Everything, Everywhere, All at Once: Tuesday Open Thread

Usually Tuesdays are the Dead Zone for news, but I have been Blessed With An Abundance today! I won’t step on Hippo’s good work and rehash the weekend playoff games except as follows:

1. “Ten Yard Tush Push” is going to be my fantasy football name next year. And possibly my legal name, if the Bills win the [REDACTED]
2. I have legitimate medical concerns about my Eagles fan friends. Every ten minutes they’re refreshing ESPN to see “EAGLES FIRE KEVIN PATULLO,” and every time it’s not there, their blood pressure ratchets up another notch.

-Hot on the heels of the Steelers doing the expected in their game against the Texans, the team needed to decide whether to Fire Mike Tomlin or be intelligent. Tomlin chose to relieve them of that dilemma and stepped down as head coach with two years remaining on his contract.

Sometimes a team needs a new voice, even if there is nothing wrong with the old one. Steak au poivre is delicious, but you can’t eat it every day for 19 years and retain any enjoyment. Similarly, Mike Tomlin has been doing this since his early 30s, and could probably benefit from a change of pace.

And no- Tomlin and Harbs are not going to pull a Parent Trap and just switch jobs, hilarious as it might be.

My hope for Tomlin is that he pulls a Madden and becomes an iconic broadcaster for the rest of his life.

My hope for the Steelers is that they writhe in agony as Arthur Smith gets promoted, and all the racist little Yinzer shits who have called for his firing for the last decade learn how much worse a mediocre white dude could be. You fuckers are as bad as my fellow St. Louis Cardinals fans, who got so accustomed to contending every year for 20 years that when things were .500 they got Disgruntled. Gumbygirl, you can join the Bills Bandwagon.

-Aaron Rodgers may have played his last game. If so, there was appropriate symmetry with Draft Night 2005, which also saw Rodgers humiliated, angry and dropping like a rock.

-The Chargers fired offensive coordinator Greg Roman and offensive line coach Scape D. Goat.

-I’m still giggling about the Dolphins firing Mike McDaniel…but only after John Harbaugh became available. Dolphins owner Stephen Ross is like the one dumbfuck who decided to give up on his own marriage when Heidi Klum split from Seal and was “back on the market”. Motherfucker, you got no shot. McDaniel was a terrible head coach in anything but ideal conditions and deserved to be fired regardless. All the delay between the end of the season and his firing shows is that you are indecisive, capricious, stupid or all three. That doesn’t make you real attractive for your dream coach, who spent 18 years being none of those things.