Start or Sit (On Your Face): The DFO Fantasy/Sex Mailbag

OK, Week 3 gearing up, and once again, work sucks, your lives are a mess, and the NFC East remains a radioactive clusterfuck. Some things never change, really!

This is gonna be another short mailbag this week, because we seem to have a lack of #content being submitted to fill these damn things up. Regardless, I am soldiering on in the face of all this, and have to remind you all now to SEND ME YOUR SHIT EACH WEEK SO WE HAVE THINGS TO TALK ABOUT. (Email is at the bottom of the article).

Maestro, I have some questions!

Oh shit, I hope I have answers.

[Looks down email]

Football is easy this week! Sex is gonna be a clusterfuck. Shit.

Flacco vs. CIN, or Sam Bradford @NYJ? Bradford’s gotta wake up, right? RIGHT?!

I don’t think I can state enough just how much of a garbage fire the Eagles are this season; and keep in mind that if any of their offensive starters go down, they are somehow gonna get even worse. Throw on top of that in how the Jets’ D will literally eat DeMarco Murray and possibly Tiny Darren if they want dessert, there is no sensible person who is gonna be starting Bram Sadford on Sunday. Go with the #ELITE option.

Sex (ethics, really): you see your married male buddy passionately kissing and groping another guy at a bar you just entered. Should you say hi, stay away, take a pic of them, or leave? And, do you breach the subject with your buddy or with the wife?

Oh fuck, whatever you do, don’t talk to his wife. You don’t wanna be the bearer of bad news in that situation. I’d feel pretty guilty knowing that it was my info that potentially broke up a marriage. If his wife needs to know, let him do the talking. If you still feel the need to talk to him about it, just try and keep it light, I guess. Probably do it afterwards – like the next day or two, maybe. It’s OK to feel weirded out by the situation – I totally understand at seeing how non sequitur that would be – but I’m admittedly on the fence about snapping a pic. As much as you wanna prove you saw it, I feel like it’s an invasion of privacy, and while he may still deny his actions, deep down, he knows what he did. If he doesn’t want to own up immediately, fine. Whatever. But know that the guilt is eating at him, little by little, and it’s up to him to take action to figure out just what the fuck’s going on in his life.

By the way, I’ve seen this exact situation play out before – the husband and wife ended up divorcing over it. It was shitty all around. The kids weren’t right for a long time because of it. It’s not something we should be actively promoting – whenever possible, just try and leave them to figure out their own shit, because otherwise, it gets all over your hands and nobody wants that.

So that’s it for this week. Keep sending shit for me, pretty please!

For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to [email protected]. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).

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The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/
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nomonkeyfun

Yikes, this really has you confused. If you even need to question Bradford v. Flacco, you should go to a neurologist for some sort of exam. Or at least get the image of your “straight” buddy making out with another girl out of your head. For what it’s worth, I would say that you should talk to him. Tell him what you saw, and let him know that he has a certain amount of time to tell his wife, and you want her to text you at the least after the discussion, or you will go to her yourself. If she’s cool with it, you don’t care, (I’m assuming that you don’t care about the gay aspect, other than weird, if there were never any bells that went off for you.)but just felt that she should at least be aware of the situation.

Be prepared to lose two friends, but sometimes being right is worth the fallout. In this case I think it is. Especially, if there are no kids involved at this point. Everyone needs to deal with the issues involved in a rational cold headed manner. Kids would only gum up the works and make everyone’s life that much more difficult; especially for the wee ones.

If he isn’t able to own up to it with her after a month, you need to go in and tell her. You will probably lose two friends, but there is always the chance that you can live out Enrico’s goal. She might want to prove to herself that she’s attractive to men and that it isn’t her fault.

The woman who is desperate to prove to herself that she isn’t a lesbian is the easiest to go to bed with. I didn’t do this, but in college I had a few chances; and even back then I wasn’t the best of catches. The next easiest is one who’s man tuns out to be gay.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Typical New England fan advice- see someone cheating, say nothing.

ballsofsteelandfury

You are on fire today.

blaxabbath

SO is a nurse (so don’t cross her or she and her coworkers will #nursesunite against you) and was telling me about a situation where a patient had HIV and the likely scenario was that he got it from MSM (men sexing men). They couldn’t press forward with the standard treatment because of his diagnosis. The wife, who was unaware that she was married to a closet homosexual, was losing her shit about why they weren’t giving him the treatment. The husband didn’t want her to know and everyone just kinda had to go “HIPPA” whenever the issue came up. Dude ended up taking it his secret to the grave. Once he was dead, they could be open about his medical records and suggested she go get tested. She probably got the AIDS.

Moral of the story, if you could prevent this woman from getting AIDS, shouldn’t you?

ssi_bulldawg

Whelp, that is a scenario I didn’t envision when reading the question and thinking to myself, ‘nope, nope, nope, nope… you back the fuck away very quietly.’

SonOfSpam

Could you really prevent fer from getting the HIV? She may have already had it by the time you narc’d, or she may not believe it, or something. What I’m saying is, I’ll always justify taking the coward’s way out. In an unrelated note, I drink a lot.

Enrico Pallazzo

Definitely use that info to fuck his confused wife.

/watches too much porn
//does not pay for it like an AMERICAN