Pissing Up God’s Flagpole: Your 2019 Detroit Lions Preview

[Author's Note: So this is it. The End. The final preview before the NFL meat grinder spins up to turn convert the bodies of healthy(ish) young men into Entertainment. Après moi le déluge de merde. Get hype.] Wyandotte. Shit. I'm only in Wyandotte. Every time, I think I'm going to wake up back in Midtown.... Everyone

Why I Won’t Be Watching The NFL This Year: Your 2019 Homeless Raiders Season Preview

In Big Daddy Balls' 2016 edition of "Why Your Team Sucks" for the Chicago Bears, the fan responses were a pretty standard collection of laments about the team's ineptitude and fan culture.  Not exactly the place you'd look for a true revelation.  But I found one there, and it took

Love me them uprights. Eagles Preview

I have gathered the DFO luminaries Gratliff and WhyEaglesWhy to assist me in breaking down the coming season. Q - How was your summer? Gratliff: I have not seen a sporting event I care about since the Flyers were eliminated in mid-March. I want to die.  WhyEaglesWhy: WELL ACTUALLY, it’s winter here in the Land

Tripping Over The Light Fantastic; or A Desperate Plié: Your All-Dancing 2019 Buffalo Bills Season Preview

[Author's Note: As promised/threatened, this year's Buffalo Bills Season Preview will be conducted in the medium of interpretive dance. Yes, I know it's particularly inappropriate for Buffalo, which has no cheerleaders but a thriving post-angioplasty community.  Expand your minds and get some culture, you barbarian savages.] Your 2018 Buffalo Bills: 6-10,

Your 2019 Seattle Seahawks Preview

Rainy City Football Chums Walkthrough Here we are at the beginning of another new season and lo, what promise it holds. More replays! Endless delays! And despite all this, many missed calls. Makes you wonder why you sat and watched three idiots blathering in a booth about a microscopic difference in

Santa Clara Diet: A San Francisco 49ers Preview

[Author's Note: In support of DFO's efforts to maintain its position at the bleeding edge of Blog Innovation, I have chosen to conduct this preview as a Pre-Post-Modern Impressionist visual meditation on man's inhumanity to man. Please tune in tomorrow for the Bills preview, which will be in the form

Preseason LiveBlog: It’sHereIt’sHereIt’sHereIt’sHere!

It's TIME, biznitches! Pre-Preseason Football is upon us. It is time to anesthetize ourselves to our misgivings and celebrate the unifying factor that brought us all here- NFL FOOBAW!!! WHEN AND WHERE TO WATCH: 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. God Fearing Time. NBC. WHERE: Canton, Ohio, because it is the "Hall of Fame Game."

Your Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

[kid's entertainer walks onto stage to rabid applause] Entertainer: "HELLO OUT THERE, ALL MY LITTLE POOPSTERS!" Audience: "HELLO CAPTAIN SHITSTAIN!" C-Stain: "Oh! It's so lovely to see all my friends. There's Dookie in the front row." [camera pans to excited child wearing a "Don't Shit Where You Eat" t-shirt] C-Stain: "Boy, have I got a

2018 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Preview

*Camera goes on to reveal Donald Trump inside Trump Tower late at night. Trump is holding and reading from his ipad, with a smile on his face, until he reads the latest headline on AOL's main page* Trump in a sarcastic voice: Oh you really nailed me there, Oliver. I've been