Divisions West and Miscellany

UEFA’s swift, untelegraphed boot up Infantino’s arse made me very happy indeed.  But the less said about Everton’s recruitment “plans” the better.  Back to the NFL, then.

NFC West

Per universal acclaim, one gets the impression that the SeaTruthers and RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! are the two best squadrons in the entire League.  I can’t logically argue against it, but one suspects it will simply not come to pass.  The Gospel According to Fatthew is increasingly likely to wither into (very fat-laden) dust, and Puka is a walking self-parody.  But a dominant DL is a dominant DL, and represents a fine firewall against the dangers of regression.

Seattle, on the other hand, is basically starting from scratch at RB.  A good test of the “RBs are just cogs anyway” theorem, but how much can you really put on Sam Darnold’s plate?  Unless it’s paste, in which case he will lick said plate clean.  But I digress.

Nobody is talking about the Tomsulas and their aged core, apart from memes about Baby Shanny’s gruesome traffic accident.  But I predicted collapse of the Santa Clara dynasty last season, and was hilariously off-base.  Consider this a high-variance squadron.

That just leaves the Qards, and their comic relief role.  Their off-season MVP is undoubtedly Jacoby Brissett’s agent.  What MOAR needs to be said (Mike Bidwill’s sexuality aside)?

AFC West

Welcome to the dusty aftermath of the Chefs dynastic implosion.  Patty Mahomes and the corpse of Taylor Swift’s lesser half are back, to gimp throughout The Shield’s prime-time offerings.  Maybe they bounce back to 9-8, but I suspect not.  Like an Andy Reid family reunion (where the caterer is running late), this is gonna get WAY worse before it gets better.

My Donks have decided to swim against the current, and basically make no changes to their personnel (aside from trading for Jaylen Waddle).  A good player, sure.  But can he really carry a roster by himself?  Cort Sutton is another year older, another step slower.  Fatty Payton will make Hippo angry by leaving Wolven Sort Badass Justin Joly as a game-day inactive.  At least I get to enjoy the metronome-like excellence that is Patrick Surtain II playing cornerback.  That never gets old, unlike the OL (which defied physics with its perfect health record last season, surely not to repeat)..

Clippers du Merde?  Same as they ever was.  10-7, adequate quartered-backery, and a wall of Jim Harbaugh cliches.

But hey, at least they ain’t the Raiders (now with MOAR Cap’n Dingleberry).  Parallel to the Arizona dumpster fire, they added a Top 10 RB reach pick to a roster bombed out to resemble 1980s Lebanon.  It worked as badly as expected, but hey, that led to the #1 overall pick and Fernando Mendoza.  Who will eventually get to play, albeit with the worst WR room in modern NFL history.  GOOD LUCK, kid.