The Once and Future King Laserface: Tuesday Open Thread

Fuck me sideways, boys and girls, everything old is new again!

Phillip Goddamned Rivers is rejoining the Colts! As a player!

Rivers, last seen losing to the Most Glorious Buffalo Bills in the 2020(!) playoffs, has been signed to the Indianapolis practice squad in the wake of Daniel Jones’ right Achilles noping right the hell out on Sunday. He was relieved by relatively unregarded sixth-round rookie Riley Leonard, who in turn sustained a knee injury on Sunday that may keep him off the field.

Faced with the apparently horrifying-beyond-contemplation prospect of starting fourth overall pick Anthony Richardson, Indianapolis general manager Chris Ballard decided to pull a John Wick* and pull an old warhorse out of retirement.

* Note- this was originally Battlestar Galactica until I realized “pulling a Battlestar Galactica” means completely running out of ideas on a great premise after one season and pissing on your prior work.

In fairness, Anthony Richardson may not be able to play. He was placed on IR after a pregame Rubber Fitness Band Incident left him with a fractured eyebone, and there is some question as to whether he is still injured or just conveniently stashed there in lieu of an embarrassing roster cut.

Still: Rivers is a…curious…choice. Not only is he five years removed from playing (he’s on the HoF ballot this year), he’s 44. He’s got a kid who is the same age as Richardson and Leonard. He’s got a grandchild, for fuck’s sake.

Tell me again about the Before-Times, Grandpa Marmalard…

Let me be clear: there is no Broncos Manning happy ending for this situation. The Colts have lost four of their last five, and their final four games include three against defenses that have killed current NFL stars: Seattle, San Francisco and Houston. Even if King Laserface was only on the downslope of his career, these would be dangerous games. Honestly and truly, I hope to Shank’lhor he’s been pumping himself full of steroids, HGH and whatever the hell the new hotness is during his retirement, because otherwise he is in Legitimate Bodily Peril. And that’s a whole fuckton of orphans…

-When last we checked in with Eagles fans, they were egging offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo’s house. Given that this represents the lowest setting of Expression of Disapproval in the Philadelphia psyche, and the reactions of my Philly fan friends during last night’s debacle, I’m assuming that by the time this post has published either Patullo or Jalen Hurts will have been found beaten and tied to a greased lamp post, if not given the Full HitchBot.