Occasional Puzzle: Where in the World is Carmen 5Chan Diego? Part 1

Originally, the mystery of Where in the World is Carmen 5Chan Diego was set to take place in a single puzzle.  But why be a Kellen Winslow Jr. when you can be a Trent Richardson? So stay tuned for Part 2 next week followed by the thrilling conclusion in Part 3.

Jake Locker glared bitterly at the hardwood floor of his office.  The zebra pattern of the shadows cast by the blinds had barely reached as far as the wastebasket next to his desk.  He grimaced.  He knew from experience that his hangover wouldn’t be gone until those shadows touched the globe that was sitting on the file cabinet.  He’d have to face at least another two hours of dull pounding in his skull followed by at least two more of numb sobriety until Norma called it a day and he could dip into the flask of Early Times he kept in his top drawer without having to face her chiding.

Jake pretended not to be surprised as Shelby Whitman stepped cheerily into his office.

“Jake!” his old colleague bellowed.  “Thanks so much for seeing me.”

“Not at all,” Jake replied.  “I was happy to get your call.  It’s been far too long.  What’s it like out there?”

“Oh, it’s madness.  International flights are grounded, NASDAQ still hasn’t gone back online yet, and so many people’s credit scores have been wrecked that the whole system is effectively useless.” –

“And still no idea why.”

Shelby shrugged. “There are theories.”

“And you already know mine.”

“Well, that’s why I’m here, Jake.  Some chatter came through to us via the NSA boys – a  puzzle, really – and I thought maybe you could help me make some sense of it.  I’ll be honest with you, I’m on thin ice at the bureau and I could really use a win.”

Jake’s face hardened.  “So…you’re hoping I’ll solve the case for you, and you’ll conveniently forget to mention me when you’re getting credit for it…”

“Aw, come on, Jake…” Shelby protested

“And you get to be the big hero.  Now that’s just bad manners, Shelby.” –

“No ruder than you, sitting around here without any pants!” –

“Oh, no doubt.  But I’ll be damned if I’m going to put on pants until that skinflint building manager gets this air conditioning fixed.”  Jake’s weathered face broke into a smile.  “I’m just ribbing you, buddy.  I still owe you more favors than I can count for all those times you put your ass on the line for me.”  –

“Well, I’d sure love to cash one in.  You always did have quite the talent for solving mysteries.  Wish I had your knack for it.  I’m just a glorified security guard at this point.”

“That’s why you get paid less than Jake,” Norma quipped through the intercom.  “Sorry to interrupt, sir, but I was headed out to McMillan’s diner to pick up lunch.  Can I order you something?” –

“Sure, what are the specials?” –

“Hot pastrami, roast beef with swiss, and the mortadella.  Oh, and the egg salad sandwich, but you said to remind you not to order it again – last time the mayonnaise was rancid.” –

“Thanks, Norma.  I’ll take the roast beef.”

“Very good, sir. ”

Jake shut off the intercom and turned his attention back to Shelby “Now let’s get back to this puzzle you’ve brought.”

 

Puzzle Key: 3, 10, 13, 2, 1, 3, 6 (spaces count)

A hint, of sorts: this puzzle was inspired by WhyEaglesWhy.

Puzzle…Solution?  Once you have the right answer you’ll know because it will make sense as an answer for all 3 of these questions:

1.) What Peter King did when he saw some old footage of Roger Goodell trying out for his college football team.

2.) What Indianapolis Colts fans did when the stadium introduced an “all you can eat” seating section.

3.) What Trent Green did when the trainer asked how many fingers he was holding up.

 

LINK TO PUZZLE SOLUTION

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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King Hippo

I don’t give two shits about saving the world, or anything profound like that. But every time I read one of the puzzle threads, I really lament not having another 20-30 IQ points rattling around my brain cavity.

Old School Zero

Oh, and for those that want more puzzles, it’s the 5th Anniversary Puzzled Pint tonight! In the past, we’ve gotten free pint glasses. http://www.puzzledpint.com/

Old School Zero

Oh, man, that’s good. I did dip into the puzzle solution’s first line, and then just about headdesked. I THOUGHT that it might be something like that, but just didn’t try it out.

I’m just surprised the answer isn’t “jizzed in their pants”.

http://media3.giphy.com/media/91WDgp4xpQQAE/giphy.gif

ballsofsteelandfury

That IS good. I think some reference to that specific music genre would’ve helped, but I’m a bit slow…

ballsofsteelandfury

1) Masturbate
2) Riot
3) Purple

Am I close?