A Wrinkle In Time: Your 2019 Kansas City Chiefs A Day Late Because Horatio Screwed Up The Post Time

Whether it was setting offensive records, taking advantage of an all-you-can-eat special at Golden Corral or letting their significant others know who’s in charge, the 2018 Kansas City Chiefs were one of the hardest-hitting teams in the NFL.  Whither 2019, you ask?  Let’s find out!

YOUR 2018 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

The Chiefs went 12-4, won the AFC West, and advanced to the AFC Finals, where they were a Dee Ford not knowing where the goddamn line of scrimmage was from knocking off the Patriots (if you haven’t already, for god’s sake follow that link and read Maestro’s outstanding work on the Pats preview) and going to their first Super Bowl since Len Dawson was alive.

Upon further review Len Dawson is still with us, at the age of 84, which is like a person who didn’t spend their early years getting body-slammed by enraged mesomorphs reaching 212.  Good for you, Len.

At any rate, led by new QB Patrick Mahomes, All-Pro TE and meme-inspiring Travis Kelce, All-Pro WR and garbage human being, (audio division) Tyreek Hill, and All-Pro RB and garbage human being, (video divison), Kareem Hunt, the Chiefs offense seemed to march up and down the field at will, playing an entertaining and high-scoring offensive brand of football.  Seriously, look at those scores:

2018 Kansas City Chiefs season – Wikipedia

The defense?  Well, the defense was on the field.  I think.  I mean, seriously, look at those scores:

2018 Kansas City Chiefs season – Wikipedia

Where did you get that line?  And that secondary?  And those linebackers?  Jeeeeeeesus Christ!

As good as the Chiefs were last year they simply didn’t have the defense to stop teams like the Rams or the Patriots and it cost them.  While they certainly threw a scare into the band of Sith-Lords that is the Patriots I think we all knew that, once the Patriots won the OT coin flip, that game was over.

WHAT’S DIFFERENT IN 2019

Kareem Hunt is with the Cleveland Browns, because when you’re caught on videotape kicking a woman who’s down on the ground, even an NFL team will unload you.

They released Justin Huston and Eric Berry, among others, which sounds bad until you take another look at those scores from 2018.  They traded Dee Ford, and presumably a measuring tape, to the 49ers for a second-round pick.  They picked up Frank Martin, who should fit in real well with the Chiefs, and Emmanuel Ogbah, who will improve the defense if for no other reason that it’s unlikely to be able to get worse.  They discovered Damien Williams after being forced to release Hunt.

Having finished next to last in defense last year the Chiefs brought in Steve Spagnulo to coordinate the defense and switch from a 3-4 to a 4-3 defensive scheme, words and numbers that I assume mean something to people that pay attention to such things.

WHAT’S THE SAME IN 2019

Patrick Mahomes is the returning QB.  He’s great.  Tyreek Hill is, unbelievably, apparently not going to be suspended and will play a full season.  Kelce’s still the TE.  Andy Reid returns as the head coach.

CHIEFS 2019 OUTLOOK

Looking over their schedule I’ve got them at 11-5.  Probably win the AFC West.  Get to the AFC finals and then, with Mahomes throwing bombs, Kelce catching passes, Tyreek Hill dodging defenders and indictments, the game will come down to the wire and Coach Reid will

 

 

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Low Commander of the Super SoldiersMoose -The End Is Well NighSenor WeaseloBrettFavresColonoscopyOld School Zero Recent comment authors
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is the best team that will never win anything.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

On one side of the ball, doesn’t count.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

11-5 sounds about right. Dision winners; Sam Diego is good, but the injuries are already stacking up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In spite of the tired meme of Reid, the defense was the downfall of the team last year and will most likely kill them in the playoffs again.

Old School Zero

/pours one out for Otto Man
//by one I mean a giant gush of blood
///by out I mean out of my cloudy asshole

Senor Weaselo

In spirit with your avatar, YAYYYYY!

WhyEaglesWhy

I may be the only Eagles fan left who thinks fondly of Andy. I really, really want him to win a Super Bowl. Unless they’re playing the Eagles.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

King Hippo

Beatie Mixon (Hippo’s auction league “franchise” player, because I suck) appreciates Tyreek’s fine work in moving the “garbage human” spotlight elsewhere.

King Hippo

cause…

if ya don’t have Beatie Mixon
then your team could use some fixin’

SonOfSpam

The real trouble starts next season when Andy Reid visits Las Vegas and discovers this:

https://www.caesars.com/las-vegas/restaurants/buffet/buffet-of-buffets

ballsofsteelandfury

Jesus…

WhyEaglesWhy

*furiously books flight and orders XXXL sweatpants*

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They throw away enough to feed Ethiopia.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

words and numbers that I assume mean something to people that pay attention to such things

I see someone’s angling for a high-level Cabinet position….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NICE!

Sharkbait

We all know Andy Reid will mismanage the clock, and shoot the team in the foot when it matters most.
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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“Is the leg ok?” -Plaxico Burress