HAPPY FUN BRAIN SCREAMING TIME: A Buffalo Bills Season Preview!

Holy shit, you guys, I can't remember going into a Bills regular season so stoked about their chances to Make Some Noise since... well, certainly since the expiration date on my collectable box of Flutie Flakes! Yes, it's been a long playoff drought. The Drought can now legally drive and get

Football Fans in the Underworld: Your 2017 Jets Preview

Greetings. For this preview we went down below. Way down below. I mean, WAYYYYYY way down below. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-7IHOXkiV8 …Sure. Let's go with that. In actuality, we've given Cerberus three steaks (for each of his mouths to feed on so maybe he'll let us back through) and called upon the ferryman Charon for his

A TOAST TO BLEERGH: Your 2017 New England Patriots Preview

[INT. - A dark, candlelit dungeon appears slowly in the dim light. A hooded figure sits alone at a rough-hewn wooden table, with stacks of ancient, leather-bound volumes piled high. All of a sudden, a frantic knock is heard through a heavy, wooden door.] SMALLER HOODED FIGURE: My Lord, I’ve found it!

CrimeBeat!: Detroit Lions Season Preview Edition

(Puts on Vince Mancini hat, dusts off Armond White’s seminal work, “Ethnic Frisson: Pretentiously Overbearing Pontification in Mid-Pre-Post-Modern Cinematic TruthBombing”) I am continually fascinated by Detroit in the context of movies. It’s now a tired cliché of dime-store film school refugees and bored-as-shit-on-a-film-junket directors to talk about how New York City is

Complacent Indifference: Packers 2017 Preview

Above: Your author, 5 p.m. Wednesday. Three hours after finding out he missed his deadline. There’s a good reason I’m late with this. A very good reason I’m putting a quarter-ass effort into this half-ass preview. Much like the team I'm writing about, I forgot to care. I need to be

The​ ​2017​ ​Jacksonville​ ​Jaguars​ ​Team Preview:​ ​A​ ​franchise​ ​misunderestimated

  -------------------------------------------------------------------------- We begin with a simple quiz: How many of these players are still active on the jaguars roster? I’ll give you a minute to go through it.... Braden Albert Toby Gerhart Julius Thomas Luke Joeckel Maurice Jones-Drew Chris Clemons Marcus Stroud Marquis Cooper Brandon Marshall Josh Scobee Blaine Gabbert Ziggy Hood

Chicago Bears 2017-2018 Preview

Today is a weird day. Not just in the DFO Clubhouse either. All across America today, PERHAPS EVEN RIGHT NOW, the moon is blocking out the sun.   What greater metaphor for the 2017 Bears Football Season than that?!  Abandon all hope ye who enter this season as Bears fans. In these

2017 Indianapolis Colts Preview

For your 2017 Indianapolis Colts preview, I had an imaginary conversion with myself.  Enjoy. So the Colts, huh.  Didn't they used to be good? The Indianapolis Colts, né Baltimore Colts, have quite a storied history.  The team began as the Miami Seahawks of the All America Football Conference in 1946 and were