I'd like to say I'm giving a shit about football this week. Realistically, I don't know if I could possibly give less of a fuck. Yesterday, Canada lost one its greatest sons, and one of the greatest men this country has ever known. While we knew this day was coming
Holy cow! That was intense! Like, that Moose guy found these cannibals trying to eat this brain guy, and then this old cannibal lady showed up and hacked him real good with a big ol' axe! There's popcorn all over the car now...you feel a little sheepish about getting so
The scene: The Secret Base on the Island of Doktor Zymm! Specifically, right outside of the secret base, where there's a yard sale in progress. Ninjas and techs are looking through the variety of toasters, clocks, beakers, centrifuges, weights, televisions... Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is sitting at a table with
I'm doing a stupid thing on Saturday, and I encourage you all to join me in this endeavour if you so please. If you want to follow along live while I do so, be sure to follow me on Twitter at @TSN_Jorts. I'll probably be starting around 1 PM EST,
How you managed to get a date with Debbi Jo Sopinsky is still a minor miracle, but you did! And now here you are, sitting at the Vista Vue drive-in, waiting for the double-feature to start. It's going to go a lot better than your last date. I mean, it
The Ezekiel Elliott appeal had its hearing before a federal panel on Monday.
A three-judge panel with the U.S. 5th Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans is reviewing the NFL's request for an emergency stay of an injunction issued by a lower court in the Elliott case.
The scene: The Iguana Mart of the Future! While the rest of the DFO has been up to their ears in trouble, Low Commander has been gathering up supplies and is now in a checkout line with a yuuuge cart full of future-stuff. Warblefunk is playing over the sound system.
The scene: The future! A time centuries from now, when mankind has survived countless wars, disasters and Zymm-related incidents to...well, maybe not thrive, exactly. I mean, it's more like mankind is still kicking around on a planet that's become pretty darn weird. Until recently Emperor Moose ruled with an iron
The scene: The Secret Base on the Island of Doktor Zymm! Ballsofsteelandfury is walking down the hallway with Moosemas Gorilla, Jerry and BFC.
BFC: We appreciate the tour! This place is yuuuge!
Ballsofsteelandfury: No problem. I figured you guys should know your way around a bit.
Jerry (walking toward a door): Hey,
The scene: The secret base on the Island of Doktor Zymm! Specifically one of the hallways in said base, where Jerry and BFC are wandering around.
Jerry: This place is yuuuge! This is bigger than that resort we stayed at in Veracruz.
BFC: Uh...yeah. That was a prison, not a resort, remember?
The scene: Outer space, where a magical chariot is hurtling through the open void. And just calling it a chariot is an understatement. This thing is wicked cool, bro. It's a metallic red with golden trim and racing flames, with yuuuge gold rims that look like they came off of
The scene: The Godverse, where deities both ancient and forgotten hang out. Currently there's a party in full swing at Bruce the Shark-Headed god's mansion. The ancients are digging the cool tunes (mostly Dick Dale and the Del-Tones, Booker T & the MG's and Santo & Johnny...Bruce has a great