No One’s Chargers 2019 Preview: Top Bolt

INTERIOR – CHARGERS WAR ROOM, MIRA MAR, CA – MIDDAY

MAJ. TOM TELESCO: [Walking in] Good morning Tony.

COMM. ANTHONY LYNN: Morning Tom.

RADIO: Ghost Audience, we have an unknown aircraft entering our airspace. Vector 405 for bogey.

TELESCO: Who’s up there?

LYNN: Rivers, Gordon, Bosa and Allen.

EXTERIOR – THE SKIES ABOVE SAN DIEGO COUNTY

CAPT. RIVERS: YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODDDDDYYYYYY where’s that bogey! Hey Gordon, where’s that bogey?!

RIVERS: Roger that, I got them. Bosa, you hear that?

LT. BOSA: EYYYY, I-A COPY!

RIVERS: Allen, you got them?

LT. ALLEN: [Through gritted teeth] I’m not as good at spotting things as a fucking Gordon, Cap’.

RIVERS: Both of you calm down! We’re closing in on the target!

[Another jet zooms past the squad]

ALLEN: That looks like a Rammskie MiG!

BOSA: YOU-AH SEE IF HE’SA SINGLE?!

RIVERS: This is no time for your heathen homosexual questions, Lieutenant! [To RADIO] Ghost Audience, what are our orders?

RADIO: [Crackling] The target has entered our airspace and could detract from our local revenue. Command has cleared you to engage.

BOSA: IT’SA GO TIME!

RIVERS: Good call, Gordon! Let’s form up on his tail!

[The fighters swing around and close in on the target]

RIVERS: Steady… Steady… I’ve got a lock!

[The jet suddenly begins to spin uncontrollably]

RIVERS: We’re caught in his cashwash Gordon! I’ve lost control!

ALLEN: Mayday, mayday, Phil’s in trouble!

BOSA: HE SPIN-AH LIKE A PIZZA PIE, OUT TO SEA!

RIVERS: EJECT, GORDON! EJECT!

RIVERS: [As parachute deploys] WHY GOD, GORDON!!!!

INTERIOR – TRIAL JUDICIARY, MIRA MAR, CA – ONE WEEK LATER

TELESCO: The spin was induced by the disruption of air flow into the starboard engine by stray $100 bills. This disruption stalled the engine, which produced enough yaw rate to induce a spin… which was unrecoverable. There was no way Captain Rivers could see or avoid the cashwash.

LYNN: Further, the death of LTJC Gordon was due to a malfunction with the Spanos brand ejector seat. If only the taxpayers had paid for the initial design, components, testing, quality control and labor, he might still be here today.

TELESCO: The Board of Inquiry finds that Captain Rivers was not at fault in the accident. His record will be cleared. He’s restored to flight status without further delay. These proceedings are closed.

LYNN: Captain, the Rear Admiral has also requested an audience…

INTERIOR – REAR ADMIRAL’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER

RIVERS: [Saluting] You wanted to see me, sir?

RDML. SPANOS: At ease, Captain. I always forget how you fly boys treat me when I put on my dress blues.

SPANOS: You know, it’s not the uniform that makes me an Admiral. It was Daddy that did!

RIVERS: [Condescending] Yes, sir, I remember.

SPANOS: And in light of your recent discovery of Rammsian fighters entering our air space, I am worried about this team’s financial future.

RIVERS: What do you mean, sir?

SPANOS: The public won’t give me any more money! They keep saying that they want it! Bunch of peasants and thieves, never worked a day in their lives! And now that the Rammsians are on our doorstep, they’re going to start funneling more of our money away! Unless we do something about it.

RIVERS: Do you have a plan of attack, sir?

SPANOS: We’re going to destroy them from the inside! First, we need to relocate our entire operation.

RIVERS: Entire operation? But sir, we’re sworn to serve the citizens of San Diego!

SPANOS: Nonsense! The cheap San Diego bastards will still be protected, Don’t worry about it. They’ll be fiiiine.

RIVERS: What about the cost of moving? We’re using hardware and technology from the late 80’s! And the organization wouldn’t even pay for a coffin for Gordon’s funeral!

SPANOS: We sent some very lovely flowers!

SPANOS: And besides, we’ll be moving INTO the Rammsian base! Sure, it’ll be on their terms, after it’s built, but it’ll save us a ton of cash in the end. And then, after we’re entirely entrenched and out of other options, we’ll just take them over somehow! How hard could it be?

RIVERS: Rear Admiral, this makes no sense! It sounds like suicide!

SPANOS: YOU’LL DO AS I SAY CAPTAIN! [Clears throat] Ahem, besides, it’s not like I need your sign off. I’ve already gone over the plan with the Lieutenant here.

LT. LT TOMLINSON: [Emerges from the shadows] That’s right Rear Admiral, sir! It’s a great plan, sir!

SPANOS: We’ll beat them at their own game! And if for some reason, it doesn’t work, we always have the Secret Weapon…

INTERIOR – STUBHUB DIGNITY HEALTH TEMPORARY AIRFIELD, CARSON, CA – MONTHS LATER

TELESCO: [Walking into the Rear Admiral’s new office] Sir, are you in here?

SPANOS: [Seated behind his desk with RIVERS and TOMLINSON standing not far behind] Ah, Major. What do you have for me?

TELESCO: The monthly status report you requested, sir. It’s… not good.

SPANOS: What do you mean? What’s “not good?”

TELESCO: Everything, sir. Morale among the troops is at an all time low. The locals have not taken kindly to us moving into the area and the men have been unable to safely go off base to blow off some steam. The local women want nothing to do with them all the same and I’m afraid they’ve… lost that loving feeling, sir.

SPANOS: Damnit! Can’t we just throw a little money at the problem?! Find someone to take their breath away?!

TELESCO: Well, funds were actually my second point. We’ve already spent the budget the Joint Chiefs allocate for us every year and we’ll have to dip into private reserves for that.

SPANOS: If the men performed better, we wouldn’t be in this situation!

RIVERS: Sir, we have been grounded since moving into enemy territory. We can’t even get our planes off the ground in order to deal with the “envoy” that San Diego sent to terrorize us!

SPANOS: Lieutenant! The intel you provided said that we’d retain our old territory while making new ground here!

TOMLINSON: Yes sir! Whatever you say, sir!

SPANOS: Ah, it’s no use. We’ve tried everything. I didn’t want to have to do this, but we’ve been left with no choice! [Presses a large yellow button on top of his desk]

[The bookcase across the room swings open revealing a hidden advanced looking chamber]

[Image via]

RIVERS: What in the seven circles of devil dick hell is this?!

TELESCO: Well, it used to be a man…

RIVERS: There’s someone in there?!

TELESCO: Yes, but he has undergone many surgeries, and many different forms of hypnotherapy and has become something much, much more.

SPANOS: It’s been trained to only be loyal to our cause. And I think it’s time to use him to crush our enemies!

[CHAMBER DOOR FLIES OPEN]

BOLTMAN: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! [Flexes and then does the robot] BOLTMAN IS READY TO ROCK AND OR ROLL!

RIVERS: What the hell is that thing?! And where is that music coming from?!

SPANOS: Boltman, this is your master! I have awakened you to destroy the enemies of our organization!

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN IS READY TO CONSUME ALL THAT STAND IN HIS WAY! [Runs in place and throws a couple of jabs at the air] BOLTMAN WILL TRAVEL NORTH TO DESTROY THE EVIL INVADERS! [Turns to leave]

SPANOS: You don’t need to go very far. They’re only a little ways across town.

BOLTMAN: [Stops in the doorway] IS BOLTMAN… BEHIND ENEMY LINES?

TELESCO: Sir, wait! The hypnotherapy, it started in the 80’s! It’s only loyal to–

[Telesco’s head explodes and body crumples to the floor as a single gloved fist is the only thing that remains where his brain just was]

BOLTMAN: SAN DIEGGGGOOOOOOO!!!


Fuck this team, fuck this owner and fuck this city. They’ll go 11-5, probably make the playoffs and no one will care or much else notice.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

If this team finishes 11-5, pray for Tiffany’s uterus

WhyEaglesWhy

This is…magical.

blaxabbath

You can’t just toll over to the Rammsians! I hearby order all west coast football teams to look at alternatives to losing to the Rams!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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SonOfSpam

One other thing…using the “original” LA Chargers logo was (that French gourmet kiss finger thing)

ballsofsteelandfury

This was awesome. Also, you’re right that no one will notice, but I don’t think they go 11-5.

Horatio Cornblower

Nice twist ending.

yeah right

Bravo Sailor. Take a week off for some R&R.

SonOfSpam

Damn, you killed it. Very well done.

(“It” being whatever remained of DIGNITY Health Sports Park)

theeWeeBabySeamus

This was delightful. OK, maybe that’s overstating.

But I am impressed that it wasn’t just a string of nonsense profanity.

Ian Scott McCormick

I don’t like comparing the LA Chargers to Top Gun. People have watched Top Gun.

King Hippo

TRUE HIPPO FACT! Both times I tried to watch that film, I fell asleep in the middle.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

SonOfSpam

After beating off to the volleyball scene?

King Hippo

May the Spanoi join that Koch monkeyfucker in hell, and right soon.

blaxabbath

God bless!

Old School Zero

Goddamn. Well done. So what I hear you saying is that Bosa wants to play some beach volleyball. That would probably injure about ten players.

Fuck this team indeed. BOLTMAN’s wrath is too good for them.

Fun fact: as a kid we lived really close to Mira Mar and I was a huge top gun fan. I’d see jets flying overhead all the te, close enough to read the identification letters under their wings. We’d watch the blue angels practice every time they’d be in the area. Once the SR-71 turned around over canyon behind our house and it was the greatest moment of my life to that point.

SonOfSpam

I grew up right near the now-defunct El Toro Marine Base, and Blue Angels Practice Week was really fucking loud. Seemed like you could high-five the pilots from the driveway.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

That’s just stellar work. Top to bottom. I just wish Gordon could be here to see it.

/throws dogtags into LA “River”