Something about Football and the Redacteds and maybe this year or whatever

Doktor Zymm

Doktor Zymm

An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***.

*Forward only, at a preset rate
**Via her hands, usually
***When the water is contained in a glass

Doktor Zymm
The Redacteds getting 10 wins probably pays better than 7:1

Do you play Craps?  Or know the basics of probability and how throwing two dice work?  That’s basically the Washington team under lesser Gruden.  They will have anywhere from 2 – 12 wins, with the highest probabilities ranging across the 6-8 zone.  Whether or not they make the playoffs, or where they place in the division is entirely dependent on how crap the 3 other NFC East teams are.  Is 9 wins good enough to win the division?  WOOHOO, DC IS GONNA LOSE A WILD CARD GAME AT HOME!!

Remember when we earned our playoff losses and they were HEARTBREAKING?

So, stuff specific to 2019.  There’s a new QB!  His name is Dwayne, Dwayne Haskins.  He was the 15th pick in the 1st round for the Team With the Name We Do Not Say, and many condolences to him and his lower limbs.  In many ways, RG3, shown above standing one one leg, was lucky to get away with only a soft tissue injury.  This is a team with a history of snapping QB leg bones. (I thought I remembered Jason Campbell breaking his leg too, but apparently it was ‘just’ a dislocated patellar tendon.  Also he called the team ‘a whole lot of crazy’)   I wish Mr. Haskins all the best, and advise him to invest well and cash in on whatever endorsement deals he can immediately.  The O-line has been okayish in recent years, but there hasn’t been investment there and it’s degenerating with time, much like the brains of football players who endure frequent sub-concussive head trauma.  There’s no cohesion, with Trent the Awesome holding out (good for you, get paid!) and a mix of new and kinda new rounding out the starters.  You need neurons to fire together to complete a thought, just as you need an O-line to work together to pass protect.

The most depressing metaphor for an O-line ever

Okay, so if D. Haskins manages to get a decent pass off, who catches it?  We can all name a bunch of current Redacted receivers, right?  Like Jordan Reed (TE) or Chris Thompson (RB)!  Or…oh shit…Doctson?  Is he healthy?  No shit, I just looked at the current WR roster and…..???  I guess, from a fantasy perspective, one of these dudes has to get some touches, so when you’re deep into the 6th or 7th round, and need a WR, just pick the top WAS player available, because he’s probably the No. 1 receiver and just no one in your fantasy league recognized the name.  I actually commend the Redacteds for making the NFL lifestyle available to a wide range of people with above average but maybe not elite football talent!  Maybe one of the 2 rookie receivers on the team will turn out to be awesome?  One of the rooks, and one of the 2nd years are named Sims.  I played the game the Sims back in the day.  I can only hope I get as much amusement out of watching the football player version.

Idealized version of 2019 NFL season

Defense.  It’s a thing.  But maybe a thing this team is good at?  In a classic WINNING THE OFFSEASON move (ah, nostalgia) the Redacteds signed high-profile free-agent Landon-Collins.  He joins fellow earlier high-profile-free-agent-Josh-Norman, so Josh Norman won’t feel so alone in representing the entire defensive backfield.  Yes, there are other CBs and Safetys, like Quinton Dunbar, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (lol) and a rookie who revels in the excellent name JoJo.  And there’s real talent at linebacker, with Ryan Kerrigan (who y’all know I love) still awesomeing up the place, being augmented by another Ryan, Ryan Anderson, who is in his third year and also being awesome (WILL THERE BE A DYNASTY OF RYAN LBS?  TUNE IN TO FIND OUT!) Also rookie Montrez Sweat, who I’m pretty sure should be a 90’s R&B star instead of DC Linebacker, but I guess he was born at the wrong time.

Not Montrez

So yeah, there might be a decent edge rush, assuming no injuries and the defensive front looks…dare I say it?  Decent as well.  There’s Allen and Payne and apparently decent backups so it’s a position with DEPTH, which is a concept as foreign to WAS as it is to freshman Philosophy majors trying to write character driven post-apocolyptic novels ironically.  As far as I can tell, this will be another year of mediocrity.  The offense won’t do shit, except for the occasion decent run play when the opposing team’s defense is distracted or forgets who they’re playing and drops too many players back into coverage.  The defense will do surprisingly well, but will be out on the field way too much, become exhausted, and eventually give up more big plays than you want to see, since they’re thinnest at CB and safety.

Projected Record: 7-9

Side Bet: Middle Child Coach Gruden finally breaks down in his role of trying to keep everyone happy while achieving a whole lot of not much.  I’m talking full-on kicking temper tantrum, and maybe he even quits before getting fired.  The only thing that will calm him is this adorable Panda.

Hi! Your team is bad and you should feel bad!

 

Doktor Zymm
Doktor Zymm
An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***. *Forward only, at a preset rate **Via her hands, usually ***When the water is contained in a glass
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BrettFavresColonoscopyRedshirtMoose -The End Is Well NighThe Right Reverend Electric MayhemKing Hippo Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is that Taishan the panda?

Redshirt

Daniel Snyder: “Two to twelve wins?! I’ll take that action!”
(Snyder throws dice. One lands showing an Ace. The other bounces off another players chips, goes over the rail, bounces off a chair, gets kicked by a random person walking by, rolls out the door)
(sounds of screeching tires, cars crashing, and screaming)
Daniel Snyder (to the stickman): “Same die?”

King Hippo

Excellent preview, Dok! And NO, I will NEVAR give up real life shipping you with Ryan Kerrigan. It’s meant to be, damn it!! 😀

Ian Scott McCormick

I hate that I’m pretty sure Haskins is going to suck, and yet if you asked me to trade Jones for him, I’d say yes in a cocaine heartbeat. And the Giants picked ahead of DC. The world sure is funny sometimes.

King Hippo

I also feel this way about Drew Lock. You never want to pick amongst runts of the litter in a shitty QB class.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

For the average QB it takes at least two years to train them in the NFL game. In the right system with the right coaching they can sometimes do it earlier. But waiting and watching with objective analysis, correcting of mistakes, seems to be much less attractive than bitching and moaning, gnashing teeth, and the clutching of pearls.

Fronkenshteen

Great piece! Those brain samples are goddamn horrifying. Re: crippled r******* qbs, I’d nearly forgotten that immediately prior to their 42 point explosion vs Elway’s donks in that supe, this happened to Doug Williams:
https://media.gettyimages.com/photos/football-super-bowl-xxii-washington-[*Redacteds]-qb-doug-williams-with-picture-id81445674

Wakezilla

I’m trying to comprehend the fact that Pierre Garcon isn’t part of the Redacteds receiving corps

King Hippo

I had Pierre Garcon and Pierre Thomas one auction year, and I played the season as Lucky Pierres.

blaxabbath

I took one of those “how to play craps” things at a casino once. It made no sense and then I immediately lost all my money when cut loose.

Perhaps casinos are not the best teachers on how to win at craps.

blaxabbath

Good thing I didn’t draw the

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because my entire preview would have been, “Just lean on Pierre Garcon”

Senor Weaselo

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Bill has aged…… as have I.

yeah right

Why Washington! I forgot you were there!

Great stuff Dok.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t see them going beyond 6-10; you’re welcome Jerry.

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Sharkbait

Great. Now I Want to play craps.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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When do the Raiders play the ‘Dacteds next? I can’t wait to hear all the narrative around the GRINDER BOWL.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Balls is contemplating the deeper meaning of this gif.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“So does Daddy….” -Rex