Latest posts by Ian Scott McCormick (see all)
- The Game of Thrones Finale Was Fine and Everybody Needs to Take a Nap – May 20, 2019
- HAHAHAHAHAHA – May 13, 2019
- Analysis: How The Denver Broncos Have Fixed Their Perceived Problems At Quarterback – May 9, 2019
Let’s watch that beautiful clip again.
How’s that taste, Philly? Is it good? Is it horse shit in the street good? Let’s go to Joel Embiid for his reaction.
Oh what happened, big boy? U SAD BRO? Trust the Grieving Process, homey.
For those of you who don’t follow the playoffs or caught the 45 minute orgasm on Sports Center, the loathsome Philadelphia 76ers loathsome season season has come to a joyous end north of the Border.
This series had everything.
A crazy game ending shot.
The Sixers eating shit.
Ben Simmons stealing money.
Embiid crying like a fucking punk.
Get memeing this bullshit right now, Internet.
Fun fact: The Jordan crying meme was from when he was being inducted into the Naismith Hall of Fame. It’s actually a picture of him overcome by the gratitude of the sport recognizing him as one of the immortals.
That picture up there? That’s an internet troll getting bounced from the playoffs in Canada.
Let’s catch up with Joel Embiid now that he’s had a chance to dry his tears.
Reporter: "Where is 'The Process' right now? And you just played the most minutes you've played in regulation. Are you tired?"
Sixers' Joel Embiid: "I don't give a d— about the process. And, no, I'm not tired." pic.twitter.com/NFRRjafmyF
— Ben Golliver (@BenGolliver) May 13, 2019
Oh, you don’t now? Well isn’t that something. Because before you were on The Process about as much as Donald Trump was after Obama’s birth certificate. Good to know. What happened? You used to give a shit eating shout out to “Trust the Process” as a means of saying hello.
Let’s be clear about something: I want to have sex with the outcome of this game. No, that’s not accurate. I want to clone this game, take the clone, grind it up into a fine powder, snort it, rub it on my genitals, and then have sex with the outcome of this game.
IT’S THAT GOOD.
Why so bitter, Ian? Well there was this bullshit.
All all this bullshit
Very cool, bro. You just beat the 6th seed. Clearly The Process is validated. That’s why your fans gladly watched you lose game after game, was it not? So that one day you could beat the 42-40 Brooklyn Nets.
Oh wait, that wasn’t what The Process was for? It was to win an NBA Championship, if not multiple championships? Well keep on processing, jabronis, because it’s not happening this year.
This year he’s getting torched by the Raptor fans, stuffing his stupid Airplane celebration in his Shirley Temple drinking face.
Look at me out here, agreeing with the Most Mediocre Man Alive, Drake. Typically I don’t trust anybody who wears more sweaters than the Menendez Bros, but here I am, right there with him, clowing this punk.
Does this mean that the Process is dead? No. Embiid might win a title one day in Philadelphia. BUT NOT THIS YEAR, HE WONT. In truth, let’s acknowledge that this run isn’t over for them just yet. But they have some decisions to make. Do they resign Tobias Harris, a guy who the Clippers traded away and did fine without, and who did this huge thing in the playoffs this year.
[Insert Tobias Harris highlight here]
Then there’s Jimmy Butler. He’s 30, and he’s a huge fucking dork who does corny garbage all the time and wants to be paid.
There’s Joel Embiid who might one day be able to keep his feet, back and knee healthy enough to play more than 23 minutes in a big game (so long as he can hold off the shits). I mean, maybe a center who is always injured with things like his feet, back and knees will some day just…stop being injured all the time. It could happen.
And then there’s Ben Simmons, who has spent the playoffs stealing money from Philly. Look at this shit.
Sick. He almost averaged 12 points a game. He did shoot 80% in Game 7…on five goddamn shots. I guess he was injured. After all, he only played, oh 42 minutes? He notched 5 assists, which was totally negated by his five turnovers, so all in all, very cool game. And they’re going to have to resign him to the restricted max. They shouldn’t. He’s not that great of a player. But they totally will, because otherwise they’ll have to admit that The Process is falling apart. That’s right, Philly. Invest all of your money in a salary capped league on a guard who shoots about as well as a Storm Trooper, and a center who is always injured. And maybe a spastic dork who is the living embodiment of a lame metaphor exercise held on a mandatory corporate retreat.
“Boys, oil of Ipecac is used to induce vomiting in case poison is swallowed. But this bottle right here is how we get rid of 2019.”
The truth is, you take these victories when they can get them. Philadelphia, or as the sports world knows them “Shitty Boston” will one day win the title in 2081 and there will be Octogenarians who insist “See? The Process works.” But this year? Nope. And by the way, even if they had won it, the city would have burned the next time they went on a 1-5 stretch in November. The Eagles won the Super Bowl, and the QB who did it is living in North Florida (The worst Florida), while their old QB is telling the world that their new QB might be trash, because everybody in that city is an insecure maniac. Bryce Harper has a 0.3 bWAR, by the way. His maid is probably going to bare ass fart on his pillow if he doesn’t hit 3 HRs in his next home game.
The playoffs are good everybody. The Rockets are out. The Celtics can’t win it. Philly is done. Everything that happens from this point on is absolutely fine. Warriors win it yet again? Cool. Toronto shocks the world and invites Drake to dance in the parade? That’s totally fine. I could not care less what happens from this point forward, and will spend my summer celebrating no matter what happens.
Have a great, great summer, Philly.