Wait, huh? How did I get stuck with this? I’m too drunk for this. I have no insightful banter for you, so in lieu of that, I just have a shitload of lists. Oh yeah, I guess today is also International Left-Handers Day – another holiday I get to celebrate! Time to head to the Springfield Mall for my annual discounts at the Leftorium, I guess?
In NFL news today:
- We have a new episode of Hard Knocks out tonight! After all of the Antonio Brown insanity that unfolded this week – from the cryogenic frostbite on his foot to the threats of retirement if he can’t wear his preferred helmet in the upcoming season – this is gonna be a juicy one. CTE is definitely real, folks, but before we see the truly heinous stuff that results from it, we get some amusing AB antics, at least?
- Andrew Luck is dealing with a “bone injury” according to Jim Irsay; considering his prior injury history, I’m sure that team doctor Nick Riviera will be providing some top-notch care. Fat Humps fans, meanwhile, are preparing themselves a lard slip-and-slide into the mouth of hell if Luck is out for an extended period of time again.
- Josh Rosen got reps with the Dolphins’ first-team offence today, as Miami’s QB competition continues between dumb and dumber. Any time that Ryan Fucking Fitzpatrick is squeezing you out of a job, it might be time to find a new career.
- 500s HC Bill O’Brien still has absolutely no clue on when star DE Jadeveon Clowney will report to training camp. Seems promising.
- Tampa signed former Pro Bowl safety Darian Stewart to help bolster their secondary; naturally, he will regress to the mean now that he is forced to reside within the state of Florida.
Cool Shit That Happened In History On This Day
- 29 BC – Octavian (later Augustus Caesar), having just defeated the Dalmatian tribes along the eastern shore of the Adriatic sea, returns to Rome and has three triumphal processions to celebrate.
- 1521 – Hernan Cortes defeats the Aztecs and captures the city of Tenochtitlan, the capital of the empire.
- 1792 – French King Louis XVI is arrested and imprisoned as an enemy of the people.
- 1899 – Alfred Hitchcock is born.
- 1905 – Norway formally dissolves its union with Sweden.
- 1926 – Fidel Castro is born.
- 1949 – Philadelphia Flyers legend Bobby Clarke is born.
- 1960 – The Central African Republic celebrates its independence as a nation from France for the very first time.
- 1969 – The Troubles begin in northern Ireland.
- 1970 – Elvis Grbac is born.
- 1995 – Mickey Mantle dies.
- 2004 – Julia Child dies.
I’m sure I missed stuff. Eh, fuck it, whatever. Alcohol trumps all.
On TV Tonight
Looks like it’s pretty much an all-baseball lineup tonight, folks. All times are in EST.
- Orioles @ Yankees, 7:05 PM (YES, MASN)
- Rangers @ Blue Jays, 7:07 PM (Fox Sports Southwest, Rogers Sportsnet, TVA Sports 2)
- Red Sox @ Indians, 7:10 PM (NESN, SportsTime Ohio, TSN1/3/4, RDS2)
- Mariners @ Tigers, 7:10 PM (FOX Sports Detroit, ROOT Northwest)
- Astros @ White Sox, 8:10 PM (NBC Sports Chicago +, AT&T SportsNet Southwest)
- Reds @ Nationals, 7:05 PM (MASN 2, FOX Sports Ohio)
- Cubs @ Phillies, 7:05 PM (NBC Sports Philadelphia, NBC Sports Chicago, MLB Network)
- Dodgers @ Marlins, 7:10 PM (FOX Sports Florida, AT&T SportsNet LA)
- Mets @ Braves, 7:20 PM (FOX Sports Southeast, AT&T SportsNet NY, MLB Network)
- D-Backs @ Rockies, 8:40 PM (AT&T SportsNet Rocky Mountains, FOX Sports Arizona)
- Twins @ Brewers, 8:10 PM (FOX Sports North, FOX Sports West 1)
- Cardinals @ Royals, 8:15 PM (FOX Sports Kansas City, FOX Sports Missouri)
- A’s @ Giants, 9:45 PM (NBC Sports Bay Area, NBC Sports California)
- Pirates @ Angels, 10:07 PM (FOX Sports West, AT&T SportsNet Pittsburgh)
- Rays @ Padres, 10:10 PM (FOX Sports San Diego, FOX Sports Sun)
Little League World Series
- Semifinal #1, 7:00 PM (ESPN2)
- Semifinal #2, 9:30 PM (ESPN2)
Soccer (Copa MX)
- Tijuana @ Querétaro, 8:00 PM (ESPN3, ESPN Deportes)
- FC Juarez @ Atlante 10:00 PM (ESPN3, ESPN Deportes)
- Lynx @ Liberty, 7:00 PM (WNBA League Pass, FOX Sports Go)
- Dream @ Aces, 10:00 PM (Twitter, My LVTV)
- Western & Southern Open, 7:00 PM (TSN3/5, RDS1)
- SportsCenter Special: Fantasy Football Draft, 7:00 PM (ESPN)
That’s all for now, folks. I turn it over to you.