After the chaos and near-chaos of Week One, one might have expected a return to form. But outside of Arrowhead Stadium (soUrry, Redshirt), it ain’t really happen.
We had a whopping TEN games in the early window, which is asking an awful lot of Scott Muthafuckin’ Hanson and his RedZone crew. They did an excellent job like always, full credit to them. But especially with only 3 late, that’s just poor planning, Shield.
Shield official response – Fuck you, you still watched.
One team has consistently looked Owl worthy, and as we all predicted, that team is…the New Orleans SAINTS?? They went into JerralWorld (he invited MIKE TYSON onto the pitch pre-game, yeeeeehhhhhaaaawwwww), and kicks the Cowpersons’ ass from start to finish. Dallas had one long fluke touchdown pass in Q2, which only seemed to make the Saints mad. Alvin Kamara made them look like a high school front seven. Derek Carr (!) wasdamned close to perfect. Hanson said Carr led New Orleans to points on his first FIFTEEN drives of the season, which is just insane. They didn’t hit 47 again, though. Had to settle for a 44-19 win.
What about Team MRSA? Giving Todd Bowles ample cause to unleash his shit-eating grin, that’s for sure. What a treat that is, even if it means Baker Mayfield is somehow succeeding (still can’t forgive him for those insurance commercials). Baby Buster may have lost his home pitch mojo – he went over 300 yards, but 2 picks and took 55 attempts to do it (which is way, way too much with a run game and OL like Detroit has). Lions go down to a 20-16 defeat, and the Bucs are also 2-0. Fuck LioUns really could be 0-2, and need to figure a few things out.
Perhaps the NFC North isn’t going to lie down for them, after all. All of humanity expected grim results from the Malik Willis interval, but the kid game managed the fuck out of a 16-10 win over the Fat Humps. Richardson was the “very, very bad” of his girl with golden curl persona today, only getting a late TD against a near-prevent. Packers needed their run game and defensing unit to step up, and they both got A+es this week. One down, likely 2-3 more to go, but 1-1 is excellent work under the circumstances.
Minnesota also surprised in a good way, largely smacking the Tomsulas in the mouth from start to finish. Justin Jefferson gimped off with a quad owie, but not after a beautiful 97-yard pick and catch from his Special Young Man new friend (ie, Touch of Downs). Darnold surprisingly didn’t miss a beat without JJ late – recall that #2 catchman Jordan Addison was already out. So…he threw to Jalen Nailor. With SUCCESS? But no, don’t pluck that guy off waivers. He sucks. 23-17 is your deceptively close final, Purdy Mouth also had a gaudy stat line unreflective of his uneven performance. Minny 2-0 and that head-to-head over Santa Clara could prove valuable. The 1 seed looks like it will require 11-12 wins, max.*
*mandatory disclaimer that Hippo does a lot of drugs and is wrong an awful lot
Back to the true chaos, you say? The Gardner Misnhew-led Raiders trailed by 10 points with 12 minutes to play, away to the Ratbirds. Somehow, they went FG-TD-FG (after doing basically fuck shit offensively all game – seriously, look at the box score) and won, 26-23. Balmer had the chance to take us to Extra Time, but couldn’t quite get into Tucker range (Tucker having missed from 50+ earlier in the match – Father Time comes for us all). I don’t think anybody had the slightest optimism for Vegas this week, but they go to 1-1 and it’s the Ratbirds in crisis at 0-2.
Commies/Vertically Enhanced Persons was every bid as bad as one might have expected. Difference in the game? Gary Gnu’s in-game injury, causing Noo Tawk to attempt two 2-point conversions (0-2) and eschew at least one medium-range FG attempt. We were knotted up at 18-18 late, via THREE Giants’ TDs, and SIX Austin Seibert FGs. Was Jayden Daniels great? No. But he showed something, and impressively didn’t press. Fittingly, he took his charges steadily down the field for the winning/7th Saubert FG. 21-18, a game so ugly that only Mark Schlereth could broadcast it (which he did). Brian Daboll is so getting fired.
SeaTruthers and P*ts? A surprisingly really good game, with both squadrons playing much better than expected. New England ran the ball, and Seattle threw it (backwards of their glory years) – with roughly equal efficiency. 20-20 after 60 minutes, and it would be the Truthers with the winning, sudden death FG. This is a pretty solid road win, with the MayoP*ts not the tomato can everyone predicted. I don’t really buy Seattle as a contender, but 2-0 is a nice way to start.
Duuuuuvvvvvaaaaalllll and #ThePauls each really needed a win to lift the malaise surrounding each franchise. Prison Girlfriend came to life in Q4, and almost pulled off a miracle drive to win late. Cleveland was dumb enough, after seemingly sealing the 18-13 win with a safety, forcing Jacksonville to bounce the free kick to try to get the ball back. After all, they’d only have like 30 seconds to work with, but CLE let TheShaun run a pass play on 3rd down. He panicked and threw an incompletion, rather than take a meaningless 5-yard loss/sack. PG led the Jags all the way to the 32 before having to enter Hail Mary mode. But #ThePauls wiggled off the hook, and limp to 1-1. Jaguras hop on the 0-2 lifeboat with their Maryland-based pals.
Once again, I thought DonT’s tits were perking up for most of the game, as they established a 2-score lead over the Q-aron Just Asking Questions Jest. Once again, Will Levis made a brain-dead mistake to let his opponent off the mat. This week, Levis at least rallied late and almost pulled off the tying score. But Tennessee comes up short, l osing 24-17. That defense can’t be happy, shutting down a semi-hyped offense for a 2nd straight week (Q-aron under 6.0 YPA, Breece Hall kept in check) but staring at an 0-2 hole.
Last and least of the early round…poor, broken Bryce Young and his sadsack Panthers. Less embarrassing than Week One, but perhaps only due to Lesser Harbs’ conservative offensive script (Herbert the Duck also picked up an owie, but returned to manage the game to its conclusion). 26-3, Clippers. The less said about this travesty of an organization, the better. Clips are 2-0, but still on their way to 8-9. Eventually, they’ll have to throw, and/or face a non-bottom 5 offense.
Big. Exhale. To the late 3-pack.
Two of the games were a wet bag of shit. Donks hosting the Yinzers? Absolutely as expected. Strawberry Fields (game manager edition) ran out to a 13-nil lead, and Mike Tomlin played out his most erotic FITBAW dreams the rest of the way. Pittsburgh 100% played on offense and defense to JUST NOT FUCK UP, which was more than sufficient to grab a 13-6 road win. You could just hear his brain going “we DO NOT care” as they hit the under and then some. I say this with the greatest respect – he’s a fantastic head coach. As opposed to the fat fuck who kicked a FG after the 2:00 warning, with only one timeout left, then refused to onside kick (down 7). He got the ball back (after a predictable 3 and out, where Tomlin wisely called safe runs designed to stretch the clock out, with no risk) at his own 20 with nine goddamned seconds to play. Yeah, he’s SUCH a genius, for having Breesus Christ fall into his lap. Like twenty years ago. Long time to be living off that.
RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! went into the desert (on a horse with no name, presumably) for a 41-10 laugher. But no, maker of assumptions – it was the Wee Kyler Qards who got the 41, putting this game into garbage time like halfway through Q3. Marvin Harrison? You paid if you benched him after his Week One stinker. He had his a buck-thirty and two scores 7 minutes into the game, and coasted afterwards. Everyone with a weird bird on their helmet looked like an all-pro. The Gospel According to Fatthew turned it over (only once but felt like MOAR), held the ball too long, and saw Cooper Kupp leave with an ankle issue. Ruh-roh. I don’t see LA’s finest climbing out of this year’s hole.
Of course, we got lots of narrative in the Chefs 26-25 win over Team WKRP. I won’t go into much detail, it will just make me mad. Suffice to say KC got every borderline call, Cincy caught zero breaks, including a weak BLEERGH on 4th and 16 (the DB was going for the ball, as he is entitled to do). Their asshole placement kicker is good from 51 at the death, because we cannot have nice things. Mahomes was not good in this game – put a pin in that observation and see if it becomes a trend.
Still, onward we march to SNF, 500s and Bearistocrats! HOW FUN!! I join the game 10 minutes late, because there was too much shit to type up from earlier. I missed a Fairbairn placement, but no worries. There would be MOAR. Both defensive lines kind of wreaked havoc, despite the quartered backing narrative. But in the end, the imaginary 500s were just too much for Chi**** to handle. Better luck Week 3, Caleb!
