The Athletic Department of Louisiana Tech University did not respond today to criticism that they had overreacted to the transfer request of breakout basketball star Xavian Stapleton by banning him from transferring to 55 schools, including any school in Louisiana’s neighboring states or on Louisiana Tech’s upcoming schedule, as well as, singularly, the University of Florida.

“I know we had some critics out there,” a spokesman said. “That’s understandable. But we want you all to know that we’ve heard you. We’ve heard your criticism, we’ve heard your worry, and we have decided to act. Your message was clear: Louisiana Tech cannot let this young man get away with the selfish and irresponsible decision to pursue his education and athletic career at a university of his choosing without facing consequences.

“Accordingly, we take the following action with a heavy heart: We forbid Xavian Stapleton from transferring to any school, domestic or international, the name of which contains the letters that spell out ‘LOUISIANA TECH’. Yes, we know that that eliminates all five vowels but the occasional ‘y’, and that we therefore are likely condemning Xavian to continue his education and career in Wales. So be it.

“We understand that Louisiana Tech basketball is about more than the sport. It is about moulding young men, and we think this is an opportunity to teach Xavian a lesson about maturity. So, after consultation with legal experts, we further enjoin him from patronizing the following eateries:

– Grandma Warner’s K&I Diner

– Any Arby’s east of the Mississippi and south of the Mason Dixon line

– Ray’s, over on 3rd.

– French Laundry

– Of the high-end fast-food burger joints, such as Five Guys, Shake Shack, In-n-Out, etc., he must choose ONE, but may NOT have mustard. NO MUSTARD AT ALL.

– Any Stuckey’s less than fifty miles from a road with more than two lanes.

– A full list of the 512 individual businesses and franchises is available as an appendix.

“Conversely, Xavian is required as part of the terms of his transfer to eat at least three meals a week in a Cheesecake Factory.

“We further forbid Xavian from attending the birthday parties of any friends or classmates from now until his own death or the death of his entire social circle, whichever comes first.

“We also…you know what, we’re just going to post the full 1,200 page document online. It pretty much speaks for itself. Our fans and alumni should also rest assured that we have entered into a 30-year contract with a team of process-servers so that Xavian can be immediately and frighteningly informed of any further restrictions that we may and almost certainly will choose to place upon him. Thank you all for coming.

“CHARACTER,” the spokesman did not conclude.