As teh real football is about to start. HOWEVAH we have the lesser footy starting as well which I know doesn’t concern many of you but perhaps if your small humans have you up early on Saturday mornings you will need to know all of this! Just like last year I am here to provide a complete half assed, biased English Premier League preview. It will be different this year I tell you! No, not the top of the table, that will stay pretty much the same. It is that I have Toffee supporter and lesser footy luminary King Hippo to give me his 2 pence. It once again will be done in 2 parts as I am not previewing 20 clubs at once as that would be a lot of work. If you are aware of my lifestyle you would know I am a stoner, and therefore 20 clubs is too much. I will first get this off my chest, I am very disappointed that the club I support lost to Reading in the Championship playoffs to be promoted. Fulham plays a style that is high risk and high reward which is fun to watch when you are fighting for your life at the bottom of the table. Sadly I will now have to search the interwebs for my clubs matches and infest my computer with viruses.
On to the previews!
Note: We were most certainly impaired while writing this so take that as you will.
ARSENAL – North London
The Gunners have a new mana, wait, they didn’t send Wenger walking? Sooo they are going to play for 4th as usual? Hey they got a trophy already this season you say. Yes, but it was the Community Shield and that means a whole boatload of nothing. They did beat Chelsea which warms my black heart, and it was in penalties which everyone loves… They didn’t sell Sanchez which is another head scratcher for me as he has a year left on his contract and he hasn’t committed to a new contract so he can walk at the end of the season. That being said if Wenger gets the boot after another middling season why the hell does he care if Sanchez walks? The Gunners have not been too busy in the transfer window so I will just leave it at that.
[KH: Bastards broke my heart by dangling Olivier Giroud – who the Toffees desperately need and will rot on the Arsehole bench – in the shop window, only to yank him right back. They can fuck right off and finish 7th.]
LC Prediction- 4th because of course.
A.F.C. BOURNEMOUTH – Bournemouth, Dorset
The Cherries (heh) finished 9th last year which is an incredible result. Without looking it up I can not name a single player, or their manager for that matter. I have a soft spot for them however because they are very similiar to Fulham and that is what rules me. They are owned by a Russian ‘Businessman” who probably has applied to be a member of DFO but our internet dad has a thing against Russians and escoUrts for that matter. Hey, hey Jermaine Defoe has signed up this year on a free. [KH: Bell, Biv, Defoe. Now ya know. Yeah, I gots nothing here neither.] Obviously he didn’t want to go down to the Championship so I do know 1 player on the Cherries. They also paid Chelsea for Nathan Ake in a big splash for such a small club. I do think they will fall back a bit because with their budget you can only stay up for so long.
LC Prediction – Relegation battlers but probably safe
Brighton & Hove Albion F.C– Brighton & Hove, East Sussex
The Seagulls came up automatically from the Championship last year, their 1st time in the top tier for 34 years. They have had more guys leave than come in and for a promoted team that is not a good sign. That almost signals that they are doomed to struggle. They just signed a 21 year old right back from Viktoria Plzen Ales Mateju which is great, I guess. Brighton is a great seaside party town, I imagine the Jersey Shore being like it. Brighton’s waterfront is very tacky and you used to get a lot of stag and stagettes their until the cheap airlines came to power and could fly you anywhere for 10 pounds. I feel they will score enough to stay up as their goal differential was fantastic lat year in the Championship.
[KH: Can the Premiership handle SO MUCH Albion at one time? Fuck me, it would be the tits to see West Brom go down, wouldn’t it?] Yes. Both can beat it.
LC Prediction – Just above the relegation zone
Burnley F.C. – Burnley, Lancashire
How the hell are the Clarets still up??? They are the epitome of yo-yo club and they stayed up last year and this year they are destined to go down. They sold Micheal Keane to Everton for 30 mill and so they have their TV money, that fee, and soon their parachute payment when they go down.
[KH: Thanks FOAR Keane, he good. Too bad you didn’t have any strikers to hand over. Signed, one bitter goddamned blue.]
LC Prediction – Relegated.
Chelsea F.C – West London
Stamford Bridge isn’t in Chelsea, it is in Fulham. They won last year with their new head man Conte who looks like a guy I would love to split a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes with. If I spoke Italian I would love to sit on a patio with Conte, Buffon, and Pirlo. That would be a bloody good time IMO. The Blues brought in Morata from Real Madrid, so from evil to evil which seems about right. Matic left to go play for Man U which also is considered an evil to evil move. Does Diego Costa even still play there? It seems like he is rumoUred to be leaving, is it China, India, Spain, Rand McNally? The Blues are always at the top as their owner Roman wouldn’t have it any other way, Chelsea is clearly his favoUrite toy after help dismantle the Soviet Union, or is it his boat? They will have a congested fixture list but are such a deep club that it really shouldn’t be a problem. They will make the final 16 in the Champions League and will not have any worries finishing in the top 4 of the EPL. I do not think that they will repeat as that is a very difficult thing to do and especially with how may matches they will have to play in all competitions.
[KH: Yeah, I could see them focusing on a different challenge this season. I think management pissing off Conte and finishing 2nd in the Lukaku sweepstakes will end up hurting them quite a bit. But they will do quite well in Europe (for a change for English sides) and I think Batshuayi could break through if they actually play him. REALLY wanted him at Everton as part of a Lukaku deal, damn it.]
LC Prediction- Top 4 in England and Quarterfinal in Champions League.
Crystal Palace F.C. – Southeast London
Palace finished 14th last year when it seemed like they were doomed for relegation. Their new manager is Frank de Boer of former Barcelona and Ajax fame who replaced Big Sam Allardyce who saved them from the drop zone. The Eagles are one of those teams that just hangs around the bottom half of the table and flirt with relegation every year. A couple familiar faces remain in Steve Mandanda in goal as well as countryman Loic Remy who I have to admit that I did not know he was there. The Benteke brothers are up front and Christian has to be one of the most frustrating strikers that I have ever watched. I think that they will be mid table and keep the quota of London teams in the prem.
[KH: Benteke is rumoured to Everton as a Giroud alternative, and this makes me strongly consider seppuku. More than usual, even.] Oh yeah I don’t even want him at Fulham.
LC Prediction- Mid table
Everton– Liverpool (the nicer part)
I am not going to say much here and cede the floor to the true supporter King Hippo. I will say that when I visited Goodison Park it was very nice and there definitely is a border between Liverpool and Everton Supporters. The Toffees have been in the top flight for over 100 years so you know if you support them you will never have to deal with relegation like the club I support. I think they will qualify for the Europa League as they will finish right below the far richer clubs.
[KH: Everton DID score the transfer coup of the window by signing Sandro for his pittance of a release clause (thanks to Atletico’s transfer ban being upheld), that dude is pure lightning on the pitch, and keeps me from being complete suicide watch as Lukaku is gone and Barkley will surely join him. New lead CB Michael Keane and keeper Jordan Pickford also merit A grades, and Ajax’ Danny Klaassen (fun FOAR spell check) should contribute once he settles in. Unfortunately, the good work is buried by the stupid hype over the sentimental signing of Wayne Rooney, and without bringing in a true striker (and closing the deal for Swans’ Gylfi Sigurdsson), he’s being asked to play too many minutes and play a role he can’t really handle anymore – which is fair to nobody. With a murderous slate of opening fixtures, bracketed by a Europa playoff round trip to fucking Croatia in the middle, the Blues don’t have the luxury of a settling in period.]
Hippo, you didn’t mention Rooney coming back but whatever. Just never forget.
LC Prediction: Europa League spot, and maddening frustration for Hippo
[I want to say Top 6, within spitting distance of 4th but based on what I see so far…SIGH]
Huddersfield Town A.F.C. – Huddersfield, West Yorkshire
Another promoted club that plays incredibly boring football and will be rejoining the Championship next year. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FULHAM WHO WAS PROMOTED!!!! They have a bunch of guys that I do not recognise and I hope they lose every game.
[KH: yo-yo team personified, they won’t even fookin’ try.]
LC Prediction: Relegated by Christmas
Leicester City F.C. – Leicester
What a roller coaster year they had last year, they looked doomed for relegation but finished 12th after a head scratching managerial change. Foxy footy played so well in the Champions League I was rooting for them to provide the futbol world another shock. Well, Vardy is still here, as is Mahrez but I have been reading that Danny Drinkwater is rumoUred to be on his way to greener pastures. They brought in Ihenacho from Man City and I always have had a soft spot for corn chips and cheese. I think that they will have a better season than last and compete for the Europa League position with the Toffees.
[KH: I am quite jelly about the Ihenacho thing. Could deffo see Foxy Footy making another run at pseudo-glory.]
LC Prediction – 6 to 10th.
Liverpool FC– Liverpool obv.
The Reds have a huge fanbase that is annoying as hell as they play the victim role as they aren’t as big as the big 4 and Tottenham having ascended to compete every year. No, shut up and realise your managerial and transfer moves have been garbage and you have finished where you deserve. They have righted the ship with Klopp as manager but I just can’t get past how irritating their fans are. Owned by the Fenway group the owners are even entitled assholes. I have a lot of close friends that are Reds supporters and the texts and emails never cease about a minor injury or if they beat Watford 1-0 “We’re back baby” etc.
[KH: I only refer to them as the Shite or Redshite for a reason. Vile bunch of whiny fuckers, just like their annoying sideline prima donna manager. It was hilarious watching them sabotage themselves against bottom half of the Table sides last year, and this year they will no doubt fool themselves into thinking they can actually contend in Europe.]
LC Prediction: They will qualify for the Champions League and finish 5th in the league.
Enjoy the games and see you next week.
[KH: As for the fixtures, I naturally suggest sleeping through the Redshite, then watching Everton hosting the mutants of Stoke (10:00 EST, CNBC), followed by fookin’ Brighton & Hove getting their likely one and only big NBC spotlight dance, hosting Man City at 12:30. Sunday’s NBCSN brunch double dip could (and later, will) suck worse, with Barcodes/Spurs at 8:25, followed by the Bubble Boys floating into Old Trafford at 10:55. Nobody knows who’s really settled/any good yet, so enjoy some entropy and just be glad to watch SOMMET that ain’t el beisbol FFS.]
And people wonder why I hate people.
Plus, dude messed up a perfectly good Dodge Charger.
Haven’t seen a charger with that much damage since Melvin Gordon’s knee got a twitter account.
On the one hand, Alt-Right groups are hateful and spiteful and represent the worst of Humanity. May Satan give them a hellfire enema after they get laughed out of their Final Judgment.
On the other hand, if they can’t be allowed to exercise their Freedom of Assembly then the First Amendment has no power at all.
Pretty sure when you purposely beat other people up based on the colour of their skin and run people over with the intention to kill, you lose that right.
At least with Canadian rights, you can protest whatever, but, if you’re advocating the genocide of coloured people, you lose your right of freedom of expression.
So it was the Racists that ran over the crowd?
yep. Purposely targeting the counter-protestors
Ah. Of course. I stand by the 2nd part of my original comment based on peaceful protests, only. Which this wasn’t definitely it.
I fully stand by the 1st part.
The Bill of Rights is for government action, not counter protesters who are also expressing their own First Amendment Rights.
Road Trip to UVa, anyone?
Wooooo!!!
/turns on TV
//dammit
And now American Fuhrer makes it explicit. He don’t want all the shade being thrown at the racists and Nazis out there today ,, smh:
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/on-many-sides
Without knowing about 99.9% of the transactions that happened throughout the summer, I’m going to say that City has a 69% chance of winning the EPL, United in 2nd (I actually know one of the names they signed and he’s good!), Chelski in 3rd and Everton in 4th because Rooney will have found the fountain of youth, which is a nice way to say a masking agent for PEDs.
Me about 10 minutes ago:
“I’ve finished most of my work for the day, lets go on Facebook”
/goes on facebook, sees an Arab female friend in the south, telling people in a status that the Dixie flag has no racist ties and it’s all about southern culture, or so her potential inlaws explained.
/goes onto twitter and sees what’s happening in Charlottesville
How we doing, boys?
It would seem that everyone is taking a handful of Hippo Snacks.
Everyone should just pill the fuck out, make a couple black friends. Put your silly Dukes of Hazard memorabilia away, it’s been almost 40 years now, FFS!
Looking forward to Ian Rappaport’s take on how that Charger running down protesters is doing to hurt Dodge’s bottom line.
Darren Rovell will tweet how this will negatively impact UVA’s athletic department.
Fuck! I meant Rovell!
I’ve not been following the media as closely as I should…
But the publicity is good for Dodge, because any publicity is good publicity in the minds of ghouls like Rovell.
This Charlottesville stuff is making me physically ill. I love that town.
How did that place get chosen for this event?
Hell if I know. I lived there for two years, and everyone I met was great.
It could be like Bengals fans. Without alcohol, Cincinnatians are hospitable, open, and the perfect host. With alcohol, we go Super Saiyan Asshole.
Hmmm — maybe I should head on down there….
They voted to take down and/or move some Confederate asshole’s statue. The guy who (very narrowly) lost the GOP Gubernatorial primary this summer made a big stink about it.
For those that don’t like watching TV news or reading Twitter:
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/vehicle-attack-in-charlottesville
If I didn’t like watching TV news or reading Twitter (and I don’t), why the hell would I want to hear about it here? Just sayin’.
Note on American Fuhrer, and how his vanilla statement can easily be read to cast aspersions on “both sides” for today’s events. Or as a dog whistle to his loyal white power folks, it’s just “agitators” causing trouble by not letting The South be as it has always been.
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/true-colors-2
There’s hundreds of years of history in play here. John Birchers and others of that ilk in the federal government now, who are more than happy to stoke the fires of race war.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g37HT4-EtzE
Padre Weaselo is a genius. After rehearsal and getting my drugs, and also popsicles, he realizes… he left his keys in the house so he can’t pick me up. So I guess I have to wait until Madre Weaselo’s shift ends so she can come upstairs and get me!
/Yes, it’s a benefit that she works in the hospital I’m at
I thought Padre was father?
Yes, I wrote it all correctly.
I missed the entire third line.
I shouldn’t have dipped into Hippo’s stash FOAR this high.
/salutes fallen popsickles.
DFO Fun Fact #24393: Charlottesville (“Charlottesville Telephone Operator Extension 035115”) is the name of the extension the operator answers in all the Pat McCrory posts.
This one is NOT in VA though.
Man, I cannot NOT watch this Charlottesville twitter feed. Now like cars are plowing into crowds.
Who’d have thought VA would want to imitate fancy-pantsy Paris after all the anti-Europe chatter by the alt-right?
Better get my 5 miles in. I’ve already decided I’m getting barbecue brisket and links later and I’m going to remove the tiny potential of guilt that probably won’t occur anyway.
Have a slice for me!
Will do.
They make a damn tasty “hot” barbecue sauce too.
Just switched over the LLWS for son’s sake. Connecticut is beating Maine 4-0. Son: “Yeah, fuck Maine.”
Me: “Don’t you go to college in Maine?”
Son: “Yes. FUCK Maine!”
Saturday’s in a nutshell:
http://i.imgur.com/mH81Pug.gif
I wake up in pyjamas, get out of pyjamas so that I can get shit out of the way and then get back into pyjamas as soon as all that adulty shit is done.
Watching new DuckTales show. I can’t tell if my Inner Child is coming back to life because he likes this or because he wants to kill me because I’m watching this.
You should be able to take out a kid.
I don’t know, he’s teaming up with my Hopes and Dreams. I may be in bit of trouble.
It has David Tennant and Danny Pudi, so adult you can feel a little better about yourself.
“I don’t know its has Tara Strong in it and the girl behind “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends” made it. It might be okay.”
Famous last words, Weaselo. Famous last words.
Brighton & Hove Albion sounds like it should be completely staffed by hobbits.
Jim Tomsula notes that you spelled ‘hovel’ incorrectly.
Jim would know.
De Bruyne picks the lock and that’s an easy goal for Aguero
Aaaand its nap time
was just thinking same thing. Have had about 6 cups of coffee, but no matter
City don’t look like no title favoUrites to me. They certainly ain’t no Huddersfield Town…
Sure would be nice to end the day ahead of the Shite, Chelsea, AND City in the Table…
The Seagulls are holding on with all they can. Posession is a bitch tho
Threatened to score just there, even! But yeah, mostly relying on they keeper.
Does it have an 8 track?
I really hope so.
I’m assuming the registration card reads “Gerrard, Silky”
Pictured: Seahawks O Line
Well, at least I made it for the late fixture.
SO! Torchlit Nazi march in Charlottesville, huh? That’s …not good.
Chelsea loses and there are fuckwits in virginia. The world giveth and the world taketh away.
Send in the National Guard. And for the first time in history, it will actually be true that the government is coming to take away their guns.
I see a lot of characters with guns. I don’t see many carrying a lot of rounds.
FUNDAMENTALS PEOPLE!
It’s good that they feel emboldened enough not to hide/pretend anymore. Maybe the detached masses will open their fucking eyes to what is really going on in this country.
HINT: It ain’t “economic anxiety.”
It’s hard to see it as a good thing, but I’d be happy if you were right. Casual Republicans really need to see where their party is heading and to choose sides, and things like this will force them.
Seems to me that rationalization and cognitive dissonance are the way. Grandma Hillary is far more evil that the most ardent nazi to their base voter.
I’d like to subscribe to your newsletter. Scratch that – we’d ALL like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Perhaps it would be prudent to have, you know, multiple parties. This sort of ‘separation of powers’ would promote a ‘balance’ through a series of ‘checks’ that would prevent a few blowhards from hijacking one of the only two major parties.
Not that the US has been interested in trust-busting anytime over the last….well, my lifetime anyways.
Fuck these Nazi fucks
/Volunteers to buy chainsaw.
Indeed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ukFAvYP3UU
https://youtube.com/watch?v=-MkRuV0aCcI
In all honesty, all this posturing by both the police and the protestors in Virginia is stupid. They could just send someone’s attractive cousin to walk by and they would forget what they were even arguing about in the first place.
I don’t even think the cousin needs to be attractive.
Or necessarily human.
What I’m saying is those Virginia Nazis fuck goats.
So I’m about to carry some laundry upstairs without a basket, and I was going to use a blanket to make a big hobo-style bindle for it, and I was thinking “you know, I bet Tomsula would have some good tips on how to do this.”
I was going to write him (or hobo Ed Reed) into last week’s Request Line as coming out to wash Goff’s windshield but was too lazy.
R. Leaf and T. Marinovich, Ltd have already laid claim to the corners around the DFO studios.
Ruh roh.
How does someone score 9-on-11??
Hippo, it is Burnley, which I don’t even think is a real place.
“Well, you see…” -Pete Carroll
I tried to score on 9-11 by pulling that whole “the world is ending; you don’t want to die a virgin, do you?” but all it got me was a brief meet-and-greet with Chris Hansen.
This could be banner material
That’s odd, because you sent that to me and last I checked I’m of age. The answer’s no, but I am flattered.
Peter Crouch is still around? That’s how much I know about club soccer.
He sure is. He did a week or two on Xfm n London the past few weeks and it was very good. But yes the robot is still in Stoke.
Evertonians hate him so fucking much
Down to 9 men! See ya!
Now that’s just hilarious. Who got sent off now? Have the chavs invaded the pitch yet?
Fabregas
Gentlemen
Liar.
Wow, that Azpilcue…..you know what fuck you…get a real name someone can spell you cunt.
But yeah, he’s acting like whiny….well yeah…cunt. Did he go to Duke or U*NC?
This makes my morning.
I’m here to help. Just like always.
OFFSIDE YOU CUNTS!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh fuck, someone woke up Chelsea.
Oh shit, I hate that bitch.
And they don’t look terribly awokeded if I’m being honest.
Not narcoleptic anymore maybe, but not awake.
John Terry’s side can only get so “woke” imo godbless
Oh that’s sublime
Grand Theft Auto VI: Surviving Epilepsy
I finally get to eat something for the first time in about 39 hours. This bland hospital scrambled egg whites have never been more welcomed!
No Tabasco?
Fucking pussy.
I know, it’s gonna fucking suck.
I’m joking of course. You behave and get better.
No shit, I like having you around.
No shit? Isnt that whole thing how he got in this mess?
Haircut, trip to the dump, walk the dog, buy a newspaper solely for the crossword-that’s a big day I have in front of me.
/oh, and the drinking afterwards…
I’ve got a trip to the dump and a trip to the booze store planned, myself.
And maybe a nap. I got out of having to meet up with a friend in Raleigh today because his daughter just went into labor. I hate it for her, but yay for me.
Fuck you, world.
It’s like your me.
How ya feelin up 1-0 Hippo?
Good! Koeman’s subs have made sense, and we can defend this season. I had 1-nil in Prediction League, so am ok with it staying as is. Predicted Sandro, not Rooney, though.
Rooney has worked his ass off today, though. All credit to him, deserved the goal. Easily MotM so far.
Yeah he has somehow found the fountain of youth this game.
If I were looking for a footy team, who would it be? Please note I will not accept Liverpool as an answer because fuck the Red Sox.
Not Man City, Man U, Arsenal, Liverpool, Chelsea. Them be the front runners.
Yes, anyone else is acceptable. As a J-E-S-T fan, you could always bond with an “angry drunken little brother” side like Everton or Spurs, or pick someone fookin’ hopeless like Brighton & Hove (Albion fly, too!).
But choose wisely. You don’t want to be doing the relegation panic dance all fucking year.
Go Cherries!
Come down and play with me! -Fulham for life
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA Chelsea 0 Burnley 3 at the half!
Conte must lose the track suit.
and down to 10 men!
Still, though…booed their side off at the half. Their DEFENDING CHAMPIONS SIDE. Tacky chav motherfuckers.
I really would like to start drinking at 7 am.
Huddersfield up 2-0 on Palace? What is this crazy mixed up world?????
From the Everton/Stoke match thread:
Jeebus. Now I’m seeing this for a second time in what…? 12 hours?
WTF is wrong with you people?
(You people????)
Um…. you people…..
Van Gaal’s more of a dick. Trump and Kim are pricks.
Mourinho’s a dildo.
Oh yeah, Rebecc-er Lowe has dropped every ounce of the (minimal) baby weight. Looks even better, which I didn’t think possible. Chuh chuh!
She kinda pertty.
also the best studio host in all of sport!
Heidi Watney says….well no she wouldn’t say it. She’s lovely and talented and polite.
I’m none of those things.
But fuck you.
You are lovely ….. in your own way.
I’m really not.
So much hate.
This seems like something that dickhead tWBS would have written.
Oh yeah, Hippo was involved. Now I get it.
That’s why I love that fuckwit.
The EPL is 100% fueled by hatred.
Oh I hate every other team from london and Manchester. It fuels me.
3-3
http://www.6502lane.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/krusty-simpsons.jpg
SUCK IT, German Elton John!!
/was not watching, eagerly awaiting replay
Footy earlier than 6 am is unacceptable.
Forgot I was on pacific time. 2 days to go at inlaws
God bless the Daily Mail
“She described the sex as ‘boring’.” What a hatchet jorb!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1309372/Wayne-Rooney-tells-Coleen-Jennifer-Thompson-revelations-text.html
well, he IS a fat guy who smokes. Doubt he has the stamina for teh tantric stuff.
Great preview. The only one I’ll read. Good sorta news: I skipped and tolerated enough of the men in blazers pod to hear both hosts predict Everton at fourth. Take that with a molecule of NaCl ’cause Jesus Christ do those guys think they are cute.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT!
Go Reds.
/? thrown in lieu of gauntlet.
Offside non call, made up. Good for Kloppo.
Oh, the seething from HATAZ is palpable.
Brutal giveaway by Liverpool.
For whatever reason, I can only seem to conjure up hatred towards every EPL team.
As a totally unrelated aside, Real Madrid is my team on account of the homerism of having lived in Madrid with a pro-Real family. Even I think it was mean that they treated Atletico like the Jest, but what are you gonna do?
Many things are worse than following a team with Zidane, CR7, Marcelo, and don Keylor Antonio Navas Gamboa. That said, ¡Real p’al carajo! Barça first,* then Atleti.
* For Luis Suárez reas–OH STFU ????
Don, you know where my allegiances lie in Spain. Vamos Barca!