Long Donks March Back To Relevance

Team Previews

King Hippo - August 8, 2017August 7, 2017

This will serve as your 2017 Denver Broncos preview. Much has changed, whilst much has stayed the same. First and foremost, the unequivocally positive change, as history's most grievous injustice has been righted. Terrell Davis (as pictured) is now a member of pro footy's Hall of Fame! Words cannot describe how

Offseason Fantasy FOOTBAW! Roundtable and Saturday Open Thread

King Hippo - July 22, 2017

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The following will comprise a conversation told by one ugly American and two upstanding Canadians (Maestro and Litre_Cola). No names have been changed to protect the innocent. I apologize for not cleaning up the format and syntax better, but fuck it, I am lazy. I tried adding and changing the

July Is The Shittiest Month Open Thread

King Hippo - July 8, 2017July 8, 2017

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There are people who love summer. They are called tan extroverts. They can go fuck themselves with a rusty screwdriver. Summer is a humid, bug-infested sports wasteland. Forget Christmas, this is when people ought to be killing themselves in droves. All that's left is fucking baseball. And even that cold comfort

Continued RIP

King Hippo - May 20, 2017May 20, 2017

104

There is no lesser footy, talk amongst yourselves. I am not doing well with this, and celebrity deaths generally have zero effect on me. Obama will be the next one that hits so absurdly hard. Last performance of the song that introduced me to Soundgarden (thanks again, WKNC 88.1): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RXkjrZ_BZk

A Glorious Lesser Footy Weekend FOAR Moms!

King Hippo - May 13, 2017May 12, 2017

103

Well, for chav moms who support Chelsea anyway ,, smgdh. Yes, the title is decided, thanks to an 82nd minute goal by little used (zero Prem starts) forward Michy Batshuayi. Who I hoped Everton might be able to pry away this summer, but now will be a North London folk

Stumbling Towards the Finish

King Hippo - May 6, 2017May 5, 2017

138

I keep looking for stories...something, FFS. But there's nothing. Just Hull and Swans battling for the last life buoy. And the play on the pitch has been reflecting such. Some truly dire shite. At least I have to pick up my kid from college first thing Saturday, and will only

We Now Interrupt Your Draft FOAR Chelsea’s Last (Small) Chance To Lose…

King Hippo - April 29, 2017April 28, 2017

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That's right, fuckers. 2/3 of CNBC/NBCSN's Sunday triple-header are where it's at this week. Everton and Romelu Lukaku will seek to avenge a dreadful trip to Stanford Bridge when they host the League leaders (9:05, CNBC). A draw can always happen, so a Toffee result opens the door for some

Lesser Footy – Are We Just Here Not to Get Fined?

King Hippo - April 22, 2017April 22, 2017

115

With Leicester's loss in the UCL quarterfinals (boy howdy, them was some shitty return legs), there is precious little left on the table to play for. Everton are in Europa, though they could maybe pass Arsenal for 6th and skip some preliminary rounds (unless Arsenal win the FA Cup, making

Arise, Lesser Footy!

King Hippo - April 15, 2017April 14, 2017

154

Welcome back for another weekend of...things. The Darkest Timeline offers no guarantees in terms of results, nor entertainment value. We start our weekend at White Hart Lane, where "Bound FOAR 2nd" Spurs host "15th and falling but still safe" Bournemouth (7:30, NBCSN). The Cherries failed to make much of an impression

Lesser Footy – Saving Us From el Beisbol

King Hippo - April 8, 2017April 7, 2017

At least FOAR a few weeks longer. Christ, I had forgotten what a drag it is when sport is dominated by nap-sport. Ah well, I have my books, my music, and my suicidal thoughts. Onto the fixtures! Spurs, fresh off their mad late comeback at Swansea midweek, host 10th position Watford

Unwatchable Finale Game Thread

King Hippo - April 3, 2017April 3, 2017

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Don't mind me, I shall gladly sleep and bask in the sweet 36-hour glow of the Small Bears occupying sole possession of last place* in the NL Central. Gotta take those small victories when one can. #1W Gonzaga v. #1S U*NC (9:20, CBS) CBS got the final they wanted, and will likely

“Three Interesting Sides and the F-ing Holes” Final Four Thread

King Hippo - April 1, 2017April 1, 2017

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Seriously, this was almost one of the more intriguing, non-evil final events of college hooping EVAR...if Kenfucky could have just guarded that annoying white fucker. Now, I will have to stress drink tonight. Fuck you, Coach Cal. #7E South Carolina v. #1W Gonzaga (6:09, CBS) Frank "Heart of Darkness" Martin v. Mark