Well, this here is the last marathon, until next season (absent the heat death of the universe, which I think we’d all welcome).
As a departure, let’s start with the ending – the only game with real stakes, Minny at Detroit. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. Vikes have the best single player (Jefferson), and the more complete roster (due to DET injuries). But then again, DET has the (slightly) better quartered back in Baby Buster, and the best single position group (OL). To the action!
It was mostly defensing in the first half, especially Detroit when backed inside the red zone. 10-6 lead for the home side, but neither team could find a rhythm.
It seemed like maybe Minny was finding its sea legs first. But they went brick wall inside the 5, then long FG. Detroit finally put a drive together, and hit a TD pass to Gibbs on 4th and inches. Minny missed an even longer FG the next possession, then dropped a possible pick 6. Gibbs scored for a thrice-th time for 24-9, and that’ll do. Then el quatro made it 31-9 with 5 to play, and Hippo goes nighty-night.
As to the early happenings, well, Greatest Living American Scott Hanson did a masterful jorb with what he had to work with. And the 2 items of consequence (NFC South and WAS/GB for the 6 seed) did toss and turn over the course of 3 hours, and all hit their climax (PHRASING) almost simultaneously.
After digging themselves a 10-point halftime hole, the home MRSA men finally, in fits and starts, lurched into a 20-19 lead. After forcing a punt, they then went on a grinding march, converting 3rd and long after 3rd and long, bleeding the game clock almost dry. But rather than slide at the 1, Bucky Irving took the TD to give Tampa a 27-19 lead. N’Awlins kept fighting, and got inside the MRSA 40 before turning it over on downs. That clinched the division, and ultimately sufficed to earn the 3 seed.
Which was almost superfluous, as the Black Panthers showed up, and showed up yuuuuugggge. Sherman’s Ashes seemed less in peril than MRSA for most of the game, but Charlotte kept pulling back into the lead. Penix thrusted his men into the end zone late to tie us at 38, right about when Megatorn’s Butthole learned of Tampa’s win. Wee Bryce won the toss, and won the game on a 7+ minute TD drive, 44-38. This showing would have won Hippo’s fantasy league. LAST WEEK. Sigh. But there’s sommet to work with for 2025, at least. Gutty showing.
Meanwhile, Green Bay needed to win (home to Chi****) and get help. They got neither. The Bearistocrats! led almost all the way, only to blow it via late fumble and 55-yard McManus FG (as the Packer offense couldn’t even manage a single first down after the gift). But the Packers? Well, they blew back – HARD. Penalties to give their foes a chip and a chair. Finally, on 4th and 12 with just 15 seconds remaining, a beautiful play design, perfectly executed. Trips to the right, but Caleb tossed a dime on a deep seam route to the left. Receiver goes JUST far enough to get into plausible FG range, everyone holds their nerve for a spike at 0:02. But Santos still had to make – in the elements – from 51. But he did (to everyone’s shock), Chi**** gets theor first win in 12 tries against their rivals, 24-22.
At the very instant that FG sailed through the uprights, Marcus Mariota hit Terry McLaurin on the last shot (before they would have tried a tying FG) to win 23-19, in JerralWorld. The nameholder can’t be happy to end on a home loss to the Commies’ backups (primarily), but no word yet on BlueBunny’s firing. WAS will get the 6, and a trip to Tampa. GB is stuck going to Philly.
The P*ts unveiled their 3rd stringer, Paradise Lost, and the Tennessee alumnus went apeshit on the Bills’ reserves. Seriously, they might have sommet there. Even won the game, 23-16. But Jared Mayo didn’t even make it to Afrikan-American Monday, getting the sack while RedZone was still on. Ouch.
The Last Dance Legend of White Mac managed to take the Fat Humps to OT, but Indy ended up winning, 26-23. Good for them, I guess?
New England’s pyrrhic victory is Tennessee’s gain, as they’ll pick #1 overall after a limp home loss to the 500s, 23-14. Deion is going to have a hissy fit.
After last week’s moonbat shit, Horse Cock Lock turned back into…himself. Vertically Enhanced Persons lose to Philly’s backups, 20-13. They’ll still pick 3rd, after the Tits and #ThePauls. Could have been worse.
That leaves the late afternoon, with the biggest question being whether Kansas City would make a go of things in Mile High. Uh…no. They tanked in such tankety fashion that an NBA team would have blushed. Donks led 14-nil almost instantly, and won 38-0. That precious 7 seed goes to the mango and navy, off to get their shit pushed in by the Bills Mafia. But still a very good season, given the state of the roster.
WKRP did get the other piece of the puzzle, with Miami faceplanting in the Meadowlands. Q-aron got TD pass #500 after all (NOT to Davante), and gets to retire on a win (32-20), unless he’s dumb enough to try squeezing out another year.
That leaves a bit of seeding work, with the Clips wrapping up the golden ticket to HOU (as the 5), winning 34-20 in Vegas. LIke the rest of the window, drama was minimal.
RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! did manage to lose the 4 seed, falling 30-25 to the visiting SeaTruthers. I really wasn’t paying attention, but LA was indeed playing backups. They’ll host the pissed off Vikings as a result.
Finally, the Qards treated their dozens of home fans to a fine sendoff, thrashing the decimated Tomsulas, 47-24. Wee Kyler is a beast when nothing’s on the line. What a day for the stature-challenged in the NFL quartered backery.
