Mouth Flies Open: DFO Mailbag Número Doce

The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. While the NFL season is over until THE SHIELD cranks up the bullshit generator in a few months, we can still talk fantasy football questions as well as fantasy and reality outside of football.  If you have questions and/or need advice, email dfosubmissions@gmail.com. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

Howdy, crew. I’ve been disappearing like Patrick Ewing during the playoffs, but I’m still here for your advice requests and to generally bitch about what’s on my mind. But no preamble today, since I’m later than a period that would mean Alabama gets to strip women of their body autonomy, let’s go right to the first email that came into dfosubmissions@gmail.com since I last wrote

Hey there

I actually view your blog repeatedly and read all your posts which are very interesting.

One of our website is all about Gemstones, Jades and Other Crystal stones for Sexual Life. We constantly work a lot to make it more informative to our visitors. These types of info will be helpful for those who look for the same info. Actually both of our very own sites are in very same niche.

We recently provide a FREE detailed infographics about “Improve Sensual And Physical Joy By Yoni Eggs”. If you are interested I am happy to share it to you to look over.

Kindly let us know your interest about this email.

I will be waiting for your response.

Best, Veronica

I mean, I thought Gwyneth Paltrow was pretty worthless in Avengers: Endgame, but to use a euphemism to write to DFO about vagina eggs?  For shame.  Plus, we all know she only comes to DFO for Infinite Nets. If anyone wants detailed infographics on improving sensual and physical joy…buy the kama sutra.

Pretty sure this comment from Fronkenshteen in that last mailbag may have been more of a rhetorical question, but I’m going to answer it anyway–

DEAR DFO. I THINK HEUNG MIN SON IS THE BEES FUCKING KNEES. BUT NOW I WANT KOREAN BBQ. AM I A CANNIBAL?

SIGNED, AMERICA

Is this the first soccer question in my reboot of the Mailbag? I think it is. Thanks for making me Google that, Fronk. Now that I know we’re talking about a soccer player, two thoughts.  First, don’t worry too much about the free association between Heung Min Son and delicious delicious barbecue.

True story, I once interviewed a job applicant almost entirely because one of his “interests” on his resume was Korean bbq. I had to know if he meant cooking it, blogging about it, studying its history. Turned out he was just a bit of a fatty.

Secondly, on the subject of cannibalism, JUST had a series of conversations on this topic. Lady BFC and I were at a wedding and someone (shockingly not me) posed the question to a large group of barely-not-strangers, which part of your SO would you eat first to survive. I had a bunch of detailed follow up questions on if we were eating bare minimum to survive while keeping the other alive or if they’ve already died and we’re on our own and all sorts of other randomness.  Lady BFC responded without missing a beat–“your haunch.” I think I had a point here, but not gonna lie, I’m a lot of beers in, so I guess what I’m saying is it’s ok to have thought experiments about cannibalism, but knock that shit off before you start taste testing your friends and favorite athletes.

Let’s check in with Ask Amy on a letter Hippo understands better than anyone else here–

Dear Amy: My wife has been a great wife and companion for 50-plus years, however this last year I believe she has become heavily addicted to computer gambling.

Approximately $50,000 is missing from our checking account.

She is the first to leave the living room at 8 p.m. when her favorite evening game show ends. She then heads for the computer room (before anyone else has a chance), where she plays “free cell” nonstop until 11 p.m. or midnight.

When I am up at two or three in the morning I sometimes peek, and there she is in front of a computer screen of cards.

She claims she is not gambling our money, but I am suspicious.

Further, she is often playing free cell at 6 or 7 a.m., as soon as she arises.

I have cut the computer cord once and considered doing it again last night, but that action also means that I have no access to email.

Is there cause for concern in this scenario?

— Wondering

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

CHUH-CHUH, poker ain’t a problem if you have a system.  $50k is tip money, but lyin’ ain’t right. Nobody’s playin’ minesweeper or free cell or whatever, but maybe she’s just butterin’ her muffin. You gotta let her know you’re there for her, and if she’s out of control, you gotta lock down those assets like you locked down that ass. Now Pacman’s gotta see his PO about whether or not we can go to Vegas together for some all you can eat shrimp and pussy.”

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Holy shit. If $50,000 was disappearing from a joint account, my first thought would be that my wife has taken out enough money to have me killed. Even failing that, yeah, there’s fucking “cause for concern in this scenario.” What a turn of phrase. “A large sum of money has gone missing and my wife is lying to me, is there cause for concern in this scenario.” “Dear Amy, my wife sold our house and started pimping out our daughter to cover bills I don’t know about, is there cause for concern in this scenario?” “Hey, my dick fell off, is there cause for concern in this scenario?” I think you guys can understand why I find advice columns so fascinating: people are fucking stupid. So yeah, Pacman’s right, you gotta talk, and Amy’s right, you gotta freeze some accounts, and more importantly, lock down the fucking computer and help her beat this addiction. You can let her know you love her and you want to help, but it’s time to stop being oblivious and start getting serious.

Ok, how about back over to Slate’s How to Do It column for another coital question–

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a mother of two lovely and happy kids, both in their early 20s. We’re very close and talk frequently. We started talking about sex early, and positively, and consciously kept an open line so they knew they had support if they needed it. My son had a long-term girlfriend in high school, and I came to realize they were having sex, so I just made sure he had the facts about safety. My daughter is beautiful but very shy, and I essentially knew she was a virgin through college. She’s now living in a big city after graduation and is “blooming,” I guess you could say. I am happy for her, but the problem, to be blunt, is that she won’t shut up to me about it! She tells me fairly graphic details about every man she dates, and even one time about a man she met in a bar and had a one-night stand with.

I’ve registered mild objections to these conversations, but 1) I don’t think she has close girlfriends to talk about this, and 2) I don’t want to make her feel ashamed or like she can’t talk to me. How do I support her, remain positive, but at least set up some boundaries? I’m worried that when she finally brings a man home, I’m going to know about his endowment before I even meet him.

—Kiss and Tell Your Mom

I totally get being close and open and honest with your parents, but I never understood the people who thought it was a good idea to call their mom and describe the veins on the latest dick they’ve had.  Does your mom really want to know? If she does, isn’t that worse?

/DOOR FLIES OPEN


GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, HOW VEINY DOES YOUR MOTHER LIKE IT GRUMBLE GRUMBLE?

/BFC SLAMS DOOR SHUT

Nooooope. Keep that face way the fuck away from any conversation about my mother and/or this column altogether.

As for KTYM, I don’t understand why this is hard. “Honey, I love you, and I’m glad you’re comfortable talking to me about anything.  But I don’t want to hear about the genitals you’re enjoying in your 20s. Keep being safe and confident and awesome, and I’m here if you need me for anything other than the details about what’s happening between your sheets.” If you can’t have that conversation, then your relationship isn’t as open and honest as you think it is.

Alright, let’s close this sucker out with a classic letter that Ask a Manager recently republished, it was new to me and I absolutely had to share it with all of you–

   

    

   

  

   

    

  

Um, what?

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Listen up, people, two quick points. One–there is nothing wrong with someone completely surrendering their will to a more dominant presence, and for everyone to know it. Second and related, I need to decide which of these fingers to use on Peter King and which to use on Dee Smith. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go smack down some more rumors about the tattoo of the shield I may or may not have on my ass.

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

No one knows reasonable like Roger Goodell. And yeah, holy fucking unreasonable. I tried, I really tried, to put myself in this woman’s shoes. And all I could do was picture something like this:

[Interior, office building. Everyone is gathered in an anodyne conference room for the big meeting on Q3 planning. Numbers were good but there are still rumors of layoffs so tensions are high. There are 12 people seated at a long table with another 10-15 backbenching on the periphery of the room.]

Colleague #1: Susan, you had an idea to increase revenue, right? Something about how people are more likely to buy our product if we market it to couples to enjoy together?

Susan: Yes, sir, I have a twelve point plan that I can walk everyone through, but first, we all need to acknowledge that some of our target demographic may be people like me that have given all choice up to a master who both controls our sexual pleasure and every other aspect of their lives.

I mean, can you imagine taking ANYTHING work-related seriously from that colleague thereafter?  That’s almost as ridiculous as the Jets taking their obscenely incompetent offseason and making it worse by running the John Elway front office playbook with Mr. HGH Fruit Salad Peyton Manning.  The lesson as always is that most people are terrible, so enhance your sanity by not humoring idiots like this woman (or the New York Jets), minimize time around them, and cherish your loved ones/favorite beers.

That’s all for this week, thanks for reading, and get those submissions in so that we can make fun of people we know (on the internet) too!

Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email dfosubmissions@gmail.com with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Latest posts by BrettFavresColonoscopy (see all)

BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Dunstan
Dunstan

Slate’s How To Do It may be the worst advice column around. They seem to need ten paragraphs to give the most obvious answers to easy questions, probably because the male co-author seems to turn every question into a digression about how much he loves to suck dick.

I think it was this week’s column where they had a letter from a writer complaining that her husband essentially drops trou and says “you want to suck my dick, don’t you.” She doesn’t appreciate being treated that way, and yet, mysteriously, her technique of proceeding to suck his cock without complaint every time he does it has not succeeded in deterring this behavior. Huh.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Sally?

Gratliff

If $50k was missing from my bank account, I’d reflect on how fucking lucky I must have been to have >$50k in my bank account.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

For what it’s worth, I am a bisexual woman, and our office has a number of gay/lesbian, trans, and poly individuals, so it’s not an issue of being against nontraditional relationships. It just seems to be that it seems very important to Sally that Peter be referred to as “her master,” and it seems equally clear that her coworkers find this intensely uncomfortable.

Man, what a bunch of uptight and intolerant trannies.

yeah right

I’m not entirely sure what a “poly” is and I’m fairly enlightened.

King Hippo

I have been inside Five Guys for awhile (because HVAC being an asshole again), and I am pleasantly surprised that the background muzak is currently Ned’s Atomic Dustbin

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have been inside Five Guys for awhile…

Does any of them know about the other four guys? I hope you’re using protection, at least.

King Hippo

It makes for a great Yoga workout too ,, ppl forget that.

litre_cola

Well done as always BfC.

blaxabbath

comment image

Both funny and one of the most perfectly evergreen comments every recorded at [DFO].

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Did everyone get a Werther’s Original caramel hard candy? Gosh, I sure hope so, because there’s only one left.

I’ll go to the store and buy some more, and then we can all enjoy another delicious candy.

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yeah right

First basic claim in workplace harassment states that if something makes you uncomfortable at work it can be considered harassment.

Our slave up there created a toxic work environment that needs to be addressed immediately. There was no reason to mention your sexual preferences at a company function and this shit is the result.

Even if it’s after hours or at a park or whatever if it was coordinated by work it is a company function.

This is the type of shit that drives me nuts as a manager.

King Hippo

If $50K lady is reading this, Hippo assures you that your system is surely solid, and you just need to stay the course. Who needs retirement income when you can just eat a bullet as needed?

King Hippo

Hippo may or may not have been watching Coinbase all day to see if fake money valuation goes up enough so I can take out $30 to bet before my full $800 and change is free Thursday am.

Fuck you, YOU have a problem.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

All right fuck-a-ducks here’s my advice.

1. Vagina eggs is redundant, find a better business model Veronica.

2. Motherfucker you’re a freak but you got Seoul.

3. 50k on online poker and freecell? I’d rather catch my partner watching Paul Bernardo’s tapes than that shit (because I can call the cops with no difference to my bank account).

4. If I told my mother about my one night stands, she’d say, “Why the fuck are you telling me this? I hope you caught something you idiot.” I’m positive my folks haven’t had sex since nine months before my youngest brother was born, so they’re the last people I tell. What this white girl living in an East coast metropolis (let’s be fucking real we all discerned that from the email) needs is a random forum where you can air all your dirty laundry under a pseudonym based upon a TV show character whose series ended when you were 5 with fellow degenerates.

5. I’m not calling your boyfriend master. I’m not his slave and if that offends you, you’re a lost cause. “So my master threatened to lynch me if I didn’t bring the Arby’s order home on time!” Fuck that noise.

This has been Buddy’s advice. Go forth and fuck off.

Horatio Cornblower

One thing I’d add is that if you’ve been married more than 50 years, and you don’t live in Alabama and weren’t forced to marry your rapist at age 13, you’re probably pretty old. A sudden urge to gamble and lie, or any sort of similar behavior change, could be a sign of a serious mental deterioration on the horizon.

blaxabbath

“No 13 year old should be forced to marry her rapist.

She should already know that it’s the right thing to do.”

– Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Evangelical Christian

blaxabbath

Anyone got a ESPN password? Their homepage is advertising a LIVE broadcast of Afghanistan v Ireland.

Sharkbait

Is it the Insurgency Bowl already?

theeWeeBabySeamus

What’s o/u on number of pipe bombs?

Horatio Cornblower

Tomorrow’s summary of the game starts with “Among the dead were…”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That treatise on stupidity is so brilliant:comment image?quality=75&strip=all&w=620

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am having a hard time imagining a better incarnation of this theory’s definition of a “stupid person” than anti-vaxxers.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
theeWeeBabySeamus

She’s now living in a big city after graduation and is “blooming,” I guess you could say.

Dear KTYM,
Blooming huh?
What city? I’ll go have a “talk” with her.
Sincerely,
Every DFO pervert.

nomonkeyfun

I thought “blooming” was going to be a euphemism for lesbian or trans.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Sincerely,
Caitlyn Jenner

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The whole dom/sub thing seems pretty simple to me – just refer to him as “Peter” and if she’s like “I demand you refer to him as ‘master’,” just say “who the hell are you to demand anything, you stupid useless piece of subhuman trash? I’m telling Peter about this!” and it would probably actually get her so turned on she’d have to duck into the gay/lesbian/trans/poly shared restroom for a few minutes to “cool down”.

ballsofsteelandfury

Someone took 50 Shades of Grey a little too seriously…

LemonJello
LemonJello

HARF HARF WHY ALL LOOKING AT THE BEN?

Sharkbait

1) I’m 99% sure I was at that Knicks-Pacers game 7.

2) 24/7 submissive relationship. That’s…I don’t even know where to go with that one. I mean if it floats her boat, go to town, but I’d just never refer to “Peter” and just let it lie. Make polite conversation and move on.

blaxabbath

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