Resist the Temptation of Optimism: Tuesday Open Thread

Late at night, she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no but
It’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go
I may be dumb but I’m not a dweeb
I’m just a sucker with no self-esteem

The Offspring, “Self Esteem”

That’s it, right? The true test of bodhisattva-like rejection of earthly attachments come not during suffering, but during temptation. It would be soooo easy to see the Bills shredding the Texans defense- the defense that drew comparisons to the 85 Bears and the 2000 Ravens- with relative ease and fall right off the wagon (and onto the bandwagon).

I must maintain my composure. No matter how glorious it was to see CJ Stroud go Full Sad Brady at the end.

For the good of the Bills as well as my psyche, it is imperative that I remain in a state of No Expectations.

Until Friday, anyway. If they tear the Lions a new kneecap-hole Thursday night to open The GriftFort, I might lose my shit.

RANDOM NEWS:

-Sam Darnold’s hip is fine!

Unfortunately he has a deeply mysterious and frankly more-concerning “unique soft tissue injury” according to the team.

DROP THE NEEDLE, DJ!

Goddamn, I love this game.

The Seahawks coyly describe the injury as “in the area of his right gluteal.” You know what’s “in the area” of your right asscheek? YOUR SCHLONG! If you have one, of course. I assume if his dick had been ripped clean off, they probably would have put him on IR. Maybe not. I hear they’re doing amazing things with prosthetics these days.

-The Chargers…wow. You had all offseason to a. gameplan for Jacoby Fucking Brissett and b. get all of your precious o-linemen back, and that’s what you came out with? Just…I mean…do you have even ounce of self-respect? How the hell does Jim Harbaugh even talk to this team after a game like that? Has anyone seen Offensive Mastermind Mike McDaniels, or should we send a corpse-sniffing dog to Harbs’ back yard?

-Todd Monken versus Unmuzzled Mike Tomlin might an ongoing highlight this year. Quoting JuJu, he noted mid-bed-shitting that “the Browns is the Browns.” The Todd took exception to this minor barb by Tomlin, who put together defensive gameplans to counter Monken multiple times per year for several years. “We just didn’t play well. That’s one week. That’s not Browns being Browns, that’s Browns being poorly on one week.” Which would be a credible response, presuming you had a traumatic brain injury that prevented you from accessing long term memories. And no access to the internet. And had never seen the Starting QB Jersey of the Damned. It will be Week 18 and Monken will be writing critics off for making too big of a deal out of 16 consecutive one-week losing streaks.

-Jet lag remains undefeated. Sean McVay may be able to scheme his way around Cover 2 Shell, but apoarently he didn’t watch enough tape on circadian rhythms.

-Current frontrunners for Patriots’ QB nicknames are Drake “The Schedule” Maye and Drake Maybe. Vote in the comments below.