Casualties and Causality: Tuesday Open Thread

Injuries! Injuries aplenty! Those student loans for doctors don’t pay themselves, and the NFL Meatgrinder is doing its part to make sure surgeons’ hands don’t go idle.

-If you were anywhere near a North Texas gentlemen’s club on Sunday afternoon, chances are reasonable that you heard a giant whoop and a slurred “Seeeeee? I tol’ ya so! I neeeeew it was gunna happen!” Or possibly not, as it was likely muffled by a stripper’s generous decolletage.

The only thing worse than normal Jerry Jones is Jerry Jones when the Universe gives him any hint of vindication. Micah Parsons, fresh off a messy divorce from Dallas and on a tear through the league’s offensive linemen, tore his ACL on the unforgiving high plains of Denver, ending his season and putting the Packers in a very tricky position for what they had hopes of being a deep playoff run.

Jones shipped out Parsons because Parsons refused to accept the assfucking Jerry tried to perpetrate on him. But one of his post hac reasons for playing hardball on the issue was that because players get injured, he doesn’t like giving long contract extensions with big guarantees because players (including Parsons in 2024) get injured.

Jones made appropriate sad noises about the injury. Which, credit, is more than the President can apparently manage in the face of tragedy.

As a person who goes back and forth on the Packers (annoying legacy program vs. the lesser of a number of evils), I am relatively ambivalent on how this screws them over. So far, my Bears fan friends have not crossed into annoying homerism, so the prospect of them winning the division is…fine. I’m sorry a premier talent is benched though, and I weep that Parsons won’t get to humiliate the Jones boys for the rest of the year.

-Patrick Mahomes- ACL and LCL. Overachiever, that one. It’s fitting that his and the Chiefs’ seasons ended within two minutes of each other. I wish him no particular harm, but I am glad the Bills don’t have to deal with the same tired playoff narrative and will have an opportunity to find new and innovative ways to trip over their own dicks.

-TJ Watt: not a gametime casualty, but still notable. The Other Watt missed Monday’s tilt after the training staff COLLAPSED HIS FUCKING LUNG. Watt had undergone “dry needling” and reported discomfort. Which, I mean….sure. He was hospitalized and had surgery to reinflate his breathsack. No word on his timetable to be malpracticed upon again.

If this sounds familiar, you may be interested to know who provides training services to the Steelers:

-Perhaps the most surprising injury news is a lack of injury: Colts’ geriatric quarterback Phillip Rivers appears to have survived his return game mostly uncrippled. Much of that credit should go to the offensive line, who allowed only one sack and four quarterback hits. Good on him. Now please retire.