Catch up on previous episodes here.

Female Voice 1: Clear!

Female Voice 2: Zap him again…

Female Voice 2: Zap the son of a bitch again!

Female Voice 1: Hold! He’s back!

Female Voice 2: Agent Cooper. Can you hear us?

Agent Dale Cooper: Err…Diane?

Female Voice 1: Men. Forget it. He’s all yours, Officer. Let’s get out of here, Bridgett.

Officer Kaur: Agent Cooper, what happened?

Cooper: Was shot, Kaur. Didn’t see the trigger man. Opened the door and just bam. Felt like an assassination attempt for sure. Went down into the abyss next. That could have gone better. How’d I get here?

Kaur: Paramedics. I was in the stairwell when I heard the shots. By the time I reached you in the doorway, the shooter was gone — must have taken the elevator back down — and I stayed with you until EMT’s arrived. We’ve all been making the rounds as you’ve been in this coma since the shooting.

Cooper: Of course! Only one operational lift means….where is Chief Isaac?

Kaur: Well…you have been out a while. Chief Isaac no longer runs the force.

Cooper: He’s gone? Did they make an arrest in the case of Lin Sue’s death?

Kaur: Agent Cooper, you see….it’s like this. You’ve been in a coma. We’re entering the 2020 season and….well, you see, the Cincinnati Bengals remain a staple in this community. And the timing for this investigation was very unfortunate, you see, and recent seasons have been less than remarkable and returning to talk about this missing Ben Gal issue would be quite negative for the franchise. In short, it would be quite detrimental to their past seasons had this investigation stayed any longer. So, as you see, some cases just go cold.

Cooper: Go cold?

Kaur:  Well, according to the Chief, I mean, before he left. Look, I need to, uh, step outside for a minute. I’ll uhh…I’ll…I’ll return. Sure.

Kaur nods his head and exits the room. The door swings silently shut. Cooper leans over and begins thumbing through his medical file.

Cooper: Why, I was shot back in June! Of 2017!  Today is…what is today…

John Ross: It’s the holiday season.

Cooper: Like Christmas?

Ross: Like with the whoop-de-do and the hickory dock and don’t forget to hang up your sock.

Cooper: Now this is odd. I believe I have been transported to a psych ward as a result of my comatose state.

Ross: The stuff you were mumbling? You’re lucky they didn’t put you down son! I said they should pull the plug. Thought you was just gonna be a vegetable forever.

Cooper: Where am I?

Ross: Right now? You’re in outpatient. That’s where I’ve been spending most of my off season. Don’t make Coach too happy but, you know, I got a knee thing.

Cooper: And why am I in outpatient with someone who has a knee thing?

Ross: Cuz you been all this over hospital, I guess they thought they’d try bringing you here? You don’t remember any of these episodes you’ve been having? They been trying to get you out of that coma for years. You’re quite the case study according to the docs around here. Say you seem to be having out of body experiences or visiting another dimension.

Cooper: Another dimension?

Ross: I call it the Upside Down. Came up with that all by myself. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

— Door Flies Open —

Dr Alex Guerrero: It’s true! You’re awake! That is….oh wow….it worked.

Ross: Oh hell no. No no no no no.

Cooper: Who are you, doc?

Guerrero: Well, legally I cannot refer to myself as a doctor on account of a history of marketing a placebo as AIDS medication and otherwise technically not ever receiving a type of formal, I guess is the term, training, which I guess is the other word, in practicing medicine. So you can just call me Alex. I’m a consultant for NFL players but have been helping the medical team here in keeping you going through your coma. How do you feel?

Cooper: Surprisingly good actually. May I get out of this bed?

Ross: I don’t think that’s a good idea, Spook.

Cooper: So what do you know about this case then, Alex? The murder of the Ben Gal cheerleader, Lin Sue?

Guerrero: Please, call me Doctor.

Cooper: So what broke with the case?

Guerrero: What case, exactly?

Cooper: The dead cheerleader found on the bank of the river! The Bengals girl! What else would I be talking about?

Guerrero: Not sure. What else would you be talking about? Where all were the legs of this investigation taking you?

Cooper: I don’t….I was shot investigating a murder. All I care about is murder.

Guerrero: Oh! Well then, if you have no concern for a recent shipment to the greater Tampa area related to some, err, supplements then — well….it’s not important. Get well soon, Agent Cooper. I’m out.

— Door Flies Open —

Zac Taylor: Welcome to Cincinnati Agent Cooper. I’m Bengals head coach, Zac Taylor.

Ross: Welcome? He been here longer than you, coach! Dude was supposed to be meeting with Coach Lewis before he got blasted.

Cooper: Yes, I….yes! That’s right. I wanted to speak with Coach Lewis. It seemed that the entire lineup of potential suspects all flowed through him and —

Taylor: Listen, we’re doing a new culture here for the Bengals and, like, murdering cheerleaders is a thing of the past. I’m not saying I know who did it — I do not. But I can tell you that my group of guys is above suspicion at this point and you’re not gonna see any kind of that funny business on my sidelines.

Cooper: Well, it is nice to meet you, Coach Taylor, but please understand that I need to be coordinating with my local office to identify whether or not your roster is above suspicion.

Ross: Yeah no. Lot’s changed since you been out, Spook. Turns out the FBI was spying on the President and so now the whole agency is basically shut down for all cases that aren’t Antifa or helping Moscow. Your murder doesn’t rate. You’re an agent without a home.

Cooper: What? The FBI would never do that! No no….this is some kind of mistake.

Taylor: It’s no mistake. Look, they’re going to be coming now that you’re awake. We need to get you out of here. I got a plane ticket here to take you to a safe house out west. You need to get down to CVG now.

Cooper: But I’m sure I can’t even walk if I’ve been in a coma for three years.

Ross: Nah you’re a stud now! Guerrero was working on you with those rubber bands he does. You all like the Six Million Dollar Spook.

Footsteps are heard marching down the hallway. A female is voice is cut off after blurting, “Hey! You can’t go back to that –“

Taylor: You need to go. Now.

Ross: I’ll create a diversion. Hey yo! Don’t come in here! My whole fam has Coronavirus!

The footsteps stop but rustling and low conversations continue to feed through the doorway. Ross turns the corner and vanishes into the hallway, still yelling.

Cooper: His family has what now?

Taylor: Go!

Cooper reaches to the side table grabbing his briefcase, firearm, plane ticket, and voice recorder. He looks back at a petrified Taylor as Ross’s limp body crashed against the door frame. He groans, slowly raising his head.

Ross: Get yourself to safety, Spook.

Cooper turns to the window with explosive acceleration. He closes his eyes as he speeds towards the glass. Leaping forward and bracing for the impact, Cooper hears the unmistakable sound of a pistol being pulled from a leather holster before a gunshot is heard just as the first cracks of glass form under the pressure of his shoulder. He holds his breath as if he were diving into a pool.