TWIFY: Qatar. Today’s Copa América team Preview

 Wakezilla sitting in the back of a limo while his driver, a black male, has a stressed look on his face, is driving on Salwa road in Doha, Qatar. Wakezilla: Marhaba! Assalamu Alaikum my DFO friends! Your pal Wakezilla recently got a life changing promotion that required me to move to

We need to talk about last night’s Paradise Hotel: Chlamydia Stew

I swear to you that I have better taste. I do not just exclusively watch skanky reality television. Last night, I had finished dinner and I was perusing the channel guide when I saw that Paradise Hotel was airing on FOX. Unlike with Temptation Island, I had never seen

A Tradition Like Any Other: Augusta National Can F*** Right Off

Here's a secret: I despise the dipshits who run Augusta National Golf Club. Glad-handing, misogynist dickheads who use the ideas of "tradition" and "the old ways" to actively make their golf tournament as white as possible. IT'S A GOLF TOURNAMENT YOU FUCKING FUCKS. Fuck these people with Satan's chainsaw wang. Yeah,

So Much Lesser Footy, So Much HATE

Yes, that obnoxious bleating Geordie will be creaming his knickers all over Real and Barca this afternoon (2:45 EST, BeIn).  Yet another el Clasico, coming off the heels of a dull as dishwater Copa tie mid-week.  Same location, even. But my blood is up, yet again, for the Merseyside Derby (Sunday,

CrimeBeat!: Patriots Schadenfreude Day Edition

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear...it's so sweet it should come with a vial of insulin...I though "ROFL" was just an expression.... Brothers and sisters, we live in an Age of Common Wonders.  We can talk instantaneously to someone on the other side of the planet and we think nothing of it. We have computers

Celebrity Super Bowl Picks: Tomi Lahren

Many news organizations and pop culture websites report Super Bowl picks from today's hottest celebrities. Here at DoorFliesOpen, we decided to request picks from horrible people instead. Hatemongering attention whore Timmi Latrine answered the call and submitted this poorly-worded screed for our amusement. This is entirely unedited and in her

Why no one in LA gives a **** about the Chargers

As i'm writing this,  the Fox crew is still showing highlights of the Patriots' convincing win over the Chargers in the Divisional Round.  No one in LA except the players,  the coaches,  and their families is particularly upset about it. You may ask yourself why. It's actually

Sunday Morning Wild Card Hippo Thoughts y Roundtable

Did y'all somewhat enjoy the "action" yesterday?  Buckle up, they's MOAR comin' - like a 70s key party. We started with an imaginarium hosting yet another Saturday afternoon fixture, defying all conventional notions of physics.  Chalk this win up to an amazing game plan on both sides of the Humps'

A Round Man’s Roundtable (Saturday Fixtures) – Also FA Cup/Lesser Footy Open Thread

I am in no way, shape, or form going to try to lay out the structure or matchups involved in the English FA Cup.  I know Everton's home tie with Lincoln City is on ESPN+ at 10:00.  Surely, I will watch it and bitch heartily. No, we will collect the hivemind