Welcome to the semifinals of the 2020 Theoretical Women’s World Curling Championships, broadcast live and in colour by your good friends at SCTV!

While many, many things that are Canadian or start with the word, “Canadian” may be considered “boring” to today’s adderall-ridden youth, there are a handful of exceptions.

Take Canadian Football, for one. We’ve been doing this offensive pass-first spread business for decades while the yanks were rolling around in their three-yard gains and clouds of dirt. We let the short, mulleted QBs play when they were forced into exile by the measuro-crats down south. The CFL had Warren Moon up here playing QB while those backwards folks in the states were holding him up against carpet swatches to make sure he matched the drapes.

Matt Dunigan threw for 713 yards in one game in 1994. Now he does colour commentary and gets drunk during games. Let’s see Romo predict a first down screen play after six beers and a halftime dart. Not bloody likely.

Which brings me to the other exception – curling. It brings out fine womenfolk both on the ice and in the stands:

If you’ve seen the past couple rounds or Balls’s roundups then you know the score. It’s semi-finals and these girls are all here to play. It is a bit of a chore finding some of these gals in tight-fitting jeans or semi-tasteful magazine shoots but I tried someone’s best to get it done for you today.

#1 Sweden vs. #12 Russia

Russia is coming into this match on a roll, having beaten one of my favourite bespectacled skips on team Germany in the first round and then team Japan in the second round. Anastasia Bryzgalova was a member of team Kovaleva for a spell but is no longer on the team. She may, however, have eliminated the need for voting at all in this contest so it might be a good thing.

Despite the team picture I’ve used the last two times including her, she is probably off being paid to sell pharmaceuticals or ketchup popsicles by now. While they no longer have the intensely gorgeous vixen on the team, Russia can always be counted on to field a very strong roster.

Below we have the skip, Alina Kovaleva; third, Maria Komareva; and second, Galina Arsenkina. Looking up the lead, Ekaterina Kuzmina, only led me to dirty pictures of other people who almost certainly do not curl.

Sweden, meanwhile, has not only the top-ranked women’s curling team in the world, they are also no one’s underdog when it comes to the theoretical world of curling. Sweden had a bye in the first round so only had to get through one opponent but that was a very strong Italian team led by a fantastic smile and another great set of glasses. I’m giving the Italians the sportsmanship award right now just to get them to the awards show.

While they really don’t need a lot beyond this awards show headliner:

Their tattooed lead, Sofia Maberg, does appear in amongst the curling action shots on the local tele-search.

And I love to see my personal Swedish women’s curling favourite, the elegant and apparently delightfully tall third Sara McManus taking a nice shot with none other than one of our other semi-finalists, in stretchy pants, Scotland’s “Ice Queen” Eve Muirhead.

#2 Canada vs. #9 Scotland

Scotland doesn’t need much of an introduction beyond Muirhead, as she will carry this team as far as it will go. While she was out of curling for a brief period, or at least I hadn’t seen her in years, she would never really turn her back on team Scotland (or team Great Britain, whichever one it happens to be).

Yes, this is indeed a close team and they seem like they would pair well with team Italy for a good party.

But a good team needs a good leader, and Eve can step up when her teammates need her.

And the foe for them, none other than Team Canada.

The Canadians have an excellent group as well, led by their very fetching front end consisting of Shannon Birchard at second, who is the curler I would most like to sweep with, and Brianne Meilleur at lead, seen here drawing me into the deep oceans of their eyes:

Unfortunately Ms. Meilleur is clearly not fond of being a famous celebrity as when I looked her up I mostly got pictures of well-dressed hot dogs.

And while that may be apropos for some of the less patient readers at this point in the segment, the good side of the news is that there is more room for the fit and stunning majesty of Shannon Birchard.

My goodness, what an athlete and what a lady.