Beaches Ain’t Shit: Tuesday Open Thread

I survived yet another encounter with my arch nemeses, Sand and Sunshine!

Just got back from the eastern shore of Lake Michigan, and it was…strange. Part of that was stumbling through the afternoon half-darkness caused by poor Canada’s fire issues. But more it’s Lake Michigan itself.

Quite simply, it’s too big. It looks like an ocean. You expect it to be grand. You expect it to be salty. You expect it to be…somewhere other than the Midwest.

Seriously, seeing this view while the weird flat Michigander accent floats up from the trail behind you is genuinely disconcerting.

The heart of darkness to this land of bland madness: Nelis’ Dutch Village. It’s a theme park in Holland, Michigan, where the theme is “What if we were in Holland, Holland?” The staff all wear 19th Century Cliche Dutch clothes, down to the wooden shoes. I downed several medicinal beers in an effort to smooth out the jarring strangeness of the experience.

Anyway:

-EMF Strikes 49ers Again! Well, no, not really. Modern electronics DO figure prominently in the story of Kyle Shanahan’s Wild Ride, however.

As you have heard by this point, the Niners head coach suffered severe injuries several weeks ago due to a head-on car crash. The incident (mysteriously kept quiet for two weeks) left Shanahan on the coaching equivalent of the Physically Unable to Perform List to start training camp.

By Shanahan’s own account, he was driving his Tesla with his cell phone on his lap when it (the phone) slipped between the seats. When he looked back up from his efforts to retreive tbe phone, a Mercedes SUV was bearing down on him.

Shanahan was left with a severe concussion, forty stitches above his eye, a broken left hand, broken nose and and three ribs.

No, wait, that’s the Niners’ Week 5 injury report.

Seriously though, biggest surprise here is that Kyle was driving a Model S. If you made a list of Most Cybertruck Coaches, Shanny would be number three (behind Sean Payton and Liam Whatshisname).

-Vita Vea wants out of Tampa. Buffalo desperately wants a gigantic defensive tackle to improve its league-worst run defense. The Bills would have to free up roughly $10 million in cap space, but for the love of God, Brandon Beane: make this happen.

-Denzel Ward is going to be paid $30 million per season to be the Last Man Standing in Cleveland. I appreciate that (as of press time) he’s not made any horseshit statements about Bringing a Championship to Cleveland. Get your money, bro, and hope both your brain and your soul are intact enough to enjoy it after you hang up your cleats.