Pinnipeds United: Tuesday Open Thread

Dark sporting times at the Palazzo di Mayhem.

Not even going to talk about the Ice Bills. Proud of them for the incredible effort and pride they showed this season, and the perfidy of poutine-headed fucksticks should not dull the shine of the accomplishment. But I can’t help but feel that magic like that is fleeting, and that if you don’t grab it by the balls and yank as hard as possible when you have the opportunity, you may not get another shot.

That paragraph went an odd direction at the end. Fuck it, I’m leaving it in.

And as I type this, Tottenham Hotspur is actively trying to make me reconsider my choice of futbol team by refusing every opporunity to get its ass out of the relegation zone. Tottenham. One of the Big Six, undoing almost 20 years of progress in two goddawful shitty seasons.

And the Most Glorious Beisbol Cardinals, despite having a stellar record, are in third fucking place in the NL Central. Because through some incredible fluke, the ENTIRE NL Central is .500 or better. Even Pittsburgh. Meanwhile, the AL West is “led” by the Not-From-Round-Here Athletics, because not one of them has a winning record.

THAT’s the place we should be looking at relegation. Fuck them lazy bitches.

NFL NEWS:

-In a bid to remind people that they exist, the Arizona Cardinals have apparently chosen an approach that can only reasonably be described as a Cry For Help, in that they are trying to out-pitiful both the Jets and the Tits. Starter Jacoby Brissett is holding out of all team activities, seeking an increase in his $5,440,000 in compensation.

That puts him at roughly #447 on the league’s compensation table for 2026. Lower than his backup, Gardner Minshew. Lower than Jarrett Stidham, Davis Mills, and the corpse of Joe Flacco. Lower than, for example, Adam Trautman. And you will be forgiven for not knowing who Adam Trautman is, because many of us do not keep track of who is the backup tight end on the Broncos.

Listen: we can debate whether Brissett is an “NFL Starting Quarterback” or just the guy at the top of the depth chart. He actually had a good year ladt year- 64.9% completion rate, 3366 yards, 23 touchdowns, 8 INTs. Was a lot of this garbage time stats? Yes. But let’s be fair- how much of an Arizona Cardinals football game can be categorized as anything but “garbage time”?

Bottom line is that the Cardinals are asking a ten-year veteran to go out there and risk his neck to play The Most Important Position in Sports. I don’t care if you’re tanking, it’s a goddamned embarrassment. The Cardinals are paying Kyler Murray roughly the same amount of money to NOT play quarterback for them. Pay the man his money.

-Aaron Rodgers has emerged from his Drug Yurt long enough to sign a one-year, $15 million contract with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

You know what, Jacoby- stay held out. You’ve made $60+ million in this league. You don’t need to be insulted like this.

-Speaking of “insulted like this,” Jaxson Smith-Njigba’s Offensive Player of the Year trophy…wasn’t. After their chosen host mispronounced his name several times at the awards ceremony, the NFL sent the Seahawks star the Defensive Player of the Year trophy, with a spacing mistake to boot (“theYear”). I’m skeptical of awards anyway- remember, the Oscars started as a sop to distract film workers from unionizing. But if you are going to do it as one of the most visible organizations in the world, have some goddamned pride…

-Rashee Rice dropped dirty during his probation from The Cannonball Run Incident. Dude had a LITERAL Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card, and fucked it up.

I am not going to debate whether substance-abstention conditions of probation are fair. I AM going to laugh, because Rice was handed a ridiculously lenient outcome initially and still managed to fumble that shit.

ON TONIGHT:

Sports are cancelled. No sports tonight. Blame the Quebecois.