![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
Good evening. My name is Senor Weaselo, and as some of you know, I play a lot of Jewish events. Weddings, shows, other, you name it.
Despite this, as the Lubovitch have found out in disbelief numerous times when they ask if I want to partake in various religious customs and I’ve had to decline, I am not Jewish. Religious musicians oftentimes are not the same denomination as their work. Padre Weaselo plays at a Baptist church. Hell, I would’ve gone to the Mormon temple and sat in, but they told me on the F train one time that they don’t pay their musicians, they do it for the love of the church, and I had to decline. Also, it would have been awkward strolling in with, like, a matcha latte or something. And by awkward I mean also hilarious.
‘Tis the season (one of the two, the other’s Easter of course) where the churches also get to hire a bunch more musicians, which leads to busy (and happy, on account of almost okay paid) musicians. Saturday afternoon I played a Christmas concert, then Saturday night I played a Jewish show. (I have not gotten into any Muslim events to finish my Abrahamic punch card… yet. But never say never.) And I’m Christmas Eve involves me playing a double. 8:15 carols concert & 9:00 Mass, then going to my friend’s church to play Midnight Mass.
I do like playing Christmas stuff because I actually know the words, so there’s a little bit of fun there. But not all Christmas music is created equal, like that accursed drummer boy. (I unfortunately didn’t make it this year.) There are, of course, songs, like the stuff you’ll normally hear on the radio, and carols, not of the Baskin variety. Often you’ll hear them at church, or maybe other places. That’s the shit we’re ranking tonight, in part because Don T started working on the popular side of things this morning. Does the line blur between carol and song? Yes. May there be debates of what is or isn’t a carol? Yeah, I guess. Am I going to get crucified on this? No, because that’s Good Friday and Easter, wrong holiday.
Without further ado, a non-exhaustive ranking, hopefully better than Classic FM. O Holy Night as #1? I don’t know about that.
First off, let’s go through the dreck, because to sort it all out I made a tier list so I’d get my top [X] from there. You know what? 12 days of Christmas, we’ll make it a top 12 for when we get there. But first, the chaff, from bad to okay:
Drummer Boy Tier: Self-explanatory
The Little Drummer Boy
Not a fan: You may like it, but I don’t, and it’s my list.
Here We Come A-wassailing
The Holly and the Ivy
Personent Hodie (A bit of a surprise, because I like me a good plainchant, but this ain’t it.)
Meh:
Good King Wenceslas (as opposed to Good King Kong Looked Out)
O Come, O Come Emmanuel
O Little Town of Hackensack Bethlehem
Away in a Manger
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
Infant Holy, Infant Lowly
Star of the East
In dulci jublio
All Through the Night
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Somewhat honorable mentions:
Still, Still, Still
Once in Royal David’s City
We Three Kings of Orient Are
I Saw Three Ships
The First Noel
We Wish You a Merry Christmas (loses points for holding us at song point for figgy pudding, also not sure if it counts as a Carol but Wikipedia counts it)
Definitely honorable mention: (Also known as #s 13 and 14)
Ding Dong Merrily on High (it’s just a lesser version of one of the Angels We Have Heard on High)
I Wonder as I Wander
12. In the Bleak Midwinter
We underrate Gustav Holst, who wrote things other than The Planets.
11. Silent Night
10. The Twelve Days of Christmas
I thought about making the top 12 the names of the things in the 12 days of Christmas, but decided against it.
9. What Child is This?
Fine, fine, it gets hard-carried by being Greensleeves. But Greensleeves is pretty good, and I’m not just saying that because I played it last week.
8. Joy to the World
Also because this is the part where the service usually ends and therefore you can go home. But also the men/women tradeoff in the latter half of each verse is fun. Granted, this may also be because of the first sentence, but it’s my list, dagnabit.
7. O Tannenbaum (Oh, Christmas Tree)
Be glad I didn’t post “Oh Christmas Troy” or, of course, “Decemberween.” Remember, don’t drink Listerine, kids.
6. Carol of the Bells
Or, of course…
Those of you still in the LBDC, you’re welcome, because the entire joke starts with a Little Drummer Boy joke, but someone was able to cut it.
5. O Holy Night
Regrettably, not O Holy Crap. I want to sing this, and at the last big leap of “O night divine,” just… send it. Like, sing the entire song in the lower part of my register, then, boom, falsetto. Three octave leap. Only because I would end up never being able to speak again if I tried four octaves.
4. Angels We Have Heard on High
It’s not Christmas until you hear someone singing “Glooooooooooooooooooooria in excelsis Deo”
3. I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Ooh, finally some controversy! Like, does this count? Well, I’ve played it in church, so yes. Something about it gets me misty, maybe the political climate.
2. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Felix Mendelssohn? Check. Descant? Check. Good usage in pop culture because of the gravity it has? Check. I tell you, Mendelssohn converting at least gave us this and the “Reformation” Symphony. (Fuck Wagner regardless, though.)
1. O Come, All Ye Faithful
Four words: Word of the Father.
The stankest chord in all of Christmas, only appearing in the 7th verse. Okay, it’s just a B half-diminished (that’s a minor 7 flat 5 to the jazz cats out there), but you’ve been hearing a B minor chord the previous times. Plus, the descant in the 6th verse (where actually the relevant spot is a G Major chord).
News
-Taylor Heinicke will start for the Falcons for the rest of the season. Yeah, they’re (also) fucked. Arthur Blank “will let the season play out” on Arthur Smith, aka, win the division or kindly get the fuck out.
-In New Jersey news, Tommy Cutlets (aka Dr. Mantis Toboggan aka Tommy DeVito) still went to the pizzeria. Unpaid, to boot. Meanwhile, the Jets are activating Aaron Rodgers, but officially just to practice. Still remarkable, and I look forward to this same shit happening next year, because fuck you, Woody Johnson, that’s why.
Sports?
Hockey Night (before Zaslav shelves it for “tax write-offs”)
Not Horsies vs. Ovi’s Corpse’s Pursuit of Gretzky (NYI vs. WSH, 7:30, TNT)
Fightin’ Ayos vs. FTK (SEA vs. LAK, 10:00, TNT)
JV Hoopsy
Teams you hate for various reasons! Baylor vs. Duke (ESPN, 7:00)
The n+1 Musketeers vs. Fightin’ Weaselos (Xavier vs. St. John’s, FS1, 7:00)
Northweastern vs. ASS U (Northwestern vs. Arizona St., ESPN2, 8:30)
Future Knicks vs. Fightin’ Barrels (Villanova vs. Creighton, FS1, 9:00)
Tweaker Matchup! Pregaming for New Year’s vs. Fat Dog for Winter Break (Alabama vs. Arizona, 11:00, ESPN)
JV WNBA
UConn vs. Toronto Metropolitan Bold (FS2, 6:00)
———
I look forward to your opinions in the comments.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.