"So maybe there's hope. Or maybe I'm going mad... In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward mobile — and the rest of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: Not necessarily to Win, but mainly to keep from Losing Completely." -Hunter S. Thompson, The Great
Oh, you lovably chaotic Lions. Like the drunk toddler of the NFC North, you stagger into the coming season. No sense of what you're doing, where you're headed or why you're screaming. Don't ask why. Just enjoy the dance.
Because I am not a Lions fan, and because their players no
PROJECTED RECORD: 4-2
So for the Lions Season Preview, I wasted your time with an extended discussion of Film. It thus seems only appropriate that I begin the Bye Week Bonanza on a literary note. In his novel A Dirty Job, Christopher Moore describes his protagonist as a “Beta Male”
PROJECTED RECORD AT THIS POINT: 1-4
So I was all set for it, right? It would be just like a normal Bills season, only we’d be losing semi-on-purpose instead of on the team’s own (lack of) merits. How much harder could it be?
I’d done what I could to get into
Holy shit, you guys, I can't remember going into a Bills regular season so stoked about their chances to Make Some Noise since... well, certainly since the expiration date on my collectable box of Flutie Flakes!
Yes, it's been a long playoff drought. The Drought can now legally drive and get
(Puts on Vince Mancini hat, dusts off Armond White’s seminal work, “Ethnic Frisson: Pretentiously Overbearing Pontification in Mid-Pre-Post-Modern Cinematic TruthBombing”)
I am continually fascinated by Detroit in the context of movies.
It’s now a tired cliché of dime-store film school refugees and bored-as-shit-on-a-film-junket directors to talk about how New York City is
So whose it gonna be? Whose luck finally runs out when the Browns turn in their draft index card thingy?
Is it going to be Myles Garrett, the three-year star out of Texas A&M, who averaged over ten sacks and two forced fumbles a season? The 6'4", 272-pound nightmare fuel who
No time for love, Dr. Jones- let's get right down to it.
BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!
CHARGE: Indecent exposure
With apologies to WhyEaglesWhy.
Can you hear it? Can you hear the low, menacing rumble, like a thousand Peter Kings' stomaches in an Acela™ Quiet Car? That's the sound of the City of
Good men and women of DFO, rejoice, for I have heard your cry.
Deep in my Timeless Slumber, though empires and eons passed me by, I heard the wailing of my people. "When?" you cried, to each other and to the uncaring sky, beating your chests in a vain attempt to
So, over the last year of doing this "column," I have bitched on numerous occasions in the past about how desolate and bereft of Crime News I Can Use the off-season can be. But like the Monkey's Paw or online dating, one should be wary of that for what one
WE NOW INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED "HARD RIDE TO NOWHERE" TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL REPORT:
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. I have the solemn duty to inform you that at 4:42 p.m., DFO Substandard Time on February 16, an unscheduled Jets Schadenfreude Day was launched from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Reports are still
Whelp, the NFL Head Coaching Carousel appears to have come to a screeching halt with Kyle Shanahan's coronation as 49er's head "coach". Unless, of course, Jim Irsay reawakens from one of his quaalude-induced power naps and drops the hammer on Chuck Pagano.
So: who is going to be the albatross around