Author's Note: This is a piece I started and stopped about a hundred times since last fall. All this is long past now.
We're going to bury my grandfather on Sunday.
He wasn't my "real" grandfather. That is to say, he wasn't the father (or stepfather) of either of my parents. He
Oh dear...it's so sweet it should come with a vial of insulin...I though "ROFL" was just an expression....
Brothers and sisters, we live in an Age of Common Wonders. We can talk instantaneously to someone on the other side of the planet and we think nothing of it. We have computers
BAILIFF: All rise!
JUDGE: Ooooowweeeeeoooo! Now, what do we have before us today?
BAILIFF: There are two cases involving retail theft…
BAILIFF: One resisting arrest….
BAILIFF: 2,604 drunk and disorderlies…
JUDGE: Slow weekend with the Eagles in London.
BAILIFF: One attempted murder…
JUDGE: Just attempted murder?
BAILIFF: Yes, Judge. The victim and the accused were stationed
It's a burden, being right all the time.
I know, I know- I hear you virtually saying "But Mayhem, how could being right all the time be anything but wonderful? You win all the arguments, you hit the stock market like it was Tyreek Hill's baby momma,* and women fall over each
So the Roadrunner's a dick, right?
Wile E. Coyote has some issues of his own, no argument. The ancient Greeks wish they had come up with a hubris myth as simple and powerful as Wile opening an ACME box.
But the Roadrunner is the real villain of the series. Weird Al Yankovic
"So maybe there's hope. Or maybe I'm going mad... In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward mobile — and the rest of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: Not necessarily to Win, but mainly to keep from Losing Completely." -Hunter S. Thompson, The Great
Oh, you lovably chaotic Lions. Like the drunk toddler of the NFC North, you stagger into the coming season. No sense of what you're doing, where you're headed or why you're screaming. Don't ask why. Just enjoy the dance.
Because I am not a Lions fan, and because their players no
PROJECTED RECORD: 4-2
So for the Lions Season Preview, I wasted your time with an extended discussion of Film. It thus seems only appropriate that I begin the Bye Week Bonanza on a literary note. In his novel A Dirty Job, Christopher Moore describes his protagonist as a “Beta Male”
PROJECTED RECORD AT THIS POINT: 1-4
So I was all set for it, right? It would be just like a normal Bills season, only we’d be losing semi-on-purpose instead of on the team’s own (lack of) merits. How much harder could it be?
I’d done what I could to get into
Holy shit, you guys, I can't remember going into a Bills regular season so stoked about their chances to Make Some Noise since... well, certainly since the expiration date on my collectable box of Flutie Flakes!
Yes, it's been a long playoff drought. The Drought can now legally drive and get
Quarterback intends to buy the entirety of the City of Detroit; unsure what to do with remaining $130 million
(Puts on Vince Mancini hat, dusts off Armond White’s seminal work, “Ethnic Frisson: Pretentiously Overbearing Pontification in Mid-Pre-Post-Modern Cinematic TruthBombing”)
I am continually fascinated by Detroit in the context of movies.
It’s now a tired cliché of dime-store film school refugees and bored-as-shit-on-a-film-junket directors to talk about how New York City is