Today, former U.S. federal judge Sue L. Robinson issued her decision in the Deshaun Watson case. It’s a six-game suspension dot dot dot and something more. Once the news broke out this morning, the takes became plentiful. And why the hell not. This is the Internet: a day without takes is like an airport without planes.

During the afternoon, The New York Times published the whole 16-page decision. This is the substance, as read by me, but first!

For those unfamiliar with the situation: Deshaun Watson wanted out of Houston by January 2021, was malcontentin’ on social and then stories about pervin’ Insta masseuses started coming out. So, he sat out 2021, the Browns gave him the richest contract for a QB amid 24 lawsuits, of which Watson has settled 23 to date—

Ok ok. The decision deemed as facts that Watson contacted at least four therapists through Instagram for “private” massages, in which Watson insisted on covering his genitals with a “medium” or “small” towel instead of a sheet, for massages around his groin. None of the therapists accepted a second session with Watson.

Watson denied he ever had an erection during sessions. The judge did not believe it: “It it is more probable than not that Mr. Watson did have erections and that his erect penis contacted the therapists as claimed by them.” The judge also concluded that “Watson had a sexual purpose – not just a therapeutic purpose – in making these arrangements with these particular therapists.” And, since these therapists declined to give Watson another session, the judge found that “Watson knew, or should have known, that any contact between his penis and these therapists was unwanted”.

In light of this, the judge found that Watson engaged in sexual assault as defined by the NFL’s conduct policy. Watson’s behavior also rose to violating the other two elements of the policy. One, posing a genuine danger to the safety or well-being of the therapists (of the four, two sought counseling and the other two were severely distressed). And two, soiling the virtue of the NFL, paragon of social justice. Thus, discipline per the NFL conduct policy follows–and here the decision got interesting.

First, the NFL wanted an indefinite discipline of at least the whole 2022 season—an unprecedented sentence for unprecedented conduct! [Exclamation point and emphatic hand gesture, per forensics tradition.] The judge was having none of it: the decision reviewed prior cases where a six-game suspension was given for violent sexual conduct. Italics mine, because the judge thread quite the needle.

The decision found that Watson, yes, assaulted therapists with his penis, but the judge characterized that as “non-violent sexual conduct”. Should be noted: this is the stuff of top criminal advocacy. Howevah,

and feel that “non-violent dick assault” stinks of incel sophistry.

The judge does have a point. The decision references that the NFL, from Ray Rice to Deshaun Watson, has been a weathervane for public opinion: “Just as the NFL responded to violent conduct after a public outcry, so it seems the NFL is responding to yet another public outcry about Mr. Watson’s conduct.” The decision leans on a principle of criminal law: you penalize a conduct for a predetermined punishment. Thus the pervin’, while undisputed, must abide by the prior 6-game suspension benchmark imposed by the league, no matter how much the NFL grandstands.

In the end, the decision is satisfying in terms of being a definite solution and calling out the NFL for questionable scruples. All things considered, six games are nothing. But the decision made findings that will follow Watson for the rest of his NFL career, at least. These are:

• Watson is hereby suspended for six (6) regular-season games without pay. Although this is the most significant punishment ever imposed on an NFL player for allegations of non-violent sexual conduct, Mr. Watsons pattern of conduct is more egregious than any before reviewed by the NFL.

• Recognizing that the only discipline mentioned in the CBA is a fine or suspension, I nevertheless believe it appropriate for Mr. Watson to limit massage therapy to Club-directed sessions and Club-approved massage therapists for the duration of his career, and so impose this mandate as a condition to his reinstatement. 

In short, coming to The Pauls in Week 7!

Via @steelers_burner & postimage

NFL NEWS

See above.

-Deebo Samuels signs 3-year extension with San Francisco, $58.1 million USD guaranteed.

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central. As always, slur-free.

GRANDES LIGAS

Marineros (Gonzales) @ Y*nk*s (Germán) – 6:05

Mets (Scherzer) @ Nacionales (Corbin) – 6:05

Serpientes (Davies) @ Guardianes (Quantrill) – 6:10

Tigres (Skubai) @ Twines (Sin decisión) – 6:40

Medias Rojas (Eovaldi) @ Fuck Houston (García) – 7:00

tWBSs (Watkins) @ Patrulleros (Gray) – 7:05

Reales (Keller) @ Medias Blancas (Kpoech) – 7:10

Balboas (Senzatela) @ Padres (Clevinger) – 8:40

Doyers (Heaney) @ Giogantes (Webb) – 8:45

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

Argentina

Colón (Santa Fe) hosts Independiente – 7:30

Brasil

 Santos hosyts Fluminese – 6:00

 Bolivia

 Oil Derby!

Independiente Petrolero hosts Oriente Petrolero – 6:30

Per Wiki P, Oriente Petrolero is royalty and Independiente is the nouveau riche of Bolivian fútbol, getting to the top flight last year after toiling for 17 years in the lower divisions of Bolivian fútbol. Which is still pretty high [beat] per altitude.

No, YOU try a zinger. Kiss mah drank.

Colombia

Bucaramanga hosts Deportes Tolima – 6:00

Atlético nacional hosts Deportivo Pasto – 8:05

Uruguay

Peñarol hosts Fénix – 6:00

Ecuador

 9 de Octubre hosts Orense – 7:00

Fun Facts! Per Wiki P, 9 de Octubre was founded on August 25, 1912. 65 days before the date that bears its name. Which, for me, confirms a deep conviction: nothing makes sense. Order is an illusion and I await celebrating Fathers’ Day on Tax Day and Throwback Thursday during Good Friday.

FINALLY,

the NFLPA last night tweeted that they would abide by the decision and not seek an appeal. It also called for the NFL to do the same.

If only it were thus. All appeals are heard by ol’ Code Red, the Commissioner hisself. You can imagine, in light of findings of “unprecedented” “egregious” pervin’ , that the league might just appeal out of spite for being Tut Tut-ed about arbitrary and crowd-pleasing discipline, Roman Colosseum style. They seem to be mulling it: the NFL.com landing page greets you with “Deshaun Watson facing suspension”, which is oddly general.

I think this is over. The NFL has incentive to appeal and White Knight the shit out of sexual politics. The Union will lose and could file a Hail Mary in federal court, but risks a severe legal trouncing and the humiliation of signing a one-sided CBA on discipline. I don’t think the NFL brass is that evil. It is so profitable that it can be mediocre in the guise of “Let’s turn the page” benevolence.

God damn we need games.

All gifs via giphy.com