*Forward only, at a preset rate
**Via her hands, usually
***When the water is contained in a glass
Latest posts by Doktor Zymm (see all)
- Something about Football and the Redacteds and maybe this year or whatever – August 22, 2019
- The Landover Snyder’s Team Preview 2018 – September 4, 2018
- The Drunken Trade War Friday Open Thread – June 29, 2018
Do you play Craps? Or know the basics of probability and how throwing two dice work? That’s basically the Washington team under lesser Gruden. They will have anywhere from 2 – 12 wins, with the highest probabilities ranging across the 6-8 zone. Whether or not they make the playoffs, or where they place in the division is entirely dependent on how crap the 3 other NFC East teams are. Is 9 wins good enough to win the division? WOOHOO, DC IS GONNA LOSE A WILD CARD GAME AT HOME!!
So, stuff specific to 2019. There’s a new QB! His name is Dwayne, Dwayne Haskins. He was the 15th pick in the 1st round for the Team With the Name We Do Not Say, and many condolences to him and his lower limbs. In many ways, RG3, shown above standing one one leg, was lucky to get away with only a soft tissue injury. This is a team with a history of snapping QB leg bones. (I thought I remembered Jason Campbell breaking his leg too, but apparently it was ‘just’ a dislocated patellar tendon. Also he called the team ‘a whole lot of crazy’) I wish Mr. Haskins all the best, and advise him to invest well and cash in on whatever endorsement deals he can immediately. The O-line has been okayish in recent years, but there hasn’t been investment there and it’s degenerating with time, much like the brains of football players who endure frequent sub-concussive head trauma. There’s no cohesion, with Trent the Awesome holding out (good for you, get paid!) and a mix of new and kinda new rounding out the starters. You need neurons to fire together to complete a thought, just as you need an O-line to work together to pass protect.
Okay, so if D. Haskins manages to get a decent pass off, who catches it? We can all name a bunch of current Redacted receivers, right? Like Jordan Reed (TE) or Chris Thompson (RB)! Or…oh shit…Doctson? Is he healthy? No shit, I just looked at the current WR roster and…..??? I guess, from a fantasy perspective, one of these dudes has to get some touches, so when you’re deep into the 6th or 7th round, and need a WR, just pick the top WAS player available, because he’s probably the No. 1 receiver and just no one in your fantasy league recognized the name. I actually commend the Redacteds for making the NFL lifestyle available to a wide range of people with above average but maybe not elite football talent! Maybe one of the 2 rookie receivers on the team will turn out to be awesome? One of the rooks, and one of the 2nd years are named Sims. I played the game the Sims back in the day. I can only hope I get as much amusement out of watching the football player version.
Defense. It’s a thing. But maybe a thing this team is good at? In a classic WINNING THE OFFSEASON move (ah, nostalgia) the Redacteds signed high-profile free-agent Landon-Collins. He joins fellow earlier high-profile-free-agent-Josh-Norman, so Josh Norman won’t feel so alone in representing the entire defensive backfield. Yes, there are other CBs and Safetys, like Quinton Dunbar, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (lol) and a rookie who revels in the excellent name JoJo. And there’s real talent at linebacker, with Ryan Kerrigan (who y’all know I love) still awesomeing up the place, being augmented by another Ryan, Ryan Anderson, who is in his third year and also being awesome (WILL THERE BE A DYNASTY OF RYAN LBS? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT!) Also rookie Montrez Sweat, who I’m pretty sure should be a 90’s R&B star instead of DC Linebacker, but I guess he was born at the wrong time.
So yeah, there might be a decent edge rush, assuming no injuries and the defensive front looks…dare I say it? Decent as well. There’s Allen and Payne and apparently decent backups so it’s a position with DEPTH, which is a concept as foreign to WAS as it is to freshman Philosophy majors trying to write character driven post-apocolyptic novels ironically. As far as I can tell, this will be another year of mediocrity. The offense won’t do shit, except for the occasion decent run play when the opposing team’s defense is distracted or forgets who they’re playing and drops too many players back into coverage. The defense will do surprisingly well, but will be out on the field way too much, become exhausted, and eventually give up more big plays than you want to see, since they’re thinnest at CB and safety.
Projected Record: 7-9
Side Bet: Middle Child Coach Gruden finally breaks down in his role of trying to keep everyone happy while achieving a whole lot of not much. I’m talking full-on kicking temper tantrum, and maybe he even quits before getting fired. The only thing that will calm him is this adorable Panda.