleasant, so they are now my EPL team. They finished right in the middle. Again, very pleasant. That is all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve got the InstanPot fired up. Vegetable Beef soup.
House smells good.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Change of plans. Mom just threatened to kill me if I dice up her beef roast.
Bitch be illing.

On the way to store to get some pork.

Phrasing.

SonOfSpam

Enjoy getting porked at the store!

SonOfSpam

I am also porking for dinner (carnitas street tacos, made in the kitchen instead of the street)

yeah right

I plan on having a very LA weekend.
Walk and massage today.
Walk and weed store tomorrow.

While cooking both days.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No ball waxing?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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...

Me: Hey, Evelyn. 🙂 Oh so you like forecasts? Well did you know there’s a 100% chance of my hor–

*is torn apart by jackals*

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

I’m not ruling anything out.

King Hippo

rain delay in #BFIB-land. SIGH. Time for a neck pill and marination in dark thoughts.

...

A very St. Louis weekend.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am less goddamned hungover right now.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I’m quite disappointed in mine.

So I started drinking at 9am today.

litre_cola

That is just good hustle.

scotchnaut

I try to hold out until 11 or so in order to get errands/chores done.

yeah right

Might stretch the walk to a full 10K today.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Next Sunday, do you want to do a 8 or so mile walk?

scotchnaut

Excellent! My knee is fuckerated so I’ve been out of commission since Wednesday. (went for a 35 minute hike with son today)

King Hippo

hey, it was in 5p….in Minsk, maybe?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Da, comrade.

blaxabbath

Jeez I am exhausted. And I got blaxito all day.

I hope he naps til bedtime.

litre_cola

Same boat my friend. I have taken him grocery shopping, to the park and now he naps. Next will be a different park!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Leftover brisket and ribs for lunch. Life is good, as long as you’re not one of my arteries.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m going to make steak sandwiches. Ooh, maybe I’ll see about making some garlic aoli for them.

yeah right

I don’t think I’ve ever heard the expression “Leftover” brisket or ribs before.

A. Reid.

King Hippo

Championship playoffs start today (ESPN+), I has a first half bet on Leeds.

King Hippo

am mostly betting against douchebag Frank Lampard

theeWeeBabySeamus

King Hippo

I keep getting fundraising e-mails for her new line of PRIDE gear. Why does Kamala Harris think I’m gay?

/not that there’s anything wrong with that

BrettFavresColonoscopy

DFO LA denizens: if one were to go to Dodger Stadium this weekend, would wearing Nats apparel be a stabbable offense?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Probably depends on the quality of your seats.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Stay out of the bleachers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Haven’t bought any tickets yet. So shitty seats = wear LA camo?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s probably what I’d do, yeah.

ballsofsteelandfury

I concur with this opinion.

King Hippo

how much Natitude shall you demonstrate?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Very little

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I actually have a Nationals hat and every time I wear it I worry that people will think it’s a MAGA hat.

yeah right

Yes. Always. Even if you have crappy seats you run risk going to the rest room, getting a beer or leaving the game. Dodger Stadium is a demilitarized zone.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Alex Trebek ain’t gonna be around much longer.
Do you think they’d hire me to host Jeopardy?

theeWeeBabySeamus

My mom just received her Mother’s Day Flowers.
So now I’ve got a pass to be an ass for the rest of the weekend..

theeWeeBabySeamus

The funny part is when the girl formerly known at tWLS’ mom gets her’s later today or tomorrow.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh come on, who downvoted this? She’s a wonderful woman and I ordered the flowers for her weeks ago before things went to shit. Why would you downvote this? It was a loving gesture from me to her.

Balls. Yeah I know it was you.

Horatio Cornblower

Upvoted just to get you back to zero.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Being at zero is my comfort zone.

ballsofsteelandfury

We had Mexican Mother’s Day yesterday. I’m done for the weekend…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Mexican Mother’s Day? I’m afraid to ask.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s always on May 10. None of this first or second Sunday in May shit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Does she get to throw burritos at you?

ballsofsteelandfury

No, we stuff them into the piñata.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am so goddamned hungover right now.

King Hippo

welcome to the old!

/it don’t get no better

theeWeeBabySeamus

You are more correct than you know.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Who upvoted my hangover? Don’t you know that you’re just encouraging it?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Raises hand sheepishly.

King Hippo

Salford City (home of Peter Hook, whose booky-book I am reading) up 2-nil, at least.

King Hippo

Kill Mother Fucking Depeche Mode keep blowing their lead. NO SMIRE.

King Hippo

I have settled on a routine that has greatly enhanced my #RecluseLyfe – I keep one active book by my recliner and bed, and another one for the terlet.

scotchnaut

Reading Paradox Bound as my regular book and Istanbul is me toilet/bathtub book.

Spirit Animal

King Hippo

only thing I miss about my old (way too big to deal with) house was my giant master bathroom with giant separate tub. You could house like 4 Soviet families just in that bathroom and 2 walk-in closets.

King Hippo

There’s an ad board in Leipzig praising “GERMAN VALUES”

ummmmmm

litre_cola

Dortmund gets one. If teh red bulls get one this would be fantastic.

King Hippo

Dusseldorf misses a penno, keeping some drama alive.

Each of Top Two has a fairly tricky matchup next week. Though if Bayern end up just needing a home draw…

King Hippo

I have moneys on KFUM Oslo, because the name reminds me of KMFDM. Yeah, Mister White! SCIENCE!!

Horatio Cornblower

I know it’s for the greater good
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but good Christ Arsenal, would it have killed you to at least show up?

Horatio Cornblower

OK, so apparently NBSN was rerrunning Arsenal’s 3-1 thumping at the hands of Man City and I just assumed it was live. My bad.
/Arsenal proceeds to lose 3-1 to goddamn Burnley

King Hippo

Hippo was confused, though I imagine the Ghost of Strokey Kubes is coming for us all

King Hippo

There is also plenty of GAMBLOR to HAIL, thank fuck.

/still slept waaaaayyyyy in