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Ian Scott McCormick

Ian Scott McCormick

Ian is a New Yorker, a father, a husband, a sports fan. He covers a variety of subjects but really only appreciates burgers and cola.
Ian Scott McCormick

Let’s watch that beautiful clip again.

OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

How’s that taste, Philly? Is it good? Is it horse shit in the street good? Let’s go to Joel Embiid for his reaction.

Oh what happened, big boy? U SAD BRO? Trust the Grieving Process, homey.

For those of you who don’t follow the playoffs or caught the 45 minute orgasm on Sports Center, the loathsome Philadelphia 76ers loathsome season season has come to a joyous end north of the Border.

This series had everything.

A crazy game ending shot.

The Sixers eating shit.

Embiid crying.

Ben Simmons stealing money.

Embiid crying like a fucking punk.

Get memeing this bullshit right now, Internet.

Fun fact: The Jordan crying meme was from when he was being inducted into the Naismith Hall of Fame. It’s actually a picture of him overcome by the gratitude of the sport recognizing him as one of the immortals.

That picture up there? That’s an internet troll getting bounced from the playoffs in Canada.

Let’s catch up with Joel Embiid now that he’s had a chance to dry his tears.

Oh, you don’t now? Well isn’t that something. Because before you were on The Process about as much as Donald Trump was after Obama’s birth certificate. Good to know. What happened? You used to give a shit eating shout out to “Trust the Process” as a means of saying hello.

Let’s be clear about something: I want to have sex with the outcome of this game. No, that’s not accurate. I want to clone this game, take the clone, grind it up into a fine powder, snort it, rub it on my genitals, and then have sex with the outcome of this game.

IT’S THAT GOOD.

Why so bitter, Ian? Well there was this bullshit.

And this

All all this bullshit

Very cool, bro. You just beat the 6th seed. Clearly The Process is validated. That’s why your fans gladly watched you lose game after game, was it not? So that one day you could beat the 42-40 Brooklyn Nets.

Oh wait, that wasn’t what The Process was for? It was to win an NBA Championship, if not multiple championships? Well keep on processing, jabronis, because it’s not happening this year.

This year he’s getting torched by the Raptor fans, stuffing his stupid Airplane celebration in his Shirley Temple drinking face.

Look at me out here, agreeing with the Most Mediocre Man Alive, Drake. Typically I don’t trust anybody who wears more sweaters than the Menendez Bros, but here I am, right there with him, clowing this punk.

Does this mean that the Process is dead? No. Embiid might win a title one day in Philadelphia. BUT NOT THIS YEAR, HE WONT. In truth, let’s acknowledge that this run isn’t over for them just yet. But they have some decisions to make. Do they resign Tobias Harris, a guy who the Clippers traded away and did fine without, and who did this huge thing in the playoffs this year.

[Insert Tobias Harris highlight here]

Then there’s Jimmy Butler. He’s 30, and he’s a huge fucking dork who does corny garbage all the time and wants to be paid.

There’s Joel Embiid who might one day be able to keep his feet, back and knee healthy enough to play more than 23 minutes in a big game (so long as he can hold off the shits). I mean, maybe a center who is always injured with things like his feet, back and knees will some day just…stop being injured all the time. It could happen.

And then there’s Ben Simmons, who has spent the playoffs stealing money from Philly. Look at this shit.

Sick. He almost averaged 12 points a game. He did shoot 80% in Game 7…on five goddamn shots. I guess he was injured. After all, he only played, oh 42 minutes? He notched 5 assists, which was totally negated by his five turnovers, so all in all, very cool game. And they’re going to have to resign him to the restricted max. They shouldn’t. He’s not that great of a player. But they totally will, because otherwise they’ll have to admit that The Process is falling apart. That’s right, Philly. Invest all of your money in a salary capped league on a guard who shoots about as well as a Storm Trooper, and a center who is always injured. And maybe a spastic dork who is the living embodiment of a lame metaphor exercise held on a mandatory corporate retreat.

“Boys, oil of Ipecac is used to induce vomiting in case poison is swallowed. But this bottle right here is how we get rid of 2019.”

The truth is, you take these victories when they can get them. Philadelphia, or as the sports world knows them “Shitty Boston” will one day win the title in 2081 and there will be Octogenarians who insist “See? The Process works.” But this year? Nope. And by the way, even if they had won it, the city would have burned the next time they went on a 1-5 stretch in November. The Eagles won the Super Bowl, and the QB who did it is living in North Florida (The worst Florida), while their old QB is telling the world that their new QB might be trash, because everybody in that city is an insecure maniac. Bryce Harper has a 0.3 bWAR, by the way. His maid is probably going to bare ass fart on his pillow if he doesn’t hit 3 HRs in his next home game.

The playoffs are good everybody. The Rockets are out. The Celtics can’t win it. Philly is done. Everything that happens from this point on is absolutely fine. Warriors win it yet again? Cool. Toronto shocks the world and invites Drake to dance in the parade? That’s totally fine. I could not care less what happens from this point forward, and will spend my summer celebrating no matter what happens.

Have a great, great summer, Philly.

 

 

 

Ian Scott McCormick
Ian Scott McCormick
Ian is a New Yorker, a father, a husband, a sports fan. He covers a variety of subjects but really only appreciates burgers and cola.
https://ianscottmccormick.com/
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Wakezilla

Those elbows went to the face of Ibaka and Lowry in this series too and not a whistle was blown. Fuck Philly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Quality irrational hate. Vein engorged hate.

WhyEaglesWhy

To be honest, the most hurtful and least accurate part of this is calling us “Shitty Boston”.

Senor Weaselo

I’m okay with this due to laughing at Philly. However, Drake sucks, and therefore, go Bucks.

King Hippo

I think if you like Drake…you are a stripper. Or you have to become one.

Beerguyrob

While I acknowledge & celebrate Ian’s hate, what Canadians now have to put up with is every national sportscast starting with 15 minutes of blowing the Raptors before we get to anything else.
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Game Time Decision

better than blowning the Leafs

King Hippo

To be fair, does anyone still watch sports news? I count on y’all to tell me if sommet happens.

Epic hate, LOVE this post.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This is like how all of those As Seen On TV products are designed for disabled people, but since that market is small, advertisers create some innocuous pretext to convince the rubes that they also need items that are otherwise useful only for those with physical obstacles to overcome or else extreme laziness. This is a cheaper fleshlight. https://twitter.com/Pandamoanimum/status/1127182043635421186

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Anyone up for some self-ownage?

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ballsofsteelandfury

This was beautiful. I was hoping you’d do something with that and you did not disappoint.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The language of hate is the only language the City of Brotherly Love understands

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Just Lurking
Just Lurking

This is very similar to how I feel about James Harden and the Rockets

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I just got served an ad for the following product and I had to discount double-check the date to make sure we didn’t rewind to April 1 somehow.

https://arkaybeverages.com/shop/arkay-alcohol-free-tequila-flavored-drink/

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

On the flipside, I found out yesterday that hard seltzer is a thing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We bought some of that one time. It was terrible. It was like unsweetened Zima.

blaxabbath

Critique:The Process is more akin to Mexico paying for the wall rather than birthersm.

But, HEY, it’s not like those billions earmarked for ballistic defense were ever gonna be needed anyways….

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

When I checked the score yesterday, Ian’s erection shot out of my phone and poked me in the eye.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So many jokes, so little time.

Game Time Decision

I’m not sure if Tobias Harris has no highlights or if they were missed. Either way, I assume he’s forgettable.

Gratliff

Good, lofty hate.

Sharkbait

This is some top quality hate.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Aw, I’ll be the rebuttal. If you’re a sad Sixers fan, or just feeling sad in general, here, have a gif of Paige Spiranac feeding ducks.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

/would watch Paige Spiranac doing anything…
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nomonkeyfun

If more golfers dressed like that, I might consider watching that event.

C’mon, show me Craig Stadler in a skirt and boots.
He probably has bigger boobs than her.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I would definitely watch Paige Spiranac doing her.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit, did I say that out loud?
Meh, screw it….it’s true.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

/Watches GoT, rooting for Dany to do the right thing

“YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!”

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Everybody who recently had a baby girl and named her Daenerys is googling “how to change my kids name”

— Route Combo (@RouteCombo) May 13, 2019

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Okay, this is it. This is the tweet I was looking for. I will take no more questions.

every white woman sad about Daenerys right now definitely voted for Hilary Clinton

— PROBLEMATIC BLACK HOTTIE (@HE_VALENCIA) May 13, 2019

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

His maid is probably going to bare ass fart on his pillow if he doesn’t hit 3 HRs in his next home game.

This is why we pay Ian the big bucks*.

*at Nintendo

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

We would’ve also accepted “Big Buck Hunter tickets from Dave & Buster’s” (Is that a thing? Do I care?)

LemonJello
LemonJello

Goddamm. That is some fine hate flowing through you.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s nice to enjoy some good old-fashioned HATE HATE HATE.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

— Charlottesville city motto since 2017