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The Pitch, The Bitch, and The Wardrobe
“And what makes your daughter think there is a serial killer loose providing dead bodies for human experiments?”
There were so many questions within that question. I waited to see how many more questions would be triggered by his response.
“Have you ever wondered how dead animals are procured for experiments?”
“Now that you mention it, not really.”
“There is a lot of paperwork. Most animal experimentation is now illegal, but you still have biology classes dissecting frogs and other such authorized uses. There are a lot of rules.”
“That makes sense. Must be triple that for human bodies.”
“There is a very strict process in place and it’s not like going to Costco and picking up dead bodies in bulk.”
“So, what makes your daughter think these were brought in outside the process?”
“Well, at the risk of being accused of being racist, there is a certain…. Similarity… to all the bodies being used. And there are a lot of bodies being used.”
“What do you mean by ‘a lot’?”
“Like A LOT. Definitely more than you would expect to get through the normal process. My daughter only notices because her expertise is in Procurement and CalTech purchases a lot of restricted materials. She can tell when something is off.”
“Could I speak with your daughter and get some more details?”
“Ah, well, here’s the thing. One, she is, shall we say…. Difficult?”
I raised an eyebrow.
“And two, she doesn’t know I’m looking to investigate this. She only tells me, of course, because I am her Papa, but she is a stubborn one and she wants me to not make a fuss. She is worried that if I do something, suspicions will be raised, and it may affect her job.”
“Or her health, it sounds like.”
“Precisely. Hence the need for discretion. I cannot afford you being seen with her let alone talking to her.”
“I understand. It makes things a lot more difficult, but I understand. I don’t suppose the subject of my fee came up in the Springs?”
“Don’t worry about that. You take care of this and I will take care of you.”
“May I at least know your daughter’s name?”
“Pamela but she goes by her middle name, Eve. Her mother insisted on naming her after her grandmother. One of the many reasons we are no longer together.”
“Wise choice on your part. Is the mother…. around?”
“She lives in England with her yoga instructor and knows nothing about this. Better to keep it that way, right?”
“Right.”
“So, I need you get to the bottom of this and figure out exactly what is going on. And, if my daughter is indeed in danger, get her out of it.”
He held out his hand. I shook it.
“I’ll get started right away. Shall I have my people send the contract to your people?”
“Sure. Keep me posted on progress. As you can imagine, time is of the essence.”
“Of course.”
***
I was still feeling a little hungry, so I took advantage that I was in the neighborhood and drove up to the Pie ‘N Burger on California. I pulled up a seat at the counter and ordered a cheeseburger, a Dr. Pepper, and a slice of apple pie a la mode. The amuse-bouches had served their purpose.
I called up my good friend Mark whose sister I had banged and ghosted. In my defense, she was ‘difficult’ too but not in that sense. As promised, I had made my amends and she was at least not looking to have her brother put me in jail for some bullshit.
“Yo! Long time no hear! Keeping out of trouble?”
“Sort of? I mean definitely no legal trouble, sir. Just the usual female kind.”
“I’m assuming this isn’t a social call. What’s up?”
“I need to pick your brain about something but I’m at the Pie ‘N Burger and I can’t really talk. You free tonight?”
“Depends. You buying?”
“Come on, you know me better than that.”
“Exactly why I’m asking the question. You buying?”
“Yes, of course! I’ll even let you pick the place.”
“Whoa, you must really need help.”
“Just make it somewhere we can talk securely. The subject matter is… not for delicate ears.”
“Okay. Phillipe’s at 7:30. We can go to one of the upstairs rooms. By then, they will have roped them off.”
“Perfect. See you there.”
***
I ordered the lamb, wet, with a lemonade. Mark got a beef, single dipped, with a root beer and a pickled egg.
“How do you eat those things?”
“They’re delicious! What are you talking about?”
“Dude. I’ve put a lot of weird shit in my mouth, but I wouldn’t do that. Speaking of, how’s your sister?”
Mark glared at me.
“She did tell you we made amends, right? Last I heard, she had a boyfriend and was living in La Habra.”
“La Habra Heights.”
“Oh, excuse me. La Habra HEIGHTS. Anyway, is she good?”
“You know I know you don’t care. Let’s just get to business.”
Mark pushed aside the CLOSED sign at the bottom of the stairs and gave a look to the lady serving at the closest station. She nodded and said something to the busboy.
“I guess you’ve gotten all kinds of perks with your promotion, huh?”
“She’s an old friend. But yeah, the promotion has been nice. I guess I kinda owe you for that one. This is my way of making up.”
“By making me buy you dinner?”
“I’m not that easy.”
“That’s what your sister said!”
Mark glared at me again. We found a table in one of the little rooms at the end of the hallway and sat down.
“Alright. Spill it. What have you gotten involved in?”
I told him about my meeting in Pasadena.
“Should have gone with your first instinct. The Kir is a classic.”
“Okay, maybe, but what about the dead bodies? Has there been an unusual uptick in activity?”
“Not really. The gangs have calmed down quite a bit. The truce is holding and everyone has figured out there is enough money for everybody. Other than that, nothing that would suggest a lot of ‘similar’ bodies turning up.”
“Dammit! You know, peace is overrated.”
“There is one thing, though.”
“Whatcha got?”
“It’s probably nothing, but a lot of times nothing is something.”
“Should I start calling you Marcus Aurelius?”
“Maybe later. Anyway, you know that for the longest time we couldn’t do anything about the homeless, right?”
“Yeah. That was some bullshit. I saw how a lot of people around town were putting boulders in sidewalks and other stuff to keep the homeless away.”
“Well, have you noticed how that’s not happening anymore?”
“Yeah! They finally gave you guys permission to enforce the laws?”
“It’s not us.”
“Huh?”
“We’re not clearing out encampments.”
“Wait, are they actually putting all those millions of dollars we voted for into use and getting them into temporary housing facilities to transition them back into society?”
We both laughed for like five minutes.
“To be fair, there are a lot of non-profits working on the problem and yes, there has been progress in clearing encampments, but the numbers don’t add up.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know we do counts on the homeless population, right?”
“Yeah?”
“And the non-profits have to report the number of homeless they are able to house, right?”
“Yeah?”
“There’s a discrepancy in the numbers.”
“Are you banging one of the accountants at LAPD? How the hell do you know this?”
“Yes, but that’s not important right now.”
“Is she married?”
“Not important right now.”
***
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