The Atlanta Falcons – If “Why?” Was A Football Team

Introduction: In the realm of football-related ventures, deciding to assess the value of the Atlanta Falcons prior to the 2016 didn’t seem like a difficult task to take on. Sure, I have Seahawks season tickets, but DangeRuss & Co. are the domain of Beastmode Ate My Baby. I’ve been a Packers fan since I was a kid, mostly to annoy my Vikings-loving father, but they are the purview of better people like Packman_Jon, and we all enjoyed what Cuntler had to say.

But the Falcons?

The...Atlanta Falcons

 

Well, their new stadium looks like a goatse,

 

I remember Steve Bartkowski. When I was a kid, he was kinda good.

 

Then there was this clown,

https://youtu.be/E5sIzGXJ8mw

Some coaching genius; he couldn’t make use of prime Primetime, and Andre Rison won a Super Bowl with Green Bay. The guy who almost broke John Elway was the coach who took them to their only Super Bowl. Oh, and speaking of Falcons Super Bowls…

 

I once outdrank Chris Chandler at a UW fraternity party.

 

In short,


Evaluation: I made the conscious decision to watch the Week 3 preseason game against Miami, so I’d have something to write about. What did I see?

  • Matt Ryan – goal line interception!
  • Julio Jones – twisted knee!
  • Keanu Neal – injured knee!
  • Matt Schaub – first of three probable teams he’ll play for!

I quickly switched channels, and didn’t watch their fourth preseason game. I figured if I watched any more, confirmation bias dictates they may not have had a team left to field on opening day. So actual research seemed out of the question.

So I turned to the internet. Surely a device that can provide answers to what two girls could do with one cup might be able to help me divine what talent the Falcons might have on their roster. However, I also remembered that WCW was from Atlanta, so I fell down a Youtube rabbit hole of Ric Flair promos for about an hour.

 

Finally, bereft of ideas, I figured I’d listen to some Atlanta music. After a quick scan of Wikipedia, there seemed plenty from across genres to appeal to my broad tastes. Maybe that would help give me inspiration, or – in Robin Thicke fashion – something to plagiarize into an article.

First, “So Fresh, So Clean”, by Outkast.

 

Next, some Black Crowes,

 

Then, before I got back on task, some Mastodon – “Curl of the Burl”

 

Distractions aside, I was still not having much luck looking for Falcons analogies. But then, deep down on the list of “suggested videos”, there was a video of Gordon Ramsay making mayonnaise.

 

Of course! There was my answer, and also an explanation about why Falcons games make me hungry for chicken salad. But I couldn’t justify using specialty mayonnaise – only store-brand would suffice here.

Perusing the Hellman’s website, I found a whole series of products to perfectly describe this team. Behold!

Analysis:

Ownership: Arthur Blank. Co-founded Home Depot. Name sounds like a Dead Kennedys bassist.

Loves dogs; hates Michael Vick. Team may never draft a black QB again as a result.

 

Quarterback: Good news Atlanta, it’s the “Pick-6 Brothers” – Matts Ryan & Schaub! 

Honestly, it seems too spicy.

 

Running Backs: Young but inexperienced. Not going to get a lot of second-half touches.

Good with the right meal; bad in most other circumstances.

 

WR/TE: Julio Jones, depth at Tight End, and youth that will develop. But, mostly Julio.

The only good thing on the shelf, but so over-processed/coached as to be rendered useless.

 

Defensive Front: A mix of veteran & rookie, which should keep them in 2/3s of their games.

You’re told it tastes good, but generally lacks any real flavour. “It exists” is not a compliment.

 

Safeties: Only one player with more than 2 years service. Their touted rookie blew his knee in preseason.

Because it’s the product, not portion control, that made you the size you are.

 

Coaching: Sounds like a fancy and unique upgrade over the previous iteration, but it’s the same old product with one minor change.

Mayonesa! Make your sandwich #UpForWhatever!

 

Conclusion: Based on that minimalist observation and my rapidly declining interest, I’m predicting a mayonnaise sandwich of a 6-10 record. They play Tampa & the Saints twice, and get the Niners, Eagles, Rams and Chargers. There’s gotta be 6 wins in there somewhere. A perfect storm maybe gets them to 8-8, satisfying their half-empty stadium but ruining their 2017 draft position.

Either way, when the season is done, I think Julio Jones follows Megatron into retirement because his team sucked the fun out of the game for him. They’re going to need a couple more years of high draft picks, an upgrade at quarterback, and Carolina’s eventual downturn before they can begin a march past cromulence and back into the realm of possible playoff teams.

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Well, they are embracing people of color.

2016 The Hellman’s-raisers.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dammit….didn’t I tell you not to post this without Usher? You ALL heard me say it (whether you remember it or not….as an aside, some of you might have a problem with alcohol…just saying). But he ignored the shit out of me. Now I gotta do it myself, which only serves to illustrate BFC’s point on the open letter post. I hate it when that guy’s right almost as much as when CB is right.

YOU’LL SEE…YOU’LL ALL SEE!!!!! (shit, now I’m yelling again too…fuck)
/grumble grumble

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxBSyx85Kp8

blaxabbath

The Falcons have awesome uniforms. If they’d had pretty much any success more than just one conference championship (which isn’t good for being tied “for the oldest NFL franchise in the Deep South”, per Wikipedia), ATL could easily be the team of choice of Americans who have >15% of their body surface covered with prison ink (instead of the Cowboys and Raiders).

Enrico Pallazzo

The Matt Ryan/Kyle Shanahan duo is the most 7-9 pairing this side of Jeff Fisher.

jjfozz

Does anyone remember the Dirty Bird? Luckily, a few rounds of hypodermic needles filled with bleach has erased this from my memory.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dirty Bird? I assume you are talking about the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill, and no, I can assure you that Captain Hazelwood does not, in fact, remember it.

Old School Zero

Yeah, I agree. This team ain’t no kewpie mayo.

Fronkenshteen

This is great, man. The mayo section..just, holy shit. Laugh out loud funny.

King Hippo

I have mayo as much as, perhaps MOAR THAN, cheese. SO GROSS.

Also, it was nice that the Donks faced those Dan Reeves Falcons in the Superb Owl, with Peak GODDAMNED HALL OF FAME CALIBER Terrell Davis. Reeves had no choice but to put 8 in the box and have Elway joyously rip him a new asshole, which was the best real-time Karma I have ever drunkenly witnessed.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Mayo is Satan’s semen.

Senor Weaselo

Who wants to be the one to mention Miracle Whip and start that fight?

Sharkbait

So much mediocrity in this post.

jjfozz

The last time I saw a more uncomfortable thumbs up was at my prostate exam.