Monday Night Open Thread: Barstow Edition

Friends, it has come to this.  We are On the Edge of the Desert, the annual Summer sports doldrums where finding non-baseball sports viewing becomes an increasingly desperate search for anything resembling competitive activity.  “I’ll be up to bed soon, honey- I need to see how this last round of Professional Bull Riders’ Bad Boy Mowers Kalamazoo Open ends!”

Let’s check the graphical representations of the Major Sports, shall we?

Ice Football:

Bouncy Hardwood Football:

No, the NBA Awards Show does not count. These are regular season awards, which ended in early April. For perspective, people were still excited for the Final Season of Game of Thrones back then.

Curling:

MLB:

The desert represents the roughly 1200 more regular season games to be played. The tumbleweed represents the possibility of Mickey Callaway’s head literally imploding on camera.

Nor is there any relief to be found from Real Football or its Foreign Cousins. NFL training camps don’t open for several weeks, most of the rosters are fairly set, and police departments won’t be releasing their post-minicamp arrest reports for another week or two.  At this point, the biggest “story” is Gerald McCoy being cheesed off at Tampa for giving Ndamukong Suh his old number before it had a chance to go cold after cutting him.  Seriously Gerald- you got out of Tampa without MRSA, SuperHantaHerpes (as far as we know) or having to split time in Montreal. You won this deal. Calm the fuck down.

The AFL and CFL don’t play until Thursday. Ingrates. We saved your asses during DubbyaDubbyaTwo, ya Commonwealthical bastards.

Tonight’s dearth of sporting material is particularly galling, because no one wants to do shit on a summer Monday night. What am I supposed to do, work out? Go see Shakespeare in the Park? Reflect on the poor choices I’ve made and vow to work on being a better man and husband? Fuck. And. No.

So what do we have? Lesser Football. And not even the better class of Lesser Football- today’s Women’s World Cup games have both wrapped up by the Evening Viewing Period. Pouring one out for America’s Hat- you were beaten by Stina Blackstenius, which I keep misreading as Blackenstein.

No, we have the Gold(ish) Cup and the dregs of the Copa America.

5:30 DFO Time: Bermuda v Nicaragua. Neither team has any points after two games. They’ve been soundly thrashed by Costa Rica and Haiti. Nicaragua was occupied by the US Marines off and on over a 21 year period and Reagan attempted to fund rebels against a freely-elected government by selling arms to Iran after Congress told him he couldn’t do it.  Bermuda has roughly half the population of Naperville, Illinois. So endeth the book report.

6:00 DFO Time: Chile v. Lesser Guay. Both are through to the knockout stage, and Chile is struggling with some injuries. I presume both sides will play relatively conservatively so that the injury bug doesn’t bite anyone. Not that biting is an issue for anyone in this game.

ALSO 6:00 DFO Time: Ecuador v. Japan. THE REAL CENTERPIECE OF THE NIGHT! Not because of the teams playing- they’re both sucking pretty bad just now, and I don’t anticipate any random shining moments of virtuosity from either squad. Japan is trotting out their youngsters and Ecuador…well Ecuador should probably prepare some llapingachos, because cheese-stuffed-fried-potato-pancakes sound like good comfort food. The REAL reason this is the marquee match-up is that a draw will put Paraguay through to the knockout stage! WHO NEEDS WINS TO WIN A TOURNAMENT?!?!? THAT’S WHY THEY ARE #TEAMBETTERGUAY!!!

8:00 DFO Time: Costa Rica and Haiti. Costa Rica is sometimes pretty good! Haiti is not. A few of Deadspin’s writers will still manage to find some basis to bitch about how VAR RUINED ANOTHER GAME despite the fact that there is no VAR in this tournament.

So there we have it.

In the absence of Real Sports, I’ve got nothing. For your conversational prompt, I offer:

  1. Best Album (top to bottom) of All Time?
  2. Best Classic Arcade Game?
  3.  Is the dress a sandwich?

 

 

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Here’s to Fronkenshteen learning to post a YouTube video:

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This is my hometown. I can tell you about everything in the picture as we get near downtown. The outer stuff was only built recently. The closer to the airport the more that is “my place.”

Senor Weaselo

Abbey Road
NBA Jam
No, the hanger is the sandwich filling, not the dress.

yeah right

Great day, folks.

Passed the Executive Business Review with glowing accolades.

They fucking love us.

yeah right

If we’re talking albums Exile on Main Street has a fucking say so.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Yeah that’s a pretty personal question. I read it as “What album can you listen to straight through without skipping a song?”. Most of us will gravitate to something we listened to in our formitive years. Kinda like “What was the best SNL cat of all time?”.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well that answer is obvious….

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Not a uge fan of Jimmy Fallon, but he’s right that this was the “Polar Bear skit” was the best of all time. “So much Volleyball!!”:

theeWeeBabySeamus

I still miss Farley.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

His death wrecked me (baby) like no one else other than Kurt Cobain. Phil Hartman is a close 2nd:

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

1. Smashing Pumpkins – Siamese Dream
2. Elevator Action

ALXMAC
ALXMAC
Don T

1. Soda Stereo – Dynamo
2. Very fast Ms. Pac Man
3.
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Don T

A taste of Dynamo. PLAY IT

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

I dig it; nice

Fronkenshteen

More B.B.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Kill the m. and you’re golden

Fronkenshteen

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ALXMAC
ALXMAC

WCS

I have another entry:

1. Remain In Light — Talking Heads
2. Lethal Enforcers
3. Understand the question; still don’t care

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Before Lethal Enforcers there was….Operation Wolf:

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh man, lethal enforcers was the tits

Fronkenshteen
WCS

You can’t post videos from your phone, unless you want to use youtube’s entire URL. The mobile doesn’t work.

ballsofsteelandfury

Like this:

h
ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qPCT6OKuTg&app=desktop

Except join the h with the ttps.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Delete the “m.” after the “//” before you post the video. Don’t add any text after the posted URL.

Fronkenshteen

https://youtu.be/7qPCT6OKuTg

Can someone with YouTube privileges post this? It’s B.B. King doing “Sweet Sixteen” in Kinshasa at the music festival that was SUPPOSED to precede “The Rumble In The Jungle” until Foreman busted his eye open in training and postponed the fight. It’s god damn amazing.

ballsofsteelandfury

You can do it. You just have to use the complete URL, not the “share” code…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, there can’t be any text after the link, only before it.

Fronkenshteen

Create a fantasy band from the following bands: The Who, Rolling Stones, Beatles, Faces, Eric Clapton (any band including Blind Faith)
Lead Singer
Lead Guitar
Rhythm Guitar
Keyboards
Bass
Drums
Manager

Rod Stewart, Eric Clapton, Keith Richards, Steve Winwood, Paul McCartney, Charlie Watts, Kit Lambert

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck Charlie Watts

Fronkenshteen

Ginger?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Keith Moon or GTFO

Fronkenshteen

I agree he’s fantastic, and probbo best of the lot, but he’s such a perfect fit in a REALLY unique band. I mean, watch Entwistle’s fingers. What the fuck is he doing? Not sure his chaos would translate here.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Lead Vocals: Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin
Lead Guitar: Jimi Hendrix
Rhythm Guitar: Brian Jones
Slide Guitar: Duane Allman
Drums: Ginger Baker
Bass: Paul McCartney
Keyboards: Harry Truman

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Fronkenshteen
Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Highway Toes (link fixed)

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

1) The Eagles – One of These Nights
2) Ms Pac Man
3) Fact 1: The dress is blue. Fact 2: The dress is not a hot dog. Ergo, the dress is not a sandwich.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m in a pretty awesome bar, but listening to the guy across the way tell his buddy that Tanqueray is a really good gin is going to shorten the duration of my stay.

litre_cola

Ten isn’t bad.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It isn’t talk about it at the bar good

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also this guy just started talking about how he hadn’t had the Basil Hayden’s rye but he’d had the Basil Hayden’s rum. Took him longer than it should have to correct himself to bourbon. And now he’s trying to get into the reserve bottles. If I was Fozz I already would be arraigned.

litre_cola

If he is sitting at the bar, the bartender hates him a fuck tonne as well.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yuuuuup

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Serious question: What is a “really good” gin?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Monkey 47 or (much more affordable) Martin Miller’s

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

I ask b/c out of all the choices of liquor, gin would be next to tequila at the bottom of my list.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Cheap gin is terrible. Good gin is good. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

theeWeeBabySeamus

There is no such thing as good gin.
That stuff is horrible and I’d rather drink paint thinner.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

There may be no such thing as good gin in North Cakalaky, but like the university system, that doesn’t mean it’s garbage everywhere.

Fronkenshteen

My wife & kids got me a West Ham United flag for Fathers Day. It’s been flying for two days, but it pissed down rain today and I feel like now it’s truly baptized. There are crossed hammers on it marked “TIW” for Thames Iron Works, but I’m sure some neighbors will now think I’m a white supremacist. It looks fucking great.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This three-disc album (and those are LP discs) has more amazing music than that volume of work normally allows. The Clash at their strongest and finest. Is it the best album? Who’s to say. My mind keeps changing every five minutes on this.

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“The Sound of Sinners”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“The Leader”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“Hitsville U.K.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Best Album (top to bottom) of All Time?: I’m not qualified to answer but split between the White Album and Nirvana Unplugged
Best Classic Arcade Game? The Simpsons
Is the dress a sandwich? Depends on if I want to eat what’s beneath it

Fronkenshteen

I might be crazy, but I feel like the White Album is like UmmaGumma or the 4 KISS solo albums. The Beatles are all there, but aside from half a dozen songs, they all seem to be doing their own thing. Especially McCartney.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I used to listen to the white album on repeat in junior high so I have a special affinity for it. Some of it is out there but it just works. Like you’re listening to Clapton tear it up with them and a song called Everybody Has Something To Hide Except For Me and My Monkey and somehow it’s not insane.

Fronkenshteen

The Feelies do a fanfuckingtastic cover of that tune.
https://youtu.be/k5o1-HxaRFM

WCS

1. The Cars – The Cars
2. NARC and Mortal Kombat II
3. DOES NOT COMPUTE Abort, Retry, Fail?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck Chris Christie

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

We all have our kinks. You do you.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Not with Bea Arthur’s dick

Fronkenshteen

Can the Mueller investigations shut down by barr be re-opened “under new management “ so to speak?Or they ded?

Fronkenshteen

1) George Harrison – All Things Must Pass.
2) Tapper. Only in a pizzeria.
3) I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond.

ballsofsteelandfury

All arcade games should only be in a pizzeria.

Gratliff

As far as I can tell, they are.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Except for the original arcade Pong! It should only be played on the altars of the finest cathedrals and basilicas, where drinking draft beer from plastic cups and smoking cigarettes is also allowed.

Fronkenshteen

There was arcade Pong?!

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes, there was.

Don T

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I like this just for the name “Bipolardo”

Fronkenshteen

Fat bipolar guy.

Redshirt

Everyone: “You’re going that far? That’s a long drive. You’ve never done that before. You sure you can handle it?”
Me: “12 hours? Sure. No problem.”

French Narrator: “Twelve Hours Later”

Receptionist: “You want to get your luggage first?”
Me (half asleep): “It’ll be there tomorrow.”

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve done long drives with friends. I’ve also driven long distances by myself. I think the key is the number of stops and maintaining fresh air in the cabin.

One thing is for sure, though: I can go longer by myself.

Phrasing.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I know das right

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I did a 20 hour drive once where I don’t think I could have done it if I didn’t have a co-pilot (even though he did zero of the driving). But on more reasonable one shot long drives, agreed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

On shorter distance drives, say 3-4 hours, it’s always nice to have company. But when I drove cross country a few years ago, I averaged close to 800 miles a day for four days going out, and coming back too. No way I could have done that if I’d had someone else in the truck with me. I suspect someone would have been dead by day 3. Probably me.

Wakezilla

So, in preparation for my final exam, I watched the movie, Namesake, in hopes it mirrored the book. Now, books are always better than the movies, but, this wasn’t even close. The book and the movie were bordering on Street Fighter the movie and Street Fighter the game in terms of how different they were.

The casting was almost perfect. I mentioned yesterday, the main love interest should have been played by Sunny Leone, as the book pretty much described her. Unfortunately, instead of getting a light skinned, well-endowed Indian Goddess, that men of all races automatically become weak in the knees when they see her, we got a woman with a really big head who. . . well, they they zoomed up on her neck and her clavicle a lot. The actress who played the mom(from when the character was 20-60) should have played the main love interest, as she looked absolutely stunning when she played the protagonist’s mom in her 20s.

Overall, if you ever have to read Namesake for a school assignment, do not watch the film, as they left out way too much stuff.

3 Vishnus out of 5 Kamadevas

Edit: If you like books about identity, or normative determinism, this is a book for you as it was really good.

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ballsofsteelandfury

+2 Sunny Leones

Wakezilla

Hey Litre (and anyone really), how come conservative Albertans are so opposed to growing marijuana fields/smoking weed? From a business side, they’d make a fucking killing and from a religious side, think of the trips those fundies could have! Surely that seems of a more nobler business than draining earth of oil?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Nothing is more noble than taking the oil from the ground that God put there 6000 years ago!

Also, I’m pretty sure the all the vast fields of rapeseed (which make Canola oil) are a far more profitable use of arable land than marijuana, and probably less hassle too.

Wakezilla

Oh, I’m not talking about removing the Rape (Christian fundees love that shit), I’m just talking about land that’s just there, not being use and could be used to grow some fine quality shit.

litre_cola

Welcome to the fucking right wing province my friend. It infuriates me, there is so much stupid shit they do here and give zero fucks. The whole LGBTQ straight alliance thing that these fuckheads are trying to cancel is another prime example of their bible thumping bullshit. The rural ridings all vote for em, the rich oil and gas people still vote for em so they can get richer and racist xenophobes vote for em. The NDP were great for this province and these fuckheads are cancelling shit left right and centRe. Yesterday they cancelled a lab that they had already broken ground on. Since the election I have tried to unplug from provincial politics because I get so angry at these slapdicks.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Yes, but what of the rodeo riders? Are they OK?

litre_cola

They are in Ponoka this weekend and then they are here for the Stampede next week so they will be just fine. We get a whole bunch of glamour shots for the Conservatives, look at me flip a pancake while illegally breaking collective agreements!

ThurberHerder
ThurberHerder

What do they get there, about a foot of rain per year? That would only really support grain, I would think. Though I know nothing of marijuana cultivation.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
[kissing session]

me: oh drats it seems i have gone and spermt my shorts

her: what

me: my shorts. i have spermt them

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

So he pulled an Onan?

litre_cola

1. Disintegration- The Cure (hence why Balls and I were so jacked
2. Street Fighter 2
3. Yes?

Wakezilla

You’re a pizza away from being in paradise

ballsofsteelandfury

HOMBRE POLLO on the pitch!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Gratliff

1. Guns n Roses – Appetite for Destruction. All bangers.
2. Street Fighter 2 is 28 years old, so I’m saying Street Fighter 2.
3. Depends on the color

Gratliff

Also, these babies were so good
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Since there’s no real sports on the teevee, you should watch this movie:

herodotus450
herodotus450

rockingdog
rockingdog

applied physics. cool!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This is really fucking amazing. I never knew this, yet it’s so obvious after you hear it. I read this guy’s book.

theeWeeBabySeamus

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

1. (non-Zeppelin division) Dire Staits, Dire Straits
2. The original wire frame Star Wars
3. Only if edible like the panties.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh! Good call on Star Wars. That game was a ton of fun, and I thought the music during the Death Star explosion was absolutely magnificent.

King Hippo

I have not agreed to “Will you rate your Amazon transaction” even ONCE in like 12 years. Yet, they keep on asking, lik twice a week.

King Hippo

So….Downtown Raleigh now has a “custom soda” store – across from my office. Does this put us in the hipster-verse? Being from Brooklyn, really hope we get a ruling from Ian.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. The Who – Quadrophenia
2. Dragon’s Lair
3. Yes, if it’s been worn by both Veronica Sawyer and Heather Chandler.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So, my mother’s birthday is tomorrow. My redneck aunt and uncle called earlier to ask what time tomorrow would be good to drop by. “Maybe around 4pm” my mom told them.

The tonight they showed up unannounced at 7:15….and made me miss Final Jeopardy!!!!!

Jerks.

WCS

I say you take off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

ballsofsteelandfury

Ecuador ties!

SonOfSpam

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litre_cola

Excellent work as always spam.

King Hippo

el BOOOOOOOO

ballsofsteelandfury

Japan’s goal should have been called offside. Oh well.

The answers are, in reverse order:

3- Hippo’s answer
2- Brick’s answer
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herodotus450
herodotus450

I haven’t seen the Japanese blatantly so far in someone else’s territory since late 1941.
/Didn’t actually see the goal or replay

King Hippo

should the Blue Samauri win, they get Brasil in the quarters. Must-see tevee

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

The best “Classic Argade game” is the first one and is still the greatest video game ever made, by every metric, and it always will be. The original stand-alone arcade Pong (and not some home version that came from fucking Sears) is the greatest game ever.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Agreed

herodotus450
herodotus450

(Check check, 1-2-3, is the mic working?)
Well I don’t know about you fellow kids, but this was my favorite arcade game. Really inspired me to obey my parents and think about joining the US Military.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Anyone who didn’t +1 this should go look it up.

King Hippo

el commentator del ingles para Sudamericano Euros calls “throw ins” free throws – which keeps throwing mah pill-addled Rebel mind for a loop

scotchnaut

I’m seeing an active, chunky woman in an ad that isn’t for Chunky Soup. When did everything go sideways?

King Hippo

GOOOOOOLLLLLLLL!!

/I bet $50 on Japan HT and FT, they are balling

herodotus450
herodotus450

Does “Fried Green Tomatoes” still work for all three?

scotchnaut

If that’s the movie where Julia Roberts dies (and I’m pretty sure it is) then, yes.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The one where she dies? What is “Steel Magnolias”?

SonOfSpam

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d have gone with Soylent Green but I’m not sure if that was ever a book.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

It was a novella I think called Make Room, Make Room! by Harry Harrison.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Pink Floyd – The Wall
Galaga
And I’m laughing too hard at Hippo’s answer below not to agree with him.

King Hippo

1) Cracker, “Kerosene Hat” – I re-purchased this after the divorce.
2) Paperboy
3) Depends on the size of the tranny’s weiner

SonOfSpam

The Bermuda/Nicaragua game (in Paterson, NJ) is being attended by tens of people. But at least Bermuda’s jerseys are pink.

Best album ever: Who’s Next
Best classic arcade game: Track & Field
The dress is a sandwich with extra mayo, clearly pronounced “holly”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Funny, I would have thought the tumbleweed represented Baltimore’s next win. You know, just rolling away until next month?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

They can have one sooner as long as they lose on Tuesday and Wednesday.

theeWeeBabySeamus

1-9 in their last 10. I don’t think you have much to worry about.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So how was Shakespeare in the Park?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Horrible. That Shakespeare is always letting his dog off the leash in the park and not cleaning up after him. What a jerk.