As many of you know, I am not a fan of the Los Angeles Rams. As a franchise that left my city, burning bridges and goodwill on the way out, Stan Kroenke and his hairpiece, Kevin Demoff, Roger Goodell, and the rest of the liars and crooks that ignored the NFL’s rules on relocation to squirrel the team out of town can burn in lava.
HOWEVAH, that’s not what we’re here for today, so (DEEP BREATH) let’s talk about the corpse of the Los Angeles Rams and how quickly the “Fuck Them Picks” strategy can build, and destroy, a truly dominant team.
The Rams, famously, won a title in their soulless new stadium 2 seasons ago, and were 5-12 last year, in one of the worst, and most hilarious, seasons by a defending Super Bowl championship. It was blatantly clear that they built the team to coincide with the Super Bowl being held at the new stadium, and anything after that was unimportant. Hence, 2022’s 5-12 season.
(Side note – it’s STILL weird to write out 17 game season results like it’s normal.)
How did the Rams react to this steaming pile of a season, where they lost Matt Stafford, Cooper Kupp and Aaron Donald to injuries during the season? Well, there really wasn’t much that Les “Hired for a great head of hair” Snead could do, as he had traded his first round pick up until approximately the heat death of the universe. So he tried to recoup some of those losses by moving former all-world corner Jalen Ramsey to the Dolphins, but got back a bag of bocce balls and a cuban sandwich, which likely won’t do much to move the needle.
The Rams signed a backup QB, Brett Rypien, and brought in Demarcus Robinson at WR, but since they had no cap space or draft picks, there wasn’t much they could do to add more veteran talent, and they’ve forgotten how to do anything else.
Sean McVay has, hilariously, contemplated retiring and living off that fat Chunky Soup cash every offseason since winning the Super Bowl, always a sign that they’re giving it all. Matthew Stafford and Aaron Donald seem to be doing the same calculus in their heads, and don’t seem long for the organization.
This offseason went so poorly that Kevin Demoff, PROFESSIONAL LIAR, sent an open letter out to the season ticket holders essentially telling them how much the team would suck in 2023. He let them know that the team would still try to win (sounds of me laughing quietly) but would “pull back on our typical approach to help continue our sustained run of success.” This means that they’re going to have to pay attention to the salary cap, keep the few draft picks they still had, and eat salary cap shit to the tune of $72.2 million this season. “We’re the ‘boring’ Rams this year,” said Snead, always a sign of a promising season.
So what could be fun this season for the Rams? Well, Kupp, Stafford and Donald are all back, making the extremely top-heavy Rams roster look slightly less crappy. Kupp is one of the most fun fantasy players to have, so that’s nice.
Stafford is recovering from a concussion and a “spinal cord contusion” which, fuck that and all. Stafford has millions of dollars and a Super Bowl ring, so the decision to come back to get his ass kicked behind a suspect line seems odd, but some people dig that.
Donald is an all-time great, one of the greatest defensive linemen to ever put on a uniform and manhandle an interior guard. He can’t make up for the complete lack of talent around him though, so the defense will be one to play your matchups against.
The best case scenario for the Rams is that McVay coaches them up, Donald dominates, Kupp, who had one of the most ridiculous seasons in NFL receiver history in 2021, does that again, and Stafford stays upright and finds him. Cam Akers looked great down the stretch, and Tyler Higbee is a serviceable tight end, so they may move the ball effectively again.
The worst case for the Rams is that Stafford, Kupp and Donald are all actually washed up. This could actually be the fall of Rome year for the Rams, with the real rebuild starting in 2024 or (gulp) 2025. This could be the worst team in football with one ill-timed injury, which isn’t something that well-built teams usually see.
The truth is, it’ll be somewhere in the middle. BetMGM has them at 6.5 wins this year, which seems like a good compromise between “huge bounceback” and “collapse of society” that seem to be the likely outcomes.
This is a team with no depth, and players in the lineup that have little-to-no experience, but the big dogs will eat some weeks, and they’ll get some wins, particularly early in the season. The Rams are taking their medicine after years of eating candy, and it’s going to taste terrible, but they’ll be better for it in the future.
As a franchise that left my city, burning bridges and goodwill on the way out,
Sorta like how they left my city in the 90s for some shithole Midwestern place. I guess I’m saying har har har.
Or how in ’45 they left the midwest for the west coast.
You’re the only one who was here for that.
Right after I got back from the war.
Yes, they were the Cleveland Rams, but, BUT! The Browns started the year the Rams left for LA, so Cleveland was never without a hometown team.
Until the Browns left.
Not the Rams fault!
Just got a work assignment in Beaumont, and was thinking maybe the HURRIQUAKE had cooled things down enough to consider booking one of those summer golf deals in Palm Springs. Nope!
More appropriate than you know – I actually had a pair of headphones die on me last week while near a large body of water.
I once went to Beaumont, TX on business, (because no one would go there for fun), in September and I have a pretty good idea what the surface of the Sun must feel like.
Although I’m sure the Sun smells a hell of a lot better.
Beaumont seemed like a perfectly decent place the only time I flew there. Now, admittedly, I’m originally from Eastern Europe, so context matters. Also importantly, Brooks Regional was the closest airport when my Cessna’s had multiple “you’re going to die” lights (engine fire + some others) go off over the Gulf.
I mean, if my choices were “Beaumont” or “Pile it into the ground at 250 mph and hope for the best” I’d probably choose Beaumont, too.
Probably.
Beaumont’s probably better now, to be fair. I was there in the mid-90’s and I think the oil industry was in one of its downturns, so Beaumont was mostly boarded up businesses, streets empty of everything but trash, and personal injury law firms.
Pretty much, yeah. In all fairness, I was too busy appreciating the absurdity of the checklist if the engine fire lights go out (basically, secure the affected engine and give the fire extinguisher a try). Unfortunately, the checklist neglected (or even probably still neglects to this day) to mention what happens if both go out at the same time. Luckily, the errors (engine temps were normal, ditto generators, vibration normal… basically everything was peachy, except that the avionics were booking me an interview with St. Peter) I got didn’t correspond to the plane’s behaviour, so I didn’t go too far into my “Please, Deities, if you let me survive..” prayers that I promised something silly 😀
This is Beaumont, CA. I’ve never been there, but I can’t imagine it’s the least bit different from all the West Covina type towns in the Inland Empire.
I assumed that, given that you referenced Palm Springs, but people mentioned the other one that I’ve had the pleasure of visiting. Also, the mention of West Covina triggered a PTSD flashback over ‘ere from the time my wife forced me to watch with her Crazy Ex Girlfriend, so uhh.. not cool? 😛
It’s not as nice as West Covina. At least they have an Ikea! Think more like, say, Yucaipa.
I would hold off on that, until maybe October. Although I think there is a golf course that has night golfing out here somewhere, I’ll see if I can find it.
Indio. It’s called The Lights at Indio, or something like that.
Entire day of disbursement of funds to Wifey for shiny beads and trinkets at the mother of all chick markets in Bienno. They must play a mean chess game here.
Stafford is as tough as they come. The only thing I’ve seen that was tougher was that piece of shoe leather he tried to eat when he arrived at the doughnut shop fifteen minutes early and had to wait for them to open up.
I’d watch a John Eastman execution in person.
I’d flip the switch.
I’d send the bill for the requisite voltage to his next of kin!
… Hippo, FFS – voltage doesn’t kill people (unless you tazer someone in a pool and hope that someone’s muscles spasm long enough to cause drowning), amps, though… kill. That’s why you present them with the bill for consumed power (aka Watt hours, aka amps * voltage). Jeez, it’s almost as if you slept through that class on how to quickly interrogate people in ROTC…. I mean, Science class in high school
I wish everyone knew V = I * R
It’s the current that kills you, not the voltage.
I was just about to correct myself that I wasn’t completely correct on that front – “voltage mostly doesn’t kill”, or rather – it can kill, but indirectly thanks to muscle spasming – basically, tazer (or shock) the right place and death can still occur. Or tl;dr – voltage is like beanbag rounds – less lethal, sure, but still plenty lethal if hit in the right spots.
Quick electrical engineering lesson:
V = voltage (measured in Volts)
I = current ( measured in amperes or amps for short)
R = resistance (measured in ohms)
Voltage is the difference in charge between two things. It can exist by itself happily without causing any harm or doing anything.
Current is the movement of charged particles from place to place. To generate a current, you must introduce a resistance. Once a resistance (such as your feeble body or, more commonly, a wire) connects the two things, a current will run. The size of the current is proportional to the voltage. Therefore, the higher the voltage, the higher the current.
Charged particles going through a wire = electricity.
Charged particles running through your body = best case scenario mild shock, worst case scenario = fried DFOer.
Bottom line: Don’t touch downed power lines!
Fun fact: our bodies generate their own electricity!
Disagree on that. Worst case is “crippled for life”, since death’s cold embrace provides a sort of relief. I know a guy that decided LOTO procedures (and the buddy system in general) are for pussies, until he got fried long enough for way too much of his nerves to get fried. Remember kids, electricity kills, but it kills slow enough to realize that “Yes, you were THAT stupid”
That’s true
Superconductivity says to take your Ohm’s Law and shove it straight up your ass.
Crispy Critter!
How’s this for an analogy: the voltage is how high the water is falling down from; the current is how much of it there is.
Close. The current could be how much water is pushing you over the edge. If it’s not pushing you over the edge, you’re good.
Electrical stuff was always my weak spot in engineering school. I stand humbled.
“HOW COME STAN KROENKE WON’T BUILD A BEAUTIFUL OPEN AIR STADIUM IN FERGUSON TO COLLECT THAT COOL MISSISSIPPI RIVER BREEZE?!”
–
“Matt got his ‘spinal contusion’ from his CLOT SHOT!!! #sorryriggers #stilltrumpevenfromprison #allholesavailable.”
-K Stafford
#allholesavailable is a fascinating hashtag
Even the one from her trepanning procedure?
That’s the best one!
I still can’t believe we lost the Super Bowl to this team. Losing to the 49ers twice? Nothing wrong losing to the best and our games were the closest. But to lose to these guys?