Please Gamble Responsibly

On Labour Day Weekend,  my lazy Saturday started with a vigorous masturbation session and only got better from there. On Hippo's JV Footy Open Thread, https://doorfliesopen.com/2018/09/01/jv-nfl-2018-kickoff-posting/ he encouraged us commentists to spice up our game-watching activities by making some wagers. Redshirt and I stepped up as UCLA and Cincinnati were playing each other at

2018 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Preview

*Camera goes on to reveal Donald Trump inside Trump Tower late at night. Trump is holding and reading from his ipad, with a smile on his face, until he reads the latest headline on AOL's main page* Trump in a sarcastic voice: Oh you really nailed me there, Oliver. I've been

Sexy Soccer Saturday Open Thread – The REAL Fútbol Begins

So,  last week, King Hippo took you through the beginning of the English Premier League (EPL). In addition to the EPL, the French league,  Ligue 1, started last weekend. Here are the standings for both leagues: Meanwhile,  La Liga and Serie A BOTH start this weekend while the German Bundesliga starts play

Farewell, Sweet Prince: World Cup Day 13

Good morning! Thank you for coming. I hope you had your cup of Joe and are ready for some intense lesser footy action. Group C and D will finish their group play today. As I was on my way home from work yesterday, I began reflecting on which World Cups I

Russia 2018–World Cup Day 5: Navigating Monday

Dodging work on Monday is especially difícil.  FFS, I actually have a conference call scheduled for this afternoon.  I for reals have to talk to other carbon-based life forms on the fucking phone, during the World Cup.  SIGH.  First World problemos.  Anyway, above is Tunisian Kenza Fourati, because reasons ok! Group F -

Russia 2018–World Cup Day 3: Father’s Day Edition

Feliz Dia del Padre everyone! Unlike in North America where Father’s Day is celebrated on the 3rd Sunday of June, most Latin American countries celebrate Father’s Day on June 17th. Yes, no matter what day it is, as long as it is the 17th of June, it’s Father’s Day. Short story: Long

World Cup 2018 Japan Preview: A Monstrous Mess

Japan is a really cool country that everyone should visit in their lifetime because it has just about everything a person can ask for. It's an ancient culture that is on the cutting age of technology. And they have a ton of weird shit--including sea creatures that eat from their ass.

World Cup 2018 Panama Preview: The Dirtiest Players in the Game

Panama is an interesting team (on paper) because their World Cup tournament could go one of two ways. The first way is what most people are predicting: the oldest and arguably least talented squad in the tournament is going to finish last and will be lucky to score a goal.

World Cup 2018 South Korea Preview: So you’re saying there’s a chance

*Scene opens to a pitch black room. All you can see is black and the sounds of an older man grunting* Old Man breathing heavily: Oh yeah, that little black dress is getting a little uncomfortable. Take it off, baby. *The sound of pumping Vaseline can be heard* OM: Oh yeah, almost there,

World Cup 2018 Costa Rica Preview: Mangoes FOAR All!

Costa Rica is a delightful Central American nation.  Friendly people, tropical weather without the bullshit Carnival Cruise tourismo atmosphere to trigger the shit out of one's white guilt.  I thoroughly enjoyed my Divorcemas trip there several years ago.  They have a saying for how the peoples live - "la pura

World Cup 2018 Brazil Preview: The Redeem Team

Brazil is a scary, scary team. In the 2014 World Cup, Brazil was in an awkward transition stage where the lost/disgraceful generation of Brazilian players stepped down for the new era of players to take over. Most notably, despite being 22 years old, Brazil became Neymar’s team. This in itself

World Cup 2018 Croatia Preview: It feels a little like ’98

It seems like yesterday when I was a kid watching Croatia make their World Cup debut in 1998. I remember thinking their checkered jerseys were cool. Combine those sweet uniforms with Davor Šuker's cheeky skills and I was rooting for Croatia during their magical 3rd place finish. I think there is a great